Alright, we all know that I haven't made the best choices with BFFs. I mean, I decided to be BFFs with Randy, and we all know how well THAT went. (The guy stalked me and then he stole a time travel remote and is currently trying to stalk every person in existence, except me and Axel and Rosa cuz WE have time travel remotes TOO!
Speaking of which, we recently teleported (to escape and angry mob of doctors and journalists) to some random place, and now, we're trying to figure out where we are.
"Oh my God. The white house!" Axel gasped. He looked at his watch. "There is approximately one hour before President John Kerry is elected and Bush is outta the white house!"
"Hunh?" I asked.
"Well, waaaay back in 2004, oh gosh, almost... two hundred years ago," Axel began, "we had a president named George W. Bush and he messed EVERYTHING up. I mean EVERYTHING. Luckily, in 2004, things went back to the way they were supposed to be and John Kerry was elected. That's why our country isn't as messed up as it could be."
"Unh," I acknowledged. "Sweden's pretty not messed up!"
"No, no, Birger. The U.S.A," Axel explained.
"What a dumb name," I agreed.
Axel shook his head and sighed. "Oh well... hey, you know what? I know a hack that shows you voters' votes! Do you want to see?"
"I honestly couldn't care less," I replied, waiting for him to drag us to some stupid computer.
Which he did. He brought us to a computer and Rosa examined her manicure while I drooled on Axel's shoulder.
"God, Birger! You're like a dog!" Axel groaned. "You have to feed it and clean it and it still makes big messes everywhere no matter how hard you ask it not to!"
"I wanted a dog once," I remembered. "But Mommy said no."
Rosa looked up. "Axel, can we do something else? This doesn't affect me and honestly, I don't really care about it... let's go to Paris," she said. "To look for Randy stalking some Parisian," she added, seeing Axel's look.
"No, this is cool," he assured. "Look, there's only five minutes until Kerry wins the election. See? He's winning by a landslide."
"I just see a whole bunch of squiggly lines," I said.
"Birger, those are called numbers," Axel said. He looked confused. "I thought you said you could read at your sister's wedding."
"I said I could read LETTERS not NUMBERS," I corrected him.
Axel shook his head.
"I'm hungry," Rosa said.
"There's a snack machine down the hall," Axel sighed. "I'll show you."
They left and I looked at it. "Ooooh," I said as the arrow moved around. It scrolled over the letter bush but my finger slipped and I accidently clicked the letters B-U-S-H.
"Oopsie," I said. I tiptoed away but it was too late. Axel ran in and the screen said: "George W. Bush has won the election!"
"BIRGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did you make one of your biggest mistakes EVER in five minutes?!?!" Axel roared. "You're an IDIOT!!!!"
I started crying.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
Attack of the Teletubby Clones pt. 2 (read pt.1)
"Birger... you idiot," Tinky-Winky said meanly.
"That's not nice," I said.
"I don't care about what's nice and what's not nice!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
"Aw, why do we have to tell him anything?" Dipsy asked.
"Yeah, let's just chop the porker up!" Poe said evilly.
"Mmmm... pork chops," I said.
"Shut your half-wit pie holes!" Lala said. "The master is speaking. Tinky-Winky?"
"Thank you, Lala," Tinky-Winky said. "And if you all don't stop talking out of turn, I will call the vacuum elephant janitor thingy on you and he will turn you into pudding."
The vacuum man... Oh no.
"Long ago..." Tinky-Winky began. "I was a law student."
"Oh, you were not!" Poe began. "We were all hippies living in trailers outside a big manufacturing company."
"Oh pudding elephant janitor vacuum thingy!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
The vacuum man appeared out of the corner! I screamed and Poe did too. He started to run but the vacuum thing dragged him/her/it kicking and screaming into the other room.
I shuddered. "That's a gonna be some nasty pudding. What a waste of a good dessert!" I whispered. Tinky-Winky kicked me.
"That's it! I'm going to tell the story and I want NO interruptions!" Tinky-Winky roared. He looked around to see if anyone looked like they were about to talk.
No one was.
"Thank you. Alright, I was trying to play it cool, but stupid Poe revealed us. We were, sort of... ugh, we were hippies. We were camping out in trailers in front of a manufacturing company because they were dumping in a river and we were going to protest. So we protested a few days and finally when nothing happened, we threatened to jump in the river to prove its pollution was very out of hand. They still didn't do anything... so... we jumped. When we were fished out, we realized that the river was not just polluted, it was nuclear. And we had become the freaks we are because of it. But did the government get our point? No, they deported us to Mercury because they thought we were illegal aliens that had also trespassed onto private property. That's why were in this stupid unrealistic world with a baby on the face of the sun!"
Lala moaned in horror.
"Then they sent a camera crew out here and forced us to talk weird. It was originally a reality TV show entitled "Can You Handle Mercury?" but then the producers realized they'd make more money off of it if they just turned it into baby stimulation and stuck it on PBS!" Tinky-Winky shouted angrily.
"That kinda sucks," I said sympathetically.
"Kinda? Yeah, it kinda sucks," Dipsy said sadly.
"But, here's our proposition: Give us your cloning potion so that we can clone ourselves a million times and take over the world, and we'll set you free," Tinky-Winky said.
"Sure," I said, and I handed him the potion.
"MINE!!!! FINALLY MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tinky-Winky screamed. The three of them chugged it and there were suddenly a whole bunch of baby radioactive tellytubbies sitting around in the room. They were loud and stinky and looked sort of like pigs.
"Wha-what happened?" Lala asked. "These stupid babies won't help us take over the world!"
Tinky-Winky looked around helplessly. "Okay, Birg, change of plans. You raise our babies until they're old enough to help us take over the world, and then we'll set you free."
"No!" I said. "I don't wanna take care of your stupid babies."
"Do it or we're giving you to the pudding elephant vacuum cleaner thing on you!" Dipsy threatened. "He likes fatty meats."
"Are you calling me fat?!" I gasped. "No you didn't!"
"Well, how about we 'pay' you to be our babysitter?" Tinky-Winky said.
"How much?" I asked.
"Hrm... well, I guess we could give you a slice of bologna every hour," Lala said.
I thought about it.
"Deal!" I said.
But fifteen minutes later I was starting to reconsider. The babies were smelly loud and ugly. I hated them. And they weren't cute like they're supposed to be. They had antennae growing out of their heads and they were weird colors and they were spitting up all over their little televisions in their stomachs. I was fine with it until one of them spat up all over the Superbowl I was trying to watch.
"Hey, c'mon, I was watching that!" I said. The stupid thing just spat up more.
I stood up and suddenly they were all spitting up and farting and screaming and blowing snot bubbles. It smelled and it was loud and they were soooo ugly!
"I HATE YOU STUPID BABIES!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed.
Then they all started crying and I had a spaz attack.
"Geebitanghalnoaghadraaangh!" I whimpered and I collapsed on the floor.
"Birger!" a voice said.
"God?" I asked.
"BIRGER," it said louder. Suddenly my face was hurting. "WAKE UP!!!!"
Suddenly I was awake and lying in the middle of a big room where there were lots of people with cameras and laptops and stuff.
"Hi, peeps," I said.
"Birger! Thank God you woke up!" Rosa sighed.
"Aw, did you think I was hurt?" I asked.
"No, if you didn't wake up soon, the CIA would have our heads," Rosa said, gesturing towards Axel, who was standing there angrily.
"So, Birger," Axel said. "Where are they?"
"Those stupid tellytubby babies? I don't know, probably still spitting up on their ugly selves in the tellytubby lair," I said.
Rosa looked at Axel. "Boy, he has weird dreams," she said. "Well, no Birger. We're talking about the terrorists. Where are they?"
"The wha?"
"You screamed that there were terrorists. The elevator camera got it all tape," Axel explained. He pointed at a television. They played me running into the elevator screaming something about terrorists.
"OOOOHHH," I said scarily. "The vacuum pudding elephant thingy is zapping Poe into pudding. I think in the lair of the tellytubbies."
Axel looked disgusted. "This is all about a stupid character on Tellytubbies?"
"I know!" I said disgustedly.
"Oh god," Rosa moaned.
"Well, we better teleport outta here because the CIA will have our heads for this facade," Axel said awkwardly. He fingered with the remote and were outta there. ZAP.
"That's not nice," I said.
"I don't care about what's nice and what's not nice!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
"Aw, why do we have to tell him anything?" Dipsy asked.
"Yeah, let's just chop the porker up!" Poe said evilly.
"Mmmm... pork chops," I said.
"Shut your half-wit pie holes!" Lala said. "The master is speaking. Tinky-Winky?"
"Thank you, Lala," Tinky-Winky said. "And if you all don't stop talking out of turn, I will call the vacuum elephant janitor thingy on you and he will turn you into pudding."
The vacuum man... Oh no.
"Long ago..." Tinky-Winky began. "I was a law student."
"Oh, you were not!" Poe began. "We were all hippies living in trailers outside a big manufacturing company."
"Oh pudding elephant janitor vacuum thingy!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
The vacuum man appeared out of the corner! I screamed and Poe did too. He started to run but the vacuum thing dragged him/her/it kicking and screaming into the other room.
I shuddered. "That's a gonna be some nasty pudding. What a waste of a good dessert!" I whispered. Tinky-Winky kicked me.
"That's it! I'm going to tell the story and I want NO interruptions!" Tinky-Winky roared. He looked around to see if anyone looked like they were about to talk.
No one was.
"Thank you. Alright, I was trying to play it cool, but stupid Poe revealed us. We were, sort of... ugh, we were hippies. We were camping out in trailers in front of a manufacturing company because they were dumping in a river and we were going to protest. So we protested a few days and finally when nothing happened, we threatened to jump in the river to prove its pollution was very out of hand. They still didn't do anything... so... we jumped. When we were fished out, we realized that the river was not just polluted, it was nuclear. And we had become the freaks we are because of it. But did the government get our point? No, they deported us to Mercury because they thought we were illegal aliens that had also trespassed onto private property. That's why were in this stupid unrealistic world with a baby on the face of the sun!"
Lala moaned in horror.
"Then they sent a camera crew out here and forced us to talk weird. It was originally a reality TV show entitled "Can You Handle Mercury?" but then the producers realized they'd make more money off of it if they just turned it into baby stimulation and stuck it on PBS!" Tinky-Winky shouted angrily.
"That kinda sucks," I said sympathetically.
"Kinda? Yeah, it kinda sucks," Dipsy said sadly.
"But, here's our proposition: Give us your cloning potion so that we can clone ourselves a million times and take over the world, and we'll set you free," Tinky-Winky said.
"Sure," I said, and I handed him the potion.
"MINE!!!! FINALLY MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tinky-Winky screamed. The three of them chugged it and there were suddenly a whole bunch of baby radioactive tellytubbies sitting around in the room. They were loud and stinky and looked sort of like pigs.
"Wha-what happened?" Lala asked. "These stupid babies won't help us take over the world!"
Tinky-Winky looked around helplessly. "Okay, Birg, change of plans. You raise our babies until they're old enough to help us take over the world, and then we'll set you free."
"No!" I said. "I don't wanna take care of your stupid babies."
"Do it or we're giving you to the pudding elephant vacuum cleaner thing on you!" Dipsy threatened. "He likes fatty meats."
"Are you calling me fat?!" I gasped. "No you didn't!"
"Well, how about we 'pay' you to be our babysitter?" Tinky-Winky said.
"How much?" I asked.
"Hrm... well, I guess we could give you a slice of bologna every hour," Lala said.
I thought about it.
"Deal!" I said.
But fifteen minutes later I was starting to reconsider. The babies were smelly loud and ugly. I hated them. And they weren't cute like they're supposed to be. They had antennae growing out of their heads and they were weird colors and they were spitting up all over their little televisions in their stomachs. I was fine with it until one of them spat up all over the Superbowl I was trying to watch.
"Hey, c'mon, I was watching that!" I said. The stupid thing just spat up more.
I stood up and suddenly they were all spitting up and farting and screaming and blowing snot bubbles. It smelled and it was loud and they were soooo ugly!
"I HATE YOU STUPID BABIES!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed.
Then they all started crying and I had a spaz attack.
"Geebitanghalnoaghadraaangh!" I whimpered and I collapsed on the floor.
"Birger!" a voice said.
"God?" I asked.
"BIRGER," it said louder. Suddenly my face was hurting. "WAKE UP!!!!"
Suddenly I was awake and lying in the middle of a big room where there were lots of people with cameras and laptops and stuff.
"Hi, peeps," I said.
"Birger! Thank God you woke up!" Rosa sighed.
"Aw, did you think I was hurt?" I asked.
"No, if you didn't wake up soon, the CIA would have our heads," Rosa said, gesturing towards Axel, who was standing there angrily.
"So, Birger," Axel said. "Where are they?"
"Those stupid tellytubby babies? I don't know, probably still spitting up on their ugly selves in the tellytubby lair," I said.
Rosa looked at Axel. "Boy, he has weird dreams," she said. "Well, no Birger. We're talking about the terrorists. Where are they?"
"The wha?"
"You screamed that there were terrorists. The elevator camera got it all tape," Axel explained. He pointed at a television. They played me running into the elevator screaming something about terrorists.
"OOOOHHH," I said scarily. "The vacuum pudding elephant thingy is zapping Poe into pudding. I think in the lair of the tellytubbies."
Axel looked disgusted. "This is all about a stupid character on Tellytubbies?"
"I know!" I said disgustedly.
"Oh god," Rosa moaned.
"Well, we better teleport outta here because the CIA will have our heads for this facade," Axel said awkwardly. He fingered with the remote and were outta there. ZAP.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Attack of the Teletubby Clones pt. 1
"Alright, well, that was a complete failure," Axel sighed about our earlier attempt to capture Randy in Amelia Earhart's airplane. "Well, let's see... the tracking system says the easiest way to capture Randy would be to go to the nose of the sphynx..."
"I'll pass," Rosa said, collapsing on a couch.
"Pardon?" Axel said, looking up from the screen.
"I said, I'll pass. I don't want to look for Randy right now. I just want a break!" Rosa replied.
"We can take a break! What if Randy causes any trouble while we're being all breaky?"
"So far, Birger has been the only one making trouble. We'll be doing the world a favor if we just stay put for a little bit," Rosa said.
"Yeah! Wha?" I said.
"Fine! I'm staying in the lab, though," Axel huffed.
Rosa sighed. "You have no life," she said. "You need to get out of the lab! You need to experience life! You need to--"
"I experience a heck of a lot of life, thank you very much!" Axel said angrily. "I mean, what with you and Birger always messing things up..."
"We're leaving! We don't need to stay with a workaholic loser! C'mon, Birger, let's get out of here! I'm going to the counterfeit machine and then I'm heading to the spa!" Rosa replied.
I scratched my head. "Do they have ping pong in the future?" I asked.
"How do you know about ping pong?" Axel asked.
"The fat kid that fell in the river was talking about it."
"Yeah, it's on the third floor."
"Schweet!"
I went to the elevator with Rosa and the doors started to close.
"No!!!!!" I screamed. "Trapped forever!" I jumped in the crack between the doors and got stuck. Rosa had to pull me out.
"It's just an elevator. You press this button and when the doors open, you'll be at the button's place," Rosa said.
"Magic?" I asked.
"No. Science."
... "Magic?" I asked.
Rosa sighed. "Whatever makes you stop talking." The doors closed and we stood there. I pressed a button and it lit up.
I gasped. "Pretty!" I said. I pressed all the buttons, and Rosa said it was lucky for us that we were only on floor three or else it'd be a long time before we reached our destination. She's dumb. She thinks this is all scientificul, but it's obviously magic.
The doors opened and we were on floor three! I ran out of the door and looked. "This is sooo cool!" I said. "Where's the ping pong table?"
"Not so fast," Rosa said. "We have to get money before we can go in the club that allows us to do this stuff." She pulled me to a little room on the side. "Axel said this is wrong, but I want to go the exclusive club spa," she said. She pressed a few buttons on a big magic machine and weird little green pieces of paper. "See! Money," she said. She grabbed some and handed it to me. "Here's a few hundred... have fun, but be back downstairs by five." She walked away and I stood around.
"You didn't even show me where the pingpong table was!" I said. I started walking towards a door. There were a whole bunch of people in there. It looked like the Overflowing Pint, but more high-tech.
I walked in. "Give me the most expensive stuff!" I said. "And I want to watch a baby stimulation television show on that television!"
The bartender looked at me funny. So did everyone else.
"Sorry, we don't do that," he said.
"I have a couple hundred," I said, not knowing what that meant. The guy looked at everyone else pleadingly, but they all got up groaning and left.
"Fine," the bartender said, taking my money and giving me some weird looking rum. "Here, how about... tellytubbies?"
"That sounds good!" I said, trying to get the cork out of the funky rum bottle. The man shook his head and used one of those remote things on the television.
"Hey! I have one of those!" I gasped. The bartender shook his head again.
I looked at the screen and dropped the weird looking rum on the floor. It shattered into a million pieces. The bartender looked mad!
"What?" I asked.
"That was the most expensive stuff in the bar!" the man whined. "And you wasted it!"
"Sorry!" I said. I looked at the screen again. "Hey! Why don't you have that vacuum cleaner guy clean it up!" That guy was so cool!
But then I looked at it longer... the vacuum cleaner man had the essence of Randy about him... that fake BFF meanie! And then I saw it... it sucked things up!
"Oh no!" I gasped. "It's making pudding! What does it make pudding out of!" I started crying and ran out of the bar and into the elevator.
"NOOOOO!!!! IT'S EVIL!!! IT'S A TERRORIST!!!!" I screamed in the elevator. Then a little thingamabobber popped out of the corner and sprayed a purple mist into the elevator. I was getting very woozy!
Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a scientist! I fidgited around with some chemistry tubes and created a genius cloning device! "I have done it!" I shouted.
"Done wha?" Tinky-Winky asked.
"I made a cloning device!" I said.
"I knew woo could do ih," Poe said.
"You have dumb names and you talk funny," I said.
"Yes we do," the tellytubbies said.
I carried my genius invention into the hill house, and suddenly, arms flew out of the ground and trapped me! "Help!" I shouted.
"Be quiet! It's time to discover... the terrible truth about the 'adorable' tellytubbies," Tinky-Winky said evily.
"OH NO!!!!"
Tune in soon to see what happens to me!
"I'll pass," Rosa said, collapsing on a couch.
"Pardon?" Axel said, looking up from the screen.
"I said, I'll pass. I don't want to look for Randy right now. I just want a break!" Rosa replied.
"We can take a break! What if Randy causes any trouble while we're being all breaky?"
"So far, Birger has been the only one making trouble. We'll be doing the world a favor if we just stay put for a little bit," Rosa said.
"Yeah! Wha?" I said.
"Fine! I'm staying in the lab, though," Axel huffed.
Rosa sighed. "You have no life," she said. "You need to get out of the lab! You need to experience life! You need to--"
"I experience a heck of a lot of life, thank you very much!" Axel said angrily. "I mean, what with you and Birger always messing things up..."
"We're leaving! We don't need to stay with a workaholic loser! C'mon, Birger, let's get out of here! I'm going to the counterfeit machine and then I'm heading to the spa!" Rosa replied.
I scratched my head. "Do they have ping pong in the future?" I asked.
"How do you know about ping pong?" Axel asked.
"The fat kid that fell in the river was talking about it."
"Yeah, it's on the third floor."
"Schweet!"
I went to the elevator with Rosa and the doors started to close.
"No!!!!!" I screamed. "Trapped forever!" I jumped in the crack between the doors and got stuck. Rosa had to pull me out.
"It's just an elevator. You press this button and when the doors open, you'll be at the button's place," Rosa said.
"Magic?" I asked.
"No. Science."
... "Magic?" I asked.
Rosa sighed. "Whatever makes you stop talking." The doors closed and we stood there. I pressed a button and it lit up.
I gasped. "Pretty!" I said. I pressed all the buttons, and Rosa said it was lucky for us that we were only on floor three or else it'd be a long time before we reached our destination. She's dumb. She thinks this is all scientificul, but it's obviously magic.
The doors opened and we were on floor three! I ran out of the door and looked. "This is sooo cool!" I said. "Where's the ping pong table?"
"Not so fast," Rosa said. "We have to get money before we can go in the club that allows us to do this stuff." She pulled me to a little room on the side. "Axel said this is wrong, but I want to go the exclusive club spa," she said. She pressed a few buttons on a big magic machine and weird little green pieces of paper. "See! Money," she said. She grabbed some and handed it to me. "Here's a few hundred... have fun, but be back downstairs by five." She walked away and I stood around.
"You didn't even show me where the pingpong table was!" I said. I started walking towards a door. There were a whole bunch of people in there. It looked like the Overflowing Pint, but more high-tech.
I walked in. "Give me the most expensive stuff!" I said. "And I want to watch a baby stimulation television show on that television!"
The bartender looked at me funny. So did everyone else.
"Sorry, we don't do that," he said.
"I have a couple hundred," I said, not knowing what that meant. The guy looked at everyone else pleadingly, but they all got up groaning and left.
"Fine," the bartender said, taking my money and giving me some weird looking rum. "Here, how about... tellytubbies?"
"That sounds good!" I said, trying to get the cork out of the funky rum bottle. The man shook his head and used one of those remote things on the television.
"Hey! I have one of those!" I gasped. The bartender shook his head again.
I looked at the screen and dropped the weird looking rum on the floor. It shattered into a million pieces. The bartender looked mad!
"What?" I asked.
"That was the most expensive stuff in the bar!" the man whined. "And you wasted it!"
"Sorry!" I said. I looked at the screen again. "Hey! Why don't you have that vacuum cleaner guy clean it up!" That guy was so cool!
But then I looked at it longer... the vacuum cleaner man had the essence of Randy about him... that fake BFF meanie! And then I saw it... it sucked things up!
"Oh no!" I gasped. "It's making pudding! What does it make pudding out of!" I started crying and ran out of the bar and into the elevator.
"NOOOOO!!!! IT'S EVIL!!! IT'S A TERRORIST!!!!" I screamed in the elevator. Then a little thingamabobber popped out of the corner and sprayed a purple mist into the elevator. I was getting very woozy!
Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a scientist! I fidgited around with some chemistry tubes and created a genius cloning device! "I have done it!" I shouted.
"Done wha?" Tinky-Winky asked.
"I made a cloning device!" I said.
"I knew woo could do ih," Poe said.
"You have dumb names and you talk funny," I said.
"Yes we do," the tellytubbies said.
I carried my genius invention into the hill house, and suddenly, arms flew out of the ground and trapped me! "Help!" I shouted.
"Be quiet! It's time to discover... the terrible truth about the 'adorable' tellytubbies," Tinky-Winky said evily.
"OH NO!!!!"
Tune in soon to see what happens to me!
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