Alright, we all know that I haven't made the best choices with BFFs. I mean, I decided to be BFFs with Randy, and we all know how well THAT went. (The guy stalked me and then he stole a time travel remote and is currently trying to stalk every person in existence, except me and Axel and Rosa cuz WE have time travel remotes TOO!
Speaking of which, we recently teleported (to escape and angry mob of doctors and journalists) to some random place, and now, we're trying to figure out where we are.
"Oh my God. The white house!" Axel gasped. He looked at his watch. "There is approximately one hour before President John Kerry is elected and Bush is outta the white house!"
"Hunh?" I asked.
"Well, waaaay back in 2004, oh gosh, almost... two hundred years ago," Axel began, "we had a president named George W. Bush and he messed EVERYTHING up. I mean EVERYTHING. Luckily, in 2004, things went back to the way they were supposed to be and John Kerry was elected. That's why our country isn't as messed up as it could be."
"Unh," I acknowledged. "Sweden's pretty not messed up!"
"No, no, Birger. The U.S.A," Axel explained.
"What a dumb name," I agreed.
Axel shook his head and sighed. "Oh well... hey, you know what? I know a hack that shows you voters' votes! Do you want to see?"
"I honestly couldn't care less," I replied, waiting for him to drag us to some stupid computer.
Which he did. He brought us to a computer and Rosa examined her manicure while I drooled on Axel's shoulder.
"God, Birger! You're like a dog!" Axel groaned. "You have to feed it and clean it and it still makes big messes everywhere no matter how hard you ask it not to!"
"I wanted a dog once," I remembered. "But Mommy said no."
Rosa looked up. "Axel, can we do something else? This doesn't affect me and honestly, I don't really care about it... let's go to Paris," she said. "To look for Randy stalking some Parisian," she added, seeing Axel's look.
"No, this is cool," he assured. "Look, there's only five minutes until Kerry wins the election. See? He's winning by a landslide."
"I just see a whole bunch of squiggly lines," I said.
"Birger, those are called numbers," Axel said. He looked confused. "I thought you said you could read at your sister's wedding."
"I said I could read LETTERS not NUMBERS," I corrected him.
Axel shook his head.
"I'm hungry," Rosa said.
"There's a snack machine down the hall," Axel sighed. "I'll show you."
They left and I looked at it. "Ooooh," I said as the arrow moved around. It scrolled over the letter bush but my finger slipped and I accidently clicked the letters B-U-S-H.
"Oopsie," I said. I tiptoed away but it was too late. Axel ran in and the screen said: "George W. Bush has won the election!"
"BIRGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did you make one of your biggest mistakes EVER in five minutes?!?!" Axel roared. "You're an IDIOT!!!!"
I started crying.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
Attack of the Teletubby Clones pt. 2 (read pt.1)
"Birger... you idiot," Tinky-Winky said meanly.
"That's not nice," I said.
"I don't care about what's nice and what's not nice!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
"Aw, why do we have to tell him anything?" Dipsy asked.
"Yeah, let's just chop the porker up!" Poe said evilly.
"Mmmm... pork chops," I said.
"Shut your half-wit pie holes!" Lala said. "The master is speaking. Tinky-Winky?"
"Thank you, Lala," Tinky-Winky said. "And if you all don't stop talking out of turn, I will call the vacuum elephant janitor thingy on you and he will turn you into pudding."
The vacuum man... Oh no.
"Long ago..." Tinky-Winky began. "I was a law student."
"Oh, you were not!" Poe began. "We were all hippies living in trailers outside a big manufacturing company."
"Oh pudding elephant janitor vacuum thingy!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
The vacuum man appeared out of the corner! I screamed and Poe did too. He started to run but the vacuum thing dragged him/her/it kicking and screaming into the other room.
I shuddered. "That's a gonna be some nasty pudding. What a waste of a good dessert!" I whispered. Tinky-Winky kicked me.
"That's it! I'm going to tell the story and I want NO interruptions!" Tinky-Winky roared. He looked around to see if anyone looked like they were about to talk.
No one was.
"Thank you. Alright, I was trying to play it cool, but stupid Poe revealed us. We were, sort of... ugh, we were hippies. We were camping out in trailers in front of a manufacturing company because they were dumping in a river and we were going to protest. So we protested a few days and finally when nothing happened, we threatened to jump in the river to prove its pollution was very out of hand. They still didn't do anything... so... we jumped. When we were fished out, we realized that the river was not just polluted, it was nuclear. And we had become the freaks we are because of it. But did the government get our point? No, they deported us to Mercury because they thought we were illegal aliens that had also trespassed onto private property. That's why were in this stupid unrealistic world with a baby on the face of the sun!"
Lala moaned in horror.
"Then they sent a camera crew out here and forced us to talk weird. It was originally a reality TV show entitled "Can You Handle Mercury?" but then the producers realized they'd make more money off of it if they just turned it into baby stimulation and stuck it on PBS!" Tinky-Winky shouted angrily.
"That kinda sucks," I said sympathetically.
"Kinda? Yeah, it kinda sucks," Dipsy said sadly.
"But, here's our proposition: Give us your cloning potion so that we can clone ourselves a million times and take over the world, and we'll set you free," Tinky-Winky said.
"Sure," I said, and I handed him the potion.
"MINE!!!! FINALLY MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tinky-Winky screamed. The three of them chugged it and there were suddenly a whole bunch of baby radioactive tellytubbies sitting around in the room. They were loud and stinky and looked sort of like pigs.
"Wha-what happened?" Lala asked. "These stupid babies won't help us take over the world!"
Tinky-Winky looked around helplessly. "Okay, Birg, change of plans. You raise our babies until they're old enough to help us take over the world, and then we'll set you free."
"No!" I said. "I don't wanna take care of your stupid babies."
"Do it or we're giving you to the pudding elephant vacuum cleaner thing on you!" Dipsy threatened. "He likes fatty meats."
"Are you calling me fat?!" I gasped. "No you didn't!"
"Well, how about we 'pay' you to be our babysitter?" Tinky-Winky said.
"How much?" I asked.
"Hrm... well, I guess we could give you a slice of bologna every hour," Lala said.
I thought about it.
"Deal!" I said.
But fifteen minutes later I was starting to reconsider. The babies were smelly loud and ugly. I hated them. And they weren't cute like they're supposed to be. They had antennae growing out of their heads and they were weird colors and they were spitting up all over their little televisions in their stomachs. I was fine with it until one of them spat up all over the Superbowl I was trying to watch.
"Hey, c'mon, I was watching that!" I said. The stupid thing just spat up more.
I stood up and suddenly they were all spitting up and farting and screaming and blowing snot bubbles. It smelled and it was loud and they were soooo ugly!
"I HATE YOU STUPID BABIES!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed.
Then they all started crying and I had a spaz attack.
"Geebitanghalnoaghadraaangh!" I whimpered and I collapsed on the floor.
"Birger!" a voice said.
"God?" I asked.
"BIRGER," it said louder. Suddenly my face was hurting. "WAKE UP!!!!"
Suddenly I was awake and lying in the middle of a big room where there were lots of people with cameras and laptops and stuff.
"Hi, peeps," I said.
"Birger! Thank God you woke up!" Rosa sighed.
"Aw, did you think I was hurt?" I asked.
"No, if you didn't wake up soon, the CIA would have our heads," Rosa said, gesturing towards Axel, who was standing there angrily.
"So, Birger," Axel said. "Where are they?"
"Those stupid tellytubby babies? I don't know, probably still spitting up on their ugly selves in the tellytubby lair," I said.
Rosa looked at Axel. "Boy, he has weird dreams," she said. "Well, no Birger. We're talking about the terrorists. Where are they?"
"The wha?"
"You screamed that there were terrorists. The elevator camera got it all tape," Axel explained. He pointed at a television. They played me running into the elevator screaming something about terrorists.
"OOOOHHH," I said scarily. "The vacuum pudding elephant thingy is zapping Poe into pudding. I think in the lair of the tellytubbies."
Axel looked disgusted. "This is all about a stupid character on Tellytubbies?"
"I know!" I said disgustedly.
"Oh god," Rosa moaned.
"Well, we better teleport outta here because the CIA will have our heads for this facade," Axel said awkwardly. He fingered with the remote and were outta there. ZAP.
"That's not nice," I said.
"I don't care about what's nice and what's not nice!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
"Aw, why do we have to tell him anything?" Dipsy asked.
"Yeah, let's just chop the porker up!" Poe said evilly.
"Mmmm... pork chops," I said.
"Shut your half-wit pie holes!" Lala said. "The master is speaking. Tinky-Winky?"
"Thank you, Lala," Tinky-Winky said. "And if you all don't stop talking out of turn, I will call the vacuum elephant janitor thingy on you and he will turn you into pudding."
The vacuum man... Oh no.
"Long ago..." Tinky-Winky began. "I was a law student."
"Oh, you were not!" Poe began. "We were all hippies living in trailers outside a big manufacturing company."
"Oh pudding elephant janitor vacuum thingy!" Tinky-Winky shouted.
The vacuum man appeared out of the corner! I screamed and Poe did too. He started to run but the vacuum thing dragged him/her/it kicking and screaming into the other room.
I shuddered. "That's a gonna be some nasty pudding. What a waste of a good dessert!" I whispered. Tinky-Winky kicked me.
"That's it! I'm going to tell the story and I want NO interruptions!" Tinky-Winky roared. He looked around to see if anyone looked like they were about to talk.
No one was.
"Thank you. Alright, I was trying to play it cool, but stupid Poe revealed us. We were, sort of... ugh, we were hippies. We were camping out in trailers in front of a manufacturing company because they were dumping in a river and we were going to protest. So we protested a few days and finally when nothing happened, we threatened to jump in the river to prove its pollution was very out of hand. They still didn't do anything... so... we jumped. When we were fished out, we realized that the river was not just polluted, it was nuclear. And we had become the freaks we are because of it. But did the government get our point? No, they deported us to Mercury because they thought we were illegal aliens that had also trespassed onto private property. That's why were in this stupid unrealistic world with a baby on the face of the sun!"
Lala moaned in horror.
"Then they sent a camera crew out here and forced us to talk weird. It was originally a reality TV show entitled "Can You Handle Mercury?" but then the producers realized they'd make more money off of it if they just turned it into baby stimulation and stuck it on PBS!" Tinky-Winky shouted angrily.
"That kinda sucks," I said sympathetically.
"Kinda? Yeah, it kinda sucks," Dipsy said sadly.
"But, here's our proposition: Give us your cloning potion so that we can clone ourselves a million times and take over the world, and we'll set you free," Tinky-Winky said.
"Sure," I said, and I handed him the potion.
"MINE!!!! FINALLY MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tinky-Winky screamed. The three of them chugged it and there were suddenly a whole bunch of baby radioactive tellytubbies sitting around in the room. They were loud and stinky and looked sort of like pigs.
"Wha-what happened?" Lala asked. "These stupid babies won't help us take over the world!"
Tinky-Winky looked around helplessly. "Okay, Birg, change of plans. You raise our babies until they're old enough to help us take over the world, and then we'll set you free."
"No!" I said. "I don't wanna take care of your stupid babies."
"Do it or we're giving you to the pudding elephant vacuum cleaner thing on you!" Dipsy threatened. "He likes fatty meats."
"Are you calling me fat?!" I gasped. "No you didn't!"
"Well, how about we 'pay' you to be our babysitter?" Tinky-Winky said.
"How much?" I asked.
"Hrm... well, I guess we could give you a slice of bologna every hour," Lala said.
I thought about it.
"Deal!" I said.
But fifteen minutes later I was starting to reconsider. The babies were smelly loud and ugly. I hated them. And they weren't cute like they're supposed to be. They had antennae growing out of their heads and they were weird colors and they were spitting up all over their little televisions in their stomachs. I was fine with it until one of them spat up all over the Superbowl I was trying to watch.
"Hey, c'mon, I was watching that!" I said. The stupid thing just spat up more.
I stood up and suddenly they were all spitting up and farting and screaming and blowing snot bubbles. It smelled and it was loud and they were soooo ugly!
"I HATE YOU STUPID BABIES!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed.
Then they all started crying and I had a spaz attack.
"Geebitanghalnoaghadraaangh!" I whimpered and I collapsed on the floor.
"Birger!" a voice said.
"God?" I asked.
"BIRGER," it said louder. Suddenly my face was hurting. "WAKE UP!!!!"
Suddenly I was awake and lying in the middle of a big room where there were lots of people with cameras and laptops and stuff.
"Hi, peeps," I said.
"Birger! Thank God you woke up!" Rosa sighed.
"Aw, did you think I was hurt?" I asked.
"No, if you didn't wake up soon, the CIA would have our heads," Rosa said, gesturing towards Axel, who was standing there angrily.
"So, Birger," Axel said. "Where are they?"
"Those stupid tellytubby babies? I don't know, probably still spitting up on their ugly selves in the tellytubby lair," I said.
Rosa looked at Axel. "Boy, he has weird dreams," she said. "Well, no Birger. We're talking about the terrorists. Where are they?"
"The wha?"
"You screamed that there were terrorists. The elevator camera got it all tape," Axel explained. He pointed at a television. They played me running into the elevator screaming something about terrorists.
"OOOOHHH," I said scarily. "The vacuum pudding elephant thingy is zapping Poe into pudding. I think in the lair of the tellytubbies."
Axel looked disgusted. "This is all about a stupid character on Tellytubbies?"
"I know!" I said disgustedly.
"Oh god," Rosa moaned.
"Well, we better teleport outta here because the CIA will have our heads for this facade," Axel said awkwardly. He fingered with the remote and were outta there. ZAP.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Attack of the Teletubby Clones pt. 1
"Alright, well, that was a complete failure," Axel sighed about our earlier attempt to capture Randy in Amelia Earhart's airplane. "Well, let's see... the tracking system says the easiest way to capture Randy would be to go to the nose of the sphynx..."
"I'll pass," Rosa said, collapsing on a couch.
"Pardon?" Axel said, looking up from the screen.
"I said, I'll pass. I don't want to look for Randy right now. I just want a break!" Rosa replied.
"We can take a break! What if Randy causes any trouble while we're being all breaky?"
"So far, Birger has been the only one making trouble. We'll be doing the world a favor if we just stay put for a little bit," Rosa said.
"Yeah! Wha?" I said.
"Fine! I'm staying in the lab, though," Axel huffed.
Rosa sighed. "You have no life," she said. "You need to get out of the lab! You need to experience life! You need to--"
"I experience a heck of a lot of life, thank you very much!" Axel said angrily. "I mean, what with you and Birger always messing things up..."
"We're leaving! We don't need to stay with a workaholic loser! C'mon, Birger, let's get out of here! I'm going to the counterfeit machine and then I'm heading to the spa!" Rosa replied.
I scratched my head. "Do they have ping pong in the future?" I asked.
"How do you know about ping pong?" Axel asked.
"The fat kid that fell in the river was talking about it."
"Yeah, it's on the third floor."
"Schweet!"
I went to the elevator with Rosa and the doors started to close.
"No!!!!!" I screamed. "Trapped forever!" I jumped in the crack between the doors and got stuck. Rosa had to pull me out.
"It's just an elevator. You press this button and when the doors open, you'll be at the button's place," Rosa said.
"Magic?" I asked.
"No. Science."
... "Magic?" I asked.
Rosa sighed. "Whatever makes you stop talking." The doors closed and we stood there. I pressed a button and it lit up.
I gasped. "Pretty!" I said. I pressed all the buttons, and Rosa said it was lucky for us that we were only on floor three or else it'd be a long time before we reached our destination. She's dumb. She thinks this is all scientificul, but it's obviously magic.
The doors opened and we were on floor three! I ran out of the door and looked. "This is sooo cool!" I said. "Where's the ping pong table?"
"Not so fast," Rosa said. "We have to get money before we can go in the club that allows us to do this stuff." She pulled me to a little room on the side. "Axel said this is wrong, but I want to go the exclusive club spa," she said. She pressed a few buttons on a big magic machine and weird little green pieces of paper. "See! Money," she said. She grabbed some and handed it to me. "Here's a few hundred... have fun, but be back downstairs by five." She walked away and I stood around.
"You didn't even show me where the pingpong table was!" I said. I started walking towards a door. There were a whole bunch of people in there. It looked like the Overflowing Pint, but more high-tech.
I walked in. "Give me the most expensive stuff!" I said. "And I want to watch a baby stimulation television show on that television!"
The bartender looked at me funny. So did everyone else.
"Sorry, we don't do that," he said.
"I have a couple hundred," I said, not knowing what that meant. The guy looked at everyone else pleadingly, but they all got up groaning and left.
"Fine," the bartender said, taking my money and giving me some weird looking rum. "Here, how about... tellytubbies?"
"That sounds good!" I said, trying to get the cork out of the funky rum bottle. The man shook his head and used one of those remote things on the television.
"Hey! I have one of those!" I gasped. The bartender shook his head again.
I looked at the screen and dropped the weird looking rum on the floor. It shattered into a million pieces. The bartender looked mad!
"What?" I asked.
"That was the most expensive stuff in the bar!" the man whined. "And you wasted it!"
"Sorry!" I said. I looked at the screen again. "Hey! Why don't you have that vacuum cleaner guy clean it up!" That guy was so cool!
But then I looked at it longer... the vacuum cleaner man had the essence of Randy about him... that fake BFF meanie! And then I saw it... it sucked things up!
"Oh no!" I gasped. "It's making pudding! What does it make pudding out of!" I started crying and ran out of the bar and into the elevator.
"NOOOOO!!!! IT'S EVIL!!! IT'S A TERRORIST!!!!" I screamed in the elevator. Then a little thingamabobber popped out of the corner and sprayed a purple mist into the elevator. I was getting very woozy!
Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a scientist! I fidgited around with some chemistry tubes and created a genius cloning device! "I have done it!" I shouted.
"Done wha?" Tinky-Winky asked.
"I made a cloning device!" I said.
"I knew woo could do ih," Poe said.
"You have dumb names and you talk funny," I said.
"Yes we do," the tellytubbies said.
I carried my genius invention into the hill house, and suddenly, arms flew out of the ground and trapped me! "Help!" I shouted.
"Be quiet! It's time to discover... the terrible truth about the 'adorable' tellytubbies," Tinky-Winky said evily.
"OH NO!!!!"
Tune in soon to see what happens to me!
"I'll pass," Rosa said, collapsing on a couch.
"Pardon?" Axel said, looking up from the screen.
"I said, I'll pass. I don't want to look for Randy right now. I just want a break!" Rosa replied.
"We can take a break! What if Randy causes any trouble while we're being all breaky?"
"So far, Birger has been the only one making trouble. We'll be doing the world a favor if we just stay put for a little bit," Rosa said.
"Yeah! Wha?" I said.
"Fine! I'm staying in the lab, though," Axel huffed.
Rosa sighed. "You have no life," she said. "You need to get out of the lab! You need to experience life! You need to--"
"I experience a heck of a lot of life, thank you very much!" Axel said angrily. "I mean, what with you and Birger always messing things up..."
"We're leaving! We don't need to stay with a workaholic loser! C'mon, Birger, let's get out of here! I'm going to the counterfeit machine and then I'm heading to the spa!" Rosa replied.
I scratched my head. "Do they have ping pong in the future?" I asked.
"How do you know about ping pong?" Axel asked.
"The fat kid that fell in the river was talking about it."
"Yeah, it's on the third floor."
"Schweet!"
I went to the elevator with Rosa and the doors started to close.
"No!!!!!" I screamed. "Trapped forever!" I jumped in the crack between the doors and got stuck. Rosa had to pull me out.
"It's just an elevator. You press this button and when the doors open, you'll be at the button's place," Rosa said.
"Magic?" I asked.
"No. Science."
... "Magic?" I asked.
Rosa sighed. "Whatever makes you stop talking." The doors closed and we stood there. I pressed a button and it lit up.
I gasped. "Pretty!" I said. I pressed all the buttons, and Rosa said it was lucky for us that we were only on floor three or else it'd be a long time before we reached our destination. She's dumb. She thinks this is all scientificul, but it's obviously magic.
The doors opened and we were on floor three! I ran out of the door and looked. "This is sooo cool!" I said. "Where's the ping pong table?"
"Not so fast," Rosa said. "We have to get money before we can go in the club that allows us to do this stuff." She pulled me to a little room on the side. "Axel said this is wrong, but I want to go the exclusive club spa," she said. She pressed a few buttons on a big magic machine and weird little green pieces of paper. "See! Money," she said. She grabbed some and handed it to me. "Here's a few hundred... have fun, but be back downstairs by five." She walked away and I stood around.
"You didn't even show me where the pingpong table was!" I said. I started walking towards a door. There were a whole bunch of people in there. It looked like the Overflowing Pint, but more high-tech.
I walked in. "Give me the most expensive stuff!" I said. "And I want to watch a baby stimulation television show on that television!"
The bartender looked at me funny. So did everyone else.
"Sorry, we don't do that," he said.
"I have a couple hundred," I said, not knowing what that meant. The guy looked at everyone else pleadingly, but they all got up groaning and left.
"Fine," the bartender said, taking my money and giving me some weird looking rum. "Here, how about... tellytubbies?"
"That sounds good!" I said, trying to get the cork out of the funky rum bottle. The man shook his head and used one of those remote things on the television.
"Hey! I have one of those!" I gasped. The bartender shook his head again.
I looked at the screen and dropped the weird looking rum on the floor. It shattered into a million pieces. The bartender looked mad!
"What?" I asked.
"That was the most expensive stuff in the bar!" the man whined. "And you wasted it!"
"Sorry!" I said. I looked at the screen again. "Hey! Why don't you have that vacuum cleaner guy clean it up!" That guy was so cool!
But then I looked at it longer... the vacuum cleaner man had the essence of Randy about him... that fake BFF meanie! And then I saw it... it sucked things up!
"Oh no!" I gasped. "It's making pudding! What does it make pudding out of!" I started crying and ran out of the bar and into the elevator.
"NOOOOO!!!! IT'S EVIL!!! IT'S A TERRORIST!!!!" I screamed in the elevator. Then a little thingamabobber popped out of the corner and sprayed a purple mist into the elevator. I was getting very woozy!
Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a scientist! I fidgited around with some chemistry tubes and created a genius cloning device! "I have done it!" I shouted.
"Done wha?" Tinky-Winky asked.
"I made a cloning device!" I said.
"I knew woo could do ih," Poe said.
"You have dumb names and you talk funny," I said.
"Yes we do," the tellytubbies said.
I carried my genius invention into the hill house, and suddenly, arms flew out of the ground and trapped me! "Help!" I shouted.
"Be quiet! It's time to discover... the terrible truth about the 'adorable' tellytubbies," Tinky-Winky said evily.
"OH NO!!!!"
Tune in soon to see what happens to me!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Amelia Earhart
"Birger... I can't believe it. You singlehandedly ruined the lives of four children, let Randy get away, and inspired one of the books of all time... in forty-five minutes. You've really outdone yourself this time," Axel said.
"Oh, stop!" I said bashfully.
"Gladly," Axel said gloomily. "I mean, what're we gonna do? Our plan is totally ruined. Where's Randy?"
"Wait!" I said. "Don't-say-anything. This always works. I wish I knew where Randy was so I could go tell him I don't want to be his BFF anymore and never want to see him again."
A rock flew through the window. A piece of paper was wrapped around the rock and it had written on it: Stalking Amelia Earhart on her worldwide solo voyage.
"I knew it would work!" I said happily.
"Wow, through all those times of being stalked, Birger actually figured out something. Nice move, Birger," Rosa said.
"Thanks," I said. "Gee, who's Amelia Eerhaert?"
"Earhart," Axel corrected. "And she was a very famous--you won't understand even if I try to tell you guys, so let's just go."
"Are you saying that we're dumb?" Rosa asked angrily.
Axel made coughing noises and pretended to scratch his head but was really pointing at me. Aw, how cute. They've created their own little sign-language.
"Can I learn it?" I asked.
"Learn what?" Rosa asked.
"Your sign language with Axel."
"Um, sorry, Birger, I don't have a sign language with Axel..."
"Yes you do. And it's a secret. But can you pleeeeeze tell me?"
Axel and Rosa exchanged glances. "Um... if we told you, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, right?" they asked.
"You're right," I said glumly, slouching downward. "Well, let's go meet this famous Amelia person. Oh, but first I have to go to the bathroom."
"Thanks for sharing, Birg," Rosa said.
So, later Axel made the purple hole and I went first this time. Then Rosa followed and last Axel and the usual tickling sensation commensed.
We were thrown out onto the plane with that Amelia lady.
"Oh my! Who are you and how did you get here?" a woman who I'm assuming was Amelia shouted.
"Well, I'm Birger," I explained. "This is Rosa. And this is my secret agent friend of the CIA, Axel," I said. "Oh, but that's apparently confidential, so don't repeat that."
Axel's head was in his hands.
"Oh... well... how did you get here?" she asked, without turning around.
"Well, we used a time machine, but... look at me when I'm talking to you! You're being rude!" I said angrily.
"I'm sorry, I can't. In case you didn't notice, I'm flying a plane."
"A wha?" I asked. Rosa and I looked at Axel curiously.
"Well, um," Axel said. "It's hard to explain. It's a form of transportation that involves flying. Modern flights have many seats on them and people work on the plane and serve you small snacks while you wait to arrive at your destination."
"I want peanuts, then," I said. Then I pressed a big button. The plane started flying out of control!
"What did you do?" the lady screamed.
"BIRGER!" Axel screamed. "Alright Miss Earhart, you'll have to come with us." He pointed the remote and the circle appeared.
"What is that?" Amelia shouted.
"It's a time machine. Now get in before we all die," Axel said camly. Amelia nodded scaredly and got in the circle.
"OH MYYYYY!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.
"You next, Rosa," Axel said.
Rosa got in. I followed her, but I heard Axel say, "If Randy wants to live, he'll have to reveal himself by making a time travel circle! Randy?"
Randy was flying through the circle!
"Hey, Randy!" I said. "Oh wait, you stalked me, I forgot. I'm not your BFF anymore! Hrmph!"
Randy shook his head.
"I'll get you Randy!" Axel yelled way behind us in the vortex. "Rosa! Birger! GET HIM!"
"I can't! I'm still digesting my peanuts," I explained.
"YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PEANUTS!" Axel screamed.
"Well then, what am I digesting?" I asked.
Rosa groaned. "I'll try to get him!" she screamed.
"I can hear you, you know," Randy said simply.
Rosa started trying to propell herself towards Randy, but it's incredibly hard to move in the swirling vortex of time.
Suddenly we were flung out onto a strangely futuristic area.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"I know this place. I stalk a lady named Suri Cruise here. Oh, there she is!" Randy said. "Oh, and there's me!" He pointed to himself... who was over hiding in some bush. "This remote is pretty cool... I can be everywhere at one time with this."
Axel and Rosa flew out of the vortex.
"Birger, why didn't you capture Randy while we were still in the vortex?!" Axel spluttered.
"Digesting," I explained again.
Rosa and Axel groaned and started running towards Randy. Randy jumped back into the vortex and Amelia flew out. "Oh my," she said.
"You say that a lot," I said.
"What is this?" she said. "Oh, look over there... is that a plane?"
"Oh, yeah," Axel said tiredly. "Here, come on, I'll take you back to your time."
"Oh, no hon. I'm not going back there. Not when I've seen the planes they have here! That old crate I used to fly looks like a mudhole compared to this!"
"And what is wrong with a mudhole?" Rosa asked.
"Well, just the fact that it's smelly and dirty and ugly," Amelia replied. "I'm off to start life anew with these people! Do you think they'll understand that I didn't dissapear, was just teleported through time?"
"Well, yeah, it's what... 2050 or somethin? The time machine was invented a few years ago..." Axel said. "You'll probably be given a few million dollars just for being the lost famous Amelia Earhart. Have fun."
"Thanks!" Amelia said.
... End of this report. Tune in soon! (Hehehe, that rhymes.)
"Oh, stop!" I said bashfully.
"Gladly," Axel said gloomily. "I mean, what're we gonna do? Our plan is totally ruined. Where's Randy?"
"Wait!" I said. "Don't-say-anything. This always works. I wish I knew where Randy was so I could go tell him I don't want to be his BFF anymore and never want to see him again."
A rock flew through the window. A piece of paper was wrapped around the rock and it had written on it: Stalking Amelia Earhart on her worldwide solo voyage.
"I knew it would work!" I said happily.
"Wow, through all those times of being stalked, Birger actually figured out something. Nice move, Birger," Rosa said.
"Thanks," I said. "Gee, who's Amelia Eerhaert?"
"Earhart," Axel corrected. "And she was a very famous--you won't understand even if I try to tell you guys, so let's just go."
"Are you saying that we're dumb?" Rosa asked angrily.
Axel made coughing noises and pretended to scratch his head but was really pointing at me. Aw, how cute. They've created their own little sign-language.
"Can I learn it?" I asked.
"Learn what?" Rosa asked.
"Your sign language with Axel."
"Um, sorry, Birger, I don't have a sign language with Axel..."
"Yes you do. And it's a secret. But can you pleeeeeze tell me?"
Axel and Rosa exchanged glances. "Um... if we told you, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, right?" they asked.
"You're right," I said glumly, slouching downward. "Well, let's go meet this famous Amelia person. Oh, but first I have to go to the bathroom."
"Thanks for sharing, Birg," Rosa said.
So, later Axel made the purple hole and I went first this time. Then Rosa followed and last Axel and the usual tickling sensation commensed.
We were thrown out onto the plane with that Amelia lady.
"Oh my! Who are you and how did you get here?" a woman who I'm assuming was Amelia shouted.
"Well, I'm Birger," I explained. "This is Rosa. And this is my secret agent friend of the CIA, Axel," I said. "Oh, but that's apparently confidential, so don't repeat that."
Axel's head was in his hands.
"Oh... well... how did you get here?" she asked, without turning around.
"Well, we used a time machine, but... look at me when I'm talking to you! You're being rude!" I said angrily.
"I'm sorry, I can't. In case you didn't notice, I'm flying a plane."
"A wha?" I asked. Rosa and I looked at Axel curiously.
"Well, um," Axel said. "It's hard to explain. It's a form of transportation that involves flying. Modern flights have many seats on them and people work on the plane and serve you small snacks while you wait to arrive at your destination."
"I want peanuts, then," I said. Then I pressed a big button. The plane started flying out of control!
"What did you do?" the lady screamed.
"BIRGER!" Axel screamed. "Alright Miss Earhart, you'll have to come with us." He pointed the remote and the circle appeared.
"What is that?" Amelia shouted.
"It's a time machine. Now get in before we all die," Axel said camly. Amelia nodded scaredly and got in the circle.
"OH MYYYYY!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.
"You next, Rosa," Axel said.
Rosa got in. I followed her, but I heard Axel say, "If Randy wants to live, he'll have to reveal himself by making a time travel circle! Randy?"
Randy was flying through the circle!
"Hey, Randy!" I said. "Oh wait, you stalked me, I forgot. I'm not your BFF anymore! Hrmph!"
Randy shook his head.
"I'll get you Randy!" Axel yelled way behind us in the vortex. "Rosa! Birger! GET HIM!"
"I can't! I'm still digesting my peanuts," I explained.
"YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PEANUTS!" Axel screamed.
"Well then, what am I digesting?" I asked.
Rosa groaned. "I'll try to get him!" she screamed.
"I can hear you, you know," Randy said simply.
Rosa started trying to propell herself towards Randy, but it's incredibly hard to move in the swirling vortex of time.
Suddenly we were flung out onto a strangely futuristic area.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"I know this place. I stalk a lady named Suri Cruise here. Oh, there she is!" Randy said. "Oh, and there's me!" He pointed to himself... who was over hiding in some bush. "This remote is pretty cool... I can be everywhere at one time with this."
Axel and Rosa flew out of the vortex.
"Birger, why didn't you capture Randy while we were still in the vortex?!" Axel spluttered.
"Digesting," I explained again.
Rosa and Axel groaned and started running towards Randy. Randy jumped back into the vortex and Amelia flew out. "Oh my," she said.
"You say that a lot," I said.
"What is this?" she said. "Oh, look over there... is that a plane?"
"Oh, yeah," Axel said tiredly. "Here, come on, I'll take you back to your time."
"Oh, no hon. I'm not going back there. Not when I've seen the planes they have here! That old crate I used to fly looks like a mudhole compared to this!"
"And what is wrong with a mudhole?" Rosa asked.
"Well, just the fact that it's smelly and dirty and ugly," Amelia replied. "I'm off to start life anew with these people! Do you think they'll understand that I didn't dissapear, was just teleported through time?"
"Well, yeah, it's what... 2050 or somethin? The time machine was invented a few years ago..." Axel said. "You'll probably be given a few million dollars just for being the lost famous Amelia Earhart. Have fun."
"Thanks!" Amelia said.
... End of this report. Tune in soon! (Hehehe, that rhymes.)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The Chocolate Factory (pt.2)
"Hello, fellow eempa leempa! Would you give me a hand with this flour?" the short dude with the orange face asked me.
"Um... okaaaay," I said. I started picking up bags of flour and putting them in a cart."
"Say, you're very good at that! Have you practiced before?" the eempa leempa asked me.
"Well... I mean there's not really much to it. All you do is pick up the bag and put it in the cart," I said awkwardly.
"Gasp!" the eempa leempa gasped. "There is so much to bag-putting of into the cart! An eempa leempa's job is never easy! OH, eempa-leeeempas!" he cried.
They started singing. GREEAAAT.
"Oh, eempa-leempas are we. Lalalalalala. We like to sing. We lived in trees. Lalalalalalala! But then Billy Bonka (being the bonkers guy he is) let us live in his factory as his slaves. Oh, gee whiz!" The continued to sing and Axel and Rosa looked at me.
"Is EVERY problem in the world your fault?" they asked me.
"... Yes," I said.
"Well, STOP! We have to act normal. The children will arrive soon."
"Oh goodness, have we been singing for ten minutes now? The children have arrived!" an eempa leempa noticed. "Hurry! We must act jolly and illiterate so that Mr. Bonka won't feel inadequate! Come now, let us all be on our way!"
"Alright, now station yourselves near the children. Now, when I signal, move the children quickly. Do. Not. Hurt. The. Children. Just... move them. Like, lead them a different way. Like you're giving a tour. Okay? Then Randy will pop out, Rosa and I will snatch him, and we can be on our way. Can you do that, Birger?" Axel asked.
"Duh! I'm not stupid," I replied.
"That statement is up for debate, but let's move on!" Rosa said.
We entered the room and we saw this kooky looking old guy in a stupid, pink suit along with a bunch of snotty kids. Well, there were two that looked maybe bearable, but the others... yick. I didn't want to be in the same room as them.
Then again, the way they looked at me, they probably shared this opinion.
"Okily dokily, chilren, it's time to go to the chocolate river!" Billy said.
"Yaaay!" the children droned.
The children and Billy and I trooped out to this great big room that looked like something I had only dreamed about... everything was food.
"Mmmmm..." I said. "Chocolatey thing..." I scooped up some mud and stuck it in my mouth.
"Birger!" Rosa hissed. "This is no time for eating... go... move the fat kid that's sucking up all the chocolate in the river."
"Okay!" I said. I waddled over to the kid and thought.
"Hey kid!" I said.
"Leaf me alone! Can't you see I'm guzzlink down some chocolate!" he said in a German accent.
"You talk funny!" I laughed. Then I pushed him into the river.
"Birger!" Axel shouted. "What did you do?! We SAID NOT TO HURT THE KIDS!!!"
"My poor baby boy!" a big woman said. "He can't schvim!"
I looked around for Randy. "Nope," I said, and I waddled away before anyone noticed I had been there.
Next we were at this gum making machine. I saw this little girl looking bored. I took one of the sticks of gum and held it out. "Hey, kid! Want some gum?" I asked.
"Oooh! Gum!" she said.
I led her away from the area and looked around for Randy. He was nowhere to be seen.
"Ah, never mind, take the stupid gum," I said.
She took it and started to chew. I walked away dissapointedly and I heard shouts: "Oh my goodness! My beautiful daughter is turning blue! And she's getting huge!"
Hrmmm... I wonder what that could mean...
"Birger!" Rosa whispered. "What did you DO?! That girl turned into a giant blueberry!"
"Weird... I just gave her some gum..." I said.
"Just... maybe I should do your part. Let's trade parts..." Axel said.
"No!" I shouted. "I want to do this! This is my job! And I'm good at it!"
"That's debatable, but fine. Just don't mess anything else up!"
"You can count on me!" I said.
They looked at each other nervously and nodded. "Just... go," Axel said.
I headed over and saw the other children looking at some squirrels.
"Hey kid!" I said. "There's some treasure in the trash hole... go to the trash hole!"
Would you believe that idiot! The snotty looking girl stepped into the place and I looked around for Randy. He was nowhere to be seen.
"Oh well," I said, walking away.
I heard shouts: "My darling! She's being devoured by squirrels! Oh, GOD! She's fallen in the trash hole! Help! HELP!"
Odd...
So in the next few minutes I had shrunk this weird little kid named Ben and paid Billy Bonka to take that Charlie kid in the other room and give him a whole bunch of chocolate. And by using the process of elimination, I realized it must be that Roald Dahl kid.
Unfortunately, that took me a little while to figure out, and so... Randy got away.
And lemme tell you, Axel and Rosa were ticked.
"Um... okaaaay," I said. I started picking up bags of flour and putting them in a cart."
"Say, you're very good at that! Have you practiced before?" the eempa leempa asked me.
"Well... I mean there's not really much to it. All you do is pick up the bag and put it in the cart," I said awkwardly.
"Gasp!" the eempa leempa gasped. "There is so much to bag-putting of into the cart! An eempa leempa's job is never easy! OH, eempa-leeeempas!" he cried.
They started singing. GREEAAAT.
"Oh, eempa-leempas are we. Lalalalalala. We like to sing. We lived in trees. Lalalalalalala! But then Billy Bonka (being the bonkers guy he is) let us live in his factory as his slaves. Oh, gee whiz!" The continued to sing and Axel and Rosa looked at me.
"Is EVERY problem in the world your fault?" they asked me.
"... Yes," I said.
"Well, STOP! We have to act normal. The children will arrive soon."
"Oh goodness, have we been singing for ten minutes now? The children have arrived!" an eempa leempa noticed. "Hurry! We must act jolly and illiterate so that Mr. Bonka won't feel inadequate! Come now, let us all be on our way!"
"Alright, now station yourselves near the children. Now, when I signal, move the children quickly. Do. Not. Hurt. The. Children. Just... move them. Like, lead them a different way. Like you're giving a tour. Okay? Then Randy will pop out, Rosa and I will snatch him, and we can be on our way. Can you do that, Birger?" Axel asked.
"Duh! I'm not stupid," I replied.
"That statement is up for debate, but let's move on!" Rosa said.
We entered the room and we saw this kooky looking old guy in a stupid, pink suit along with a bunch of snotty kids. Well, there were two that looked maybe bearable, but the others... yick. I didn't want to be in the same room as them.
Then again, the way they looked at me, they probably shared this opinion.
"Okily dokily, chilren, it's time to go to the chocolate river!" Billy said.
"Yaaay!" the children droned.
The children and Billy and I trooped out to this great big room that looked like something I had only dreamed about... everything was food.
"Mmmmm..." I said. "Chocolatey thing..." I scooped up some mud and stuck it in my mouth.
"Birger!" Rosa hissed. "This is no time for eating... go... move the fat kid that's sucking up all the chocolate in the river."
"Okay!" I said. I waddled over to the kid and thought.
"Hey kid!" I said.
"Leaf me alone! Can't you see I'm guzzlink down some chocolate!" he said in a German accent.
"You talk funny!" I laughed. Then I pushed him into the river.
"Birger!" Axel shouted. "What did you do?! We SAID NOT TO HURT THE KIDS!!!"
"My poor baby boy!" a big woman said. "He can't schvim!"
I looked around for Randy. "Nope," I said, and I waddled away before anyone noticed I had been there.
Next we were at this gum making machine. I saw this little girl looking bored. I took one of the sticks of gum and held it out. "Hey, kid! Want some gum?" I asked.
"Oooh! Gum!" she said.
I led her away from the area and looked around for Randy. He was nowhere to be seen.
"Ah, never mind, take the stupid gum," I said.
She took it and started to chew. I walked away dissapointedly and I heard shouts: "Oh my goodness! My beautiful daughter is turning blue! And she's getting huge!"
Hrmmm... I wonder what that could mean...
"Birger!" Rosa whispered. "What did you DO?! That girl turned into a giant blueberry!"
"Weird... I just gave her some gum..." I said.
"Just... maybe I should do your part. Let's trade parts..." Axel said.
"No!" I shouted. "I want to do this! This is my job! And I'm good at it!"
"That's debatable, but fine. Just don't mess anything else up!"
"You can count on me!" I said.
They looked at each other nervously and nodded. "Just... go," Axel said.
I headed over and saw the other children looking at some squirrels.
"Hey kid!" I said. "There's some treasure in the trash hole... go to the trash hole!"
Would you believe that idiot! The snotty looking girl stepped into the place and I looked around for Randy. He was nowhere to be seen.
"Oh well," I said, walking away.
I heard shouts: "My darling! She's being devoured by squirrels! Oh, GOD! She's fallen in the trash hole! Help! HELP!"
Odd...
So in the next few minutes I had shrunk this weird little kid named Ben and paid Billy Bonka to take that Charlie kid in the other room and give him a whole bunch of chocolate. And by using the process of elimination, I realized it must be that Roald Dahl kid.
Unfortunately, that took me a little while to figure out, and so... Randy got away.
And lemme tell you, Axel and Rosa were ticked.
The Chocolate Factory (pt. 1)
"Well, this annoying," Axel said.
Randy had just become a villain. And to think: That guy used to be my BFF!
"Well, yeah, I guess, but we get to travel through time to complete missions!" I said happily. Axel looked at me like I was crazy.
"I stayed in the sixteen hundreds for twenty years because I had a mission in time travel. This is NOT a good thing. NOT. GOOD."
"Well, at least I'm not a farmhand anymore," I said happily, sitting down on some buttons. The screen thingy looked like this: reuifdkjvhdnbwurkdjvhfjdawieruwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
"Hee, hee! Check this out! Oh, wait! Never mind... it's all gone," I said.
"What?!" Axel screamed. "That was a program that was going to retrieve the seventeen minutes lost in the watergate scandal! That program has taken twenty-five years to run and it was going to be done in TWO MONTHS!"
"The wha?" I asked.
"You... simpletons of the past!" Axel spluttered. "I can't--DEAL with this right now! I was supposed to be reversing the assassination of Lincoln right now! What is my boss going to say when he finds out that I've brought the DUMBEST guy EVER to the future?!"
"Where is he?" I asked. "I want to throw tomaters as him."
Axel sighed. "Well, there's nothing for it now. I guess my new, revised mission is to get the remote from Randy. You don't understand... he could be every place at every time. He probably IS everywhere, since he wants to stalk everyone. Except you, Birger, you've already been a victim and rule number one of stalkership is to NEVER confront the victim."
"I'm special..." I said. "Wait a minute, how do YOU know this?"
"Um... CIA Training. Just... let it be," Axel said uncomfortably.
I thought about it for a second... "Okay."
So Axel got out his remote thingamabobber and pressed a few buttons.
"Oooh! Can I see?" I asked.
"Birger, stay!" Rosa barked.
"Fiiiine," I said dissapointedly.
Axel aimed it at the air and the purple circle appeared.
"Ladies first... Rosa," Axel said. "Or are you really a guy who's pretending to be a girl who pretended to be a guy?"
"Shut up, Axel. Mind your own beezwax," Rosa said.
She stepped up to the purple circle and stuck her head in. Suddenly the rest of her was sucked in too. "Axel! What the heck did you do..." she screamed.
"Isn't it supposed do that?" I asked.
"God, she is such a girl," Axel said. "You next, Birg."
"Schweet!" I said happily, stepping up to the circle. I stuck my head in too and suddenly I was being sucked inwards.
"Oooh! It feels like it's massaging me!" I said.
"TMI, Birger!" Rosa screamed.Finally, we were thrown onto a busy, dirty street in a smoggy city. There were horse-less carriages surrounding me.
"Oi!" someone shouted with a funky accent. "Nice outfits! You're standin in the middle of the street, you ninnies! You could be run over!"
"Wha?" I asked.
"Blimey, you a foreigner?"
"No, he just has amnesia. Leave the poor boy alone," Axel said.
"Wha?" I asked.
"We're in England. In 1924."
"Wha?"
Axel sighed. "Come with me. Reports say a villainous persona has been seen lurking about around Billy Bonka's chocolate factory."
"Wha?"
Rosa pushed me forward where ever we walked. When we got odd stares, they told people I had a mental illness. I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure I don't.
After being pushed around for about forty-five minutes, Axel pointed. "There it is! Billy Bonka's Chocolate Factory. The most famous in the world. And today, six lucky young children have gotten silver tickets and are going to get a tour. Their names are: Thadeus "Thad" Safatboy, Ima spoiledrychgurl, Ima Lsoaspoiltrychgurlbutnawtazrych, Ben Watchenteeveealldailawng, Charlie Puckette, and Roald Dahl. Rumor has it that Billy Bonka has slaves called Eempa Leempas. We're going in as eempa leempas."
"Me too?" I asked.
"Yes, unfortunately, we'll need all of us."
"Well, what's our mission?" Rosa asked.
"Well, Randy is reportedly stalking one of these children. We'll have to figure out who by moving said children very quickly so that Randy will have to move very quickly, thus exposing his wherabouts. Once we see him, we pin him down and get the remote."
"But what if he doesn't have it with him?" I asked.
Apparently this thought had not crossed Axel's mind.
"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. And you see this?" Axel pulled out a badge. "This is a 'do whatever I want and get away with it' badge. I figured that out by watching transformers."
"Schweet," I said.
"This handy little gadget is something I like to use to change appearances," Axel said. He pointed it at us and soon enough, we were short and orange.
"I liked being a man better," grumbled Rosa.
"Yeah, well, we're still really creeped out by your confession so just... let's keep that subject on the down low shall we?" Axel said.
"Whatever," Rosa grumbled.
I pulled up my purple britches and we entered the factory.
Wooooo! You see this technique? This is called SUSPENSE. Say it with me: Suuuuspeennse. I use it to make you want to read more. So... come back soon! These things don't take very long to make, just one math class!
JK! LOL! Hehehe... I hate it when people say that.
Anyway, here ya go!
Randy had just become a villain. And to think: That guy used to be my BFF!
"Well, yeah, I guess, but we get to travel through time to complete missions!" I said happily. Axel looked at me like I was crazy.
"I stayed in the sixteen hundreds for twenty years because I had a mission in time travel. This is NOT a good thing. NOT. GOOD."
"Well, at least I'm not a farmhand anymore," I said happily, sitting down on some buttons. The screen thingy looked like this: reuifdkjvhdnbwurkdjvhfjdawieruwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
"Hee, hee! Check this out! Oh, wait! Never mind... it's all gone," I said.
"What?!" Axel screamed. "That was a program that was going to retrieve the seventeen minutes lost in the watergate scandal! That program has taken twenty-five years to run and it was going to be done in TWO MONTHS!"
"The wha?" I asked.
"You... simpletons of the past!" Axel spluttered. "I can't--DEAL with this right now! I was supposed to be reversing the assassination of Lincoln right now! What is my boss going to say when he finds out that I've brought the DUMBEST guy EVER to the future?!"
"Where is he?" I asked. "I want to throw tomaters as him."
Axel sighed. "Well, there's nothing for it now. I guess my new, revised mission is to get the remote from Randy. You don't understand... he could be every place at every time. He probably IS everywhere, since he wants to stalk everyone. Except you, Birger, you've already been a victim and rule number one of stalkership is to NEVER confront the victim."
"I'm special..." I said. "Wait a minute, how do YOU know this?"
"Um... CIA Training. Just... let it be," Axel said uncomfortably.
I thought about it for a second... "Okay."
So Axel got out his remote thingamabobber and pressed a few buttons.
"Oooh! Can I see?" I asked.
"Birger, stay!" Rosa barked.
"Fiiiine," I said dissapointedly.
Axel aimed it at the air and the purple circle appeared.
"Ladies first... Rosa," Axel said. "Or are you really a guy who's pretending to be a girl who pretended to be a guy?"
"Shut up, Axel. Mind your own beezwax," Rosa said.
She stepped up to the purple circle and stuck her head in. Suddenly the rest of her was sucked in too. "Axel! What the heck did you do..." she screamed.
"Isn't it supposed do that?" I asked.
"God, she is such a girl," Axel said. "You next, Birg."
"Schweet!" I said happily, stepping up to the circle. I stuck my head in too and suddenly I was being sucked inwards.
"Oooh! It feels like it's massaging me!" I said.
"TMI, Birger!" Rosa screamed.Finally, we were thrown onto a busy, dirty street in a smoggy city. There were horse-less carriages surrounding me.
"Oi!" someone shouted with a funky accent. "Nice outfits! You're standin in the middle of the street, you ninnies! You could be run over!"
"Wha?" I asked.
"Blimey, you a foreigner?"
"No, he just has amnesia. Leave the poor boy alone," Axel said.
"Wha?" I asked.
"We're in England. In 1924."
"Wha?"
Axel sighed. "Come with me. Reports say a villainous persona has been seen lurking about around Billy Bonka's chocolate factory."
"Wha?"
Rosa pushed me forward where ever we walked. When we got odd stares, they told people I had a mental illness. I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure I don't.
After being pushed around for about forty-five minutes, Axel pointed. "There it is! Billy Bonka's Chocolate Factory. The most famous in the world. And today, six lucky young children have gotten silver tickets and are going to get a tour. Their names are: Thadeus "Thad" Safatboy, Ima spoiledrychgurl, Ima Lsoaspoiltrychgurlbutnawtazrych, Ben Watchenteeveealldailawng, Charlie Puckette, and Roald Dahl. Rumor has it that Billy Bonka has slaves called Eempa Leempas. We're going in as eempa leempas."
"Me too?" I asked.
"Yes, unfortunately, we'll need all of us."
"Well, what's our mission?" Rosa asked.
"Well, Randy is reportedly stalking one of these children. We'll have to figure out who by moving said children very quickly so that Randy will have to move very quickly, thus exposing his wherabouts. Once we see him, we pin him down and get the remote."
"But what if he doesn't have it with him?" I asked.
Apparently this thought had not crossed Axel's mind.
"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. And you see this?" Axel pulled out a badge. "This is a 'do whatever I want and get away with it' badge. I figured that out by watching transformers."
"Schweet," I said.
"This handy little gadget is something I like to use to change appearances," Axel said. He pointed it at us and soon enough, we were short and orange.
"I liked being a man better," grumbled Rosa.
"Yeah, well, we're still really creeped out by your confession so just... let's keep that subject on the down low shall we?" Axel said.
"Whatever," Rosa grumbled.
I pulled up my purple britches and we entered the factory.
Wooooo! You see this technique? This is called SUSPENSE. Say it with me: Suuuuspeennse. I use it to make you want to read more. So... come back soon! These things don't take very long to make, just one math class!
JK! LOL! Hehehe... I hate it when people say that.
Anyway, here ya go!
Part 6... THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!!!! If you don't read the other parts, at least read this!!!!
Well, things have been looking pretty bleak. But fortunately, Birger's back and he's as stupid as ever! Will a simple slip of the hand be able to mess up the world as badly as possible?
Um... yeah. Sorry.
My Name is Birger: Part VI… Departure
Sorry I haven’t put an entry in for a long time. Life as a farmhand has been, as usual, amazingly boring.
Every day for three months it’s been the same old story. Wake up early, feed the animals, milk the cows, and tend to crops. I don’t even get to GO to market any more because my parents are afraid I’ll run into some guy and go on some crazy voyage to Rocks again! They say they’d let me go if it weren’t for the fact that my other brothers have left the farm and so they have no one left to be their minion but me.
I haven’t heard from Axel or Rudolf in three months. Randy sometimes pops up from behind the corn stalks every once and a while. He likes to play hide and seek tag, but every time I see him, he gets away!
He’s really good at hide and go seek tag.
My sister likes to hang out in her room and write love letters to her fiancé. It drives me insane. Barbro is all she talks about! Barbro, Barbro, Barbro. Luckily she’s getting married tomorrow and is leaving forever. Thank God.
“Birger!!!!” she screamed down the stairs.
“Yeah, what?” I asked.
“Would you like to invite a few of your friends to the wedding? You do have friends, right? I don’t want to be the bride with the best man who sits and does nothing for the entire day.”
“I have friends!” I said angrily.
“Well then invite them!” she replied. I heard a door slam.
I wondered where everyone might be… well, Axel would definitely be living at the mansion with his mother and his crippled ex-BFF/step-father. Rudolf would probably be down at the Overflowing Pint, or maybe grubbing in some mud-hole… I had no clue where Randy might be.
Suddenly a rock flew through the window!
Wrapped around the rock was a piece of paper. On the paper was written: I’ve been living in a hut made of sticks, twigs, rocks, and seaweed. Just in case you wanted to know…
Well, that was helpful! Good timing, too…
I made some invitations and then I decided to head off to the beach hut, first.
Like it said on the piece of paper, Randy was living in a hut. He was sitting on the patio drinking rum.
“Hello, Randy! My, you look very good,” I said.
“OH. It’s you,” Randy said.
“Yup, it’s me! Birger! It’s tough being so far from your BFF.”
“Yeah, well… what do you want?”
“First I want to give you a hug!” I said. I tried to, but he jumped out of the way and I fell down. “Good one!” I said. “But seriously, I’ve got an invitation for you. It’s from my sister. Her wedding. To a guy named Barbro.”
“Barbro died,” Randy said.
“No, not THAT Barbro. A different Barbro. This Barbro wasn’t killed in a drunken kicking riot on the Kermit Noggel,” I said matter-of-factly.
“Oh. Okay,” Randy said, taking the “piece of paper.”
Randy looked at it.
“Why is it written on a leaf?”
“Because I ripped off the Simpsons Movie,” I replied.
Randy paused. “Of course,” he said.
I decided to go give Axel his invitation.
Axel was definitely living large ever since he had decided to blow us off. Except for the part that, although he was living in a mansion, he was living with his mother.
I knocked on the door and a weird looking guy answered.
“Wow, I feel bad for you, having to wear that outfit,” I said. “You look like one of those prissy butlers!”
“I am a butler,” the man said. “May I help you, sir?”
“Oh,” I said. There was an awkward silence. “Yeah, well, I’d like to give a Mr. Axel whatever-his-last-name-is this invitation to my sister’s wedding!” I said grandly.
The butler guy took my leaf and slammed the door in my face.
Jeez, Axel needs to hire some new help.
“Okay, now the Overflowing Pint is the last stop!” I said. “…Or maybe some muddy pit!” And I was off.
The Overflowing Pint was as full of drunken idiots as it was last time I was there.
I was home.
I shook my head vigorously. “You are not here to make friends with the brandy! You are here to get Rudolf to come to your sisters wedding!”
“You’re going to marry your sister to the brandy?” slurred some weirdo. I stepped away nervously. “There’s a cute little place to do that out back! ‘Course, the bartender’s dad is buried back there. There’s a stone marker sayin’ so. But I’d say it’s still a very spiritual place. I… I… wait! You can’t marry ‘er to the brandy! I love the brandy! Just—leave me alone!” he cried. Then he collapsed.
I made a repulsed noise and shuffled away from the drunken loser. It was weird, that guy looked a LOT like my brother…
Oh well. I’d deal with that later.
I sat up at the counter. “Oh, hi Birger!” Rudolf said.
“Yeah, gimme a pint,” I said.
He nodded and turned around.
Wait a second… “RUDOLF!”
He turned around. “Change your mind?” he asked.
“No! Actually, I just wanted to give you something.” I shoved my hand into my pocket and pulled out the leaf.
Rudolf looked at it dissapointedly. “Is that all?”
“It’s not just a leaf!” I laughed at Rudolf’s ignorance. “It’s an invitation to my sister’s wedding!”
Rudolf took it. “…Her invitations were written on leaves?”
“Just… gimme a pint!” I said.
The Next Day…
I had never thought about how boring weddings were. They were seriously boring though. I stood up there behind Barbro while he stared at my sister and she stared back. And the old guy in the funny outfit that was reading out of the big book kept on coughing.
“You have a funny hat, old man,” I said to him.
My sister gasped. “Birger, that’s no way to talk to a PRIEST!” she hissed.
“Oh, that’s what you are?” I said. “Sorry.”
The guy was too busy coughing to listen.
But finally the marrying part was over and it was time for us all to mingle.
I’ve never liked mingling. Well, I suppose I used to, but definitely not any more. DEFINITELY not anymore. You see, I try to be friendly, but whatever I say gets this great big, “What?!” and it’s like, YOU try to say something nice about the ugly, fat, pimply guy in front of you and see if you come up with anything good! Gosh!
So, anyway, my mom and dad both made these big speeches about my sister, saying, “Oh! She was always so good and so pretty. I knew being pretty would come in handy someday… she’s gone and married a rich guy!” Teehee. Big schmeal. I could marry a rich guy if I really wanted to… wait. That came out wrong. I can’t figure out, why, though…
Anyway, I was bored out of my skull, and by the looks of it, so were Rudolf and Axel. Randy looked pretty happy though, hiding up in the tree above me and looking down to see what I was doing.
So to remedy my boredom, I decided to make a speech. So when my dad came down from the podium, I went up.
I saw a look of horror appear on all of my family’s faces.
You SEE?! THIS is why I turned out to be the way I am! I don’t get ANY support from ANY of my family members in ANY form!
“Well, I don’t know if any of you know me, I’ve been off in the New World for a really long time, and my family doesn’t really like to talk about me… but I’m the bride’s brother! And guess what: I’M NOT THE STUPID FARMHAND EVERYONE THINKS I AM! I… I have a confession to make!”
“What is this, Alcoholics Anonymous?” someone whispered.
“I heard that! I am NOT an alcoholic! I… I… I can read.”
And a hush went over the crowd.
“Yeah! You didn’t think I could, did you! Well, I can! AND I can write! As a matter of fact, I’ve been recording all our lives for a really long time now! Check it out!” I cried as I threw out papers from this story into the crowd.
“Ooooh! What now?” I said.
“Wait, are we confessing?” I heard Randy say. Then he fell out of the tree. “Because I have a confession too!”
“Come on up here, Randy! We’re all here for you!” I said.
My sister put her head in her hands.
“My name is Randy, and I’m… a stalker.”
I gasped.
“I’ve been stalking Birger for a while now, and let me say, it’s been a thrill ride. But I’m afraid I must move on now that I’ve confessed. There must have been something in those nuts that those squirrels fed me…”
“No, really?” Axel screamed.
“What?” I cried. “You and I aren’t BFFs? You just STALK me?”
Randy shifted his eyes. “Um… yeah. Actually, that’s pretty much it.”
I fell down and started crying.
“Wait! I have a confession too!” cried a voice.
It was Rudolf.
“What is WRONG with you people! You kept all these secrets from me?” I bawled. Rudolf walked up to the podium.
“My name isn’t Rudolf,” Rudolf… or… whatever his name is said. “My name is… Rosa. And I’m a girl.”
Awkward silence.
“Um… yeah, you know, let’s not have a big discussion about that,” I said. “So… yeah, uh, Rosa… thanks for sharing…”
So Rosa pulled off a wig and there was some long hair underneath it. Creepy…
“Yeah, well, so that we can move on from that… strange experience, why don’t I confess to something?” Axel asked.
“Please. Be my guest,” I said.
“Okay, well, my name is not really Axel.”
“YOU’RE A GIRL?!”
“I- I- you got me. I’m a girl,” Axel said.
Everyone looked at everyone awkwardly. Axel was an incredibly butch girl.
“Um, I thought this was going to make us move on from this experience?” Rudolf said.
Axel stood there solemnly and then broke down laughing, pointing at us. “Ha! I totally got you! That’s not what I was going to confess but I couldn’t resist!”
We all sighed with release. “Alright, well, make with the confessing,” I said.
“Alright. The truth is… I’m from the future. I’m a CIA agent and I used to have a different name but right now, I’m Axel. I have a time machine and my assignment was to choose three individuals to leave their old lives behind them and come with me to different points in history so we can get important information regarding my country’s past. I’ve found those three individuals.”
…
“…What?” I asked.
Axel sighed. “I guess I’ll just have to show you.” He took out a silver looking stick. “This is called a remote!” he said like we were three. Then he pointed it at a tree. Randy gasped and fell out of the tree again. But before he hit the ground, a great big purple circle appeared in mid air and sucked him in.
“Noooo!” I screamed and jumped in after him.
Soon, Randy, Rudolf/Rosa, Axel, and I, were flying through a purple mist and it was REALLY weird. I am talking full on funkay. Axel looked totally used to it, but Rosa, Randy and I were just really freaking.
“What is this?!!” Rosa screamed.
“Um… I think these are the sands of time,” Axel said, pointing at the purple walls. “But I prefer to call this place the swirling vortex of terror!”
“Well, I like it so far,” Randy said happily.
Suddenly, it was all gone.
We were standing a big grey rooms with lots of boxes that had a part that had pictures on them.
“These are called screens. These particular screens are on computers,” Axel said, pointing at everything.
“Right, cuz, that makes perfect sense,” Randy said.
“No it doesn’t,” I corrected him. “And you’re not my BFF anymore.”
“Whatever, loser.”
“Guys, let’s not start a fight,” Rosa warned.
“Wait, show me that little remote thing,” Randy said.
“What, this?” Axel asked, holding up the remote.
“Yeah, that,” Randy said. “What did you do to take us to a certain point in history?”
“Well, you enter the latitude in the longitude and then you enter the date and time… then you press the button and voila!”
“Oh,” Randy said. “I see.”
Awkward silence.
Randy lunged for the remote, knocking Axel over.
“NOOOOO!” Axel shouted, the remote slipping from his hand.
“I got it! I got it!” I shouted triumphantly. I caught it, but it slipped through my hands and Randy was gone.
Five Minutes Later
“Well, I’ve looked on the computer,” Axel said. “Randy has now got access to every moment at every time and every place, and what’s worse, he’s a stalker. Way to go, Birger.”
“I fail to see how this is my fault.”
“It just… is. Now you and I are going to have to search for Randys at every moment at every time at every place!”
Rosa and I looked at each other.
“Um… well, this might be difficult, but okay!” I said.
Rosa’s head was soon in her hands.
Well, I may have screwed things up pretty badly, but at least now I get to travel through time! Who would’ve thought that a simple farmhand could’ve accomplished such things? Sincerely, Birger
An ex-farmhand, still a screw up, and a future world-renowned time traveler! Schweet!
Um... yeah. Sorry.
My Name is Birger: Part VI… Departure
Sorry I haven’t put an entry in for a long time. Life as a farmhand has been, as usual, amazingly boring.
Every day for three months it’s been the same old story. Wake up early, feed the animals, milk the cows, and tend to crops. I don’t even get to GO to market any more because my parents are afraid I’ll run into some guy and go on some crazy voyage to Rocks again! They say they’d let me go if it weren’t for the fact that my other brothers have left the farm and so they have no one left to be their minion but me.
I haven’t heard from Axel or Rudolf in three months. Randy sometimes pops up from behind the corn stalks every once and a while. He likes to play hide and seek tag, but every time I see him, he gets away!
He’s really good at hide and go seek tag.
My sister likes to hang out in her room and write love letters to her fiancé. It drives me insane. Barbro is all she talks about! Barbro, Barbro, Barbro. Luckily she’s getting married tomorrow and is leaving forever. Thank God.
“Birger!!!!” she screamed down the stairs.
“Yeah, what?” I asked.
“Would you like to invite a few of your friends to the wedding? You do have friends, right? I don’t want to be the bride with the best man who sits and does nothing for the entire day.”
“I have friends!” I said angrily.
“Well then invite them!” she replied. I heard a door slam.
I wondered where everyone might be… well, Axel would definitely be living at the mansion with his mother and his crippled ex-BFF/step-father. Rudolf would probably be down at the Overflowing Pint, or maybe grubbing in some mud-hole… I had no clue where Randy might be.
Suddenly a rock flew through the window!
Wrapped around the rock was a piece of paper. On the paper was written: I’ve been living in a hut made of sticks, twigs, rocks, and seaweed. Just in case you wanted to know…
Well, that was helpful! Good timing, too…
I made some invitations and then I decided to head off to the beach hut, first.
Like it said on the piece of paper, Randy was living in a hut. He was sitting on the patio drinking rum.
“Hello, Randy! My, you look very good,” I said.
“OH. It’s you,” Randy said.
“Yup, it’s me! Birger! It’s tough being so far from your BFF.”
“Yeah, well… what do you want?”
“First I want to give you a hug!” I said. I tried to, but he jumped out of the way and I fell down. “Good one!” I said. “But seriously, I’ve got an invitation for you. It’s from my sister. Her wedding. To a guy named Barbro.”
“Barbro died,” Randy said.
“No, not THAT Barbro. A different Barbro. This Barbro wasn’t killed in a drunken kicking riot on the Kermit Noggel,” I said matter-of-factly.
“Oh. Okay,” Randy said, taking the “piece of paper.”
Randy looked at it.
“Why is it written on a leaf?”
“Because I ripped off the Simpsons Movie,” I replied.
Randy paused. “Of course,” he said.
I decided to go give Axel his invitation.
Axel was definitely living large ever since he had decided to blow us off. Except for the part that, although he was living in a mansion, he was living with his mother.
I knocked on the door and a weird looking guy answered.
“Wow, I feel bad for you, having to wear that outfit,” I said. “You look like one of those prissy butlers!”
“I am a butler,” the man said. “May I help you, sir?”
“Oh,” I said. There was an awkward silence. “Yeah, well, I’d like to give a Mr. Axel whatever-his-last-name-is this invitation to my sister’s wedding!” I said grandly.
The butler guy took my leaf and slammed the door in my face.
Jeez, Axel needs to hire some new help.
“Okay, now the Overflowing Pint is the last stop!” I said. “…Or maybe some muddy pit!” And I was off.
The Overflowing Pint was as full of drunken idiots as it was last time I was there.
I was home.
I shook my head vigorously. “You are not here to make friends with the brandy! You are here to get Rudolf to come to your sisters wedding!”
“You’re going to marry your sister to the brandy?” slurred some weirdo. I stepped away nervously. “There’s a cute little place to do that out back! ‘Course, the bartender’s dad is buried back there. There’s a stone marker sayin’ so. But I’d say it’s still a very spiritual place. I… I… wait! You can’t marry ‘er to the brandy! I love the brandy! Just—leave me alone!” he cried. Then he collapsed.
I made a repulsed noise and shuffled away from the drunken loser. It was weird, that guy looked a LOT like my brother…
Oh well. I’d deal with that later.
I sat up at the counter. “Oh, hi Birger!” Rudolf said.
“Yeah, gimme a pint,” I said.
He nodded and turned around.
Wait a second… “RUDOLF!”
He turned around. “Change your mind?” he asked.
“No! Actually, I just wanted to give you something.” I shoved my hand into my pocket and pulled out the leaf.
Rudolf looked at it dissapointedly. “Is that all?”
“It’s not just a leaf!” I laughed at Rudolf’s ignorance. “It’s an invitation to my sister’s wedding!”
Rudolf took it. “…Her invitations were written on leaves?”
“Just… gimme a pint!” I said.
The Next Day…
I had never thought about how boring weddings were. They were seriously boring though. I stood up there behind Barbro while he stared at my sister and she stared back. And the old guy in the funny outfit that was reading out of the big book kept on coughing.
“You have a funny hat, old man,” I said to him.
My sister gasped. “Birger, that’s no way to talk to a PRIEST!” she hissed.
“Oh, that’s what you are?” I said. “Sorry.”
The guy was too busy coughing to listen.
But finally the marrying part was over and it was time for us all to mingle.
I’ve never liked mingling. Well, I suppose I used to, but definitely not any more. DEFINITELY not anymore. You see, I try to be friendly, but whatever I say gets this great big, “What?!” and it’s like, YOU try to say something nice about the ugly, fat, pimply guy in front of you and see if you come up with anything good! Gosh!
So, anyway, my mom and dad both made these big speeches about my sister, saying, “Oh! She was always so good and so pretty. I knew being pretty would come in handy someday… she’s gone and married a rich guy!” Teehee. Big schmeal. I could marry a rich guy if I really wanted to… wait. That came out wrong. I can’t figure out, why, though…
Anyway, I was bored out of my skull, and by the looks of it, so were Rudolf and Axel. Randy looked pretty happy though, hiding up in the tree above me and looking down to see what I was doing.
So to remedy my boredom, I decided to make a speech. So when my dad came down from the podium, I went up.
I saw a look of horror appear on all of my family’s faces.
You SEE?! THIS is why I turned out to be the way I am! I don’t get ANY support from ANY of my family members in ANY form!
“Well, I don’t know if any of you know me, I’ve been off in the New World for a really long time, and my family doesn’t really like to talk about me… but I’m the bride’s brother! And guess what: I’M NOT THE STUPID FARMHAND EVERYONE THINKS I AM! I… I have a confession to make!”
“What is this, Alcoholics Anonymous?” someone whispered.
“I heard that! I am NOT an alcoholic! I… I… I can read.”
And a hush went over the crowd.
“Yeah! You didn’t think I could, did you! Well, I can! AND I can write! As a matter of fact, I’ve been recording all our lives for a really long time now! Check it out!” I cried as I threw out papers from this story into the crowd.
“Ooooh! What now?” I said.
“Wait, are we confessing?” I heard Randy say. Then he fell out of the tree. “Because I have a confession too!”
“Come on up here, Randy! We’re all here for you!” I said.
My sister put her head in her hands.
“My name is Randy, and I’m… a stalker.”
I gasped.
“I’ve been stalking Birger for a while now, and let me say, it’s been a thrill ride. But I’m afraid I must move on now that I’ve confessed. There must have been something in those nuts that those squirrels fed me…”
“No, really?” Axel screamed.
“What?” I cried. “You and I aren’t BFFs? You just STALK me?”
Randy shifted his eyes. “Um… yeah. Actually, that’s pretty much it.”
I fell down and started crying.
“Wait! I have a confession too!” cried a voice.
It was Rudolf.
“What is WRONG with you people! You kept all these secrets from me?” I bawled. Rudolf walked up to the podium.
“My name isn’t Rudolf,” Rudolf… or… whatever his name is said. “My name is… Rosa. And I’m a girl.”
Awkward silence.
“Um… yeah, you know, let’s not have a big discussion about that,” I said. “So… yeah, uh, Rosa… thanks for sharing…”
So Rosa pulled off a wig and there was some long hair underneath it. Creepy…
“Yeah, well, so that we can move on from that… strange experience, why don’t I confess to something?” Axel asked.
“Please. Be my guest,” I said.
“Okay, well, my name is not really Axel.”
“YOU’RE A GIRL?!”
“I- I- you got me. I’m a girl,” Axel said.
Everyone looked at everyone awkwardly. Axel was an incredibly butch girl.
“Um, I thought this was going to make us move on from this experience?” Rudolf said.
Axel stood there solemnly and then broke down laughing, pointing at us. “Ha! I totally got you! That’s not what I was going to confess but I couldn’t resist!”
We all sighed with release. “Alright, well, make with the confessing,” I said.
“Alright. The truth is… I’m from the future. I’m a CIA agent and I used to have a different name but right now, I’m Axel. I have a time machine and my assignment was to choose three individuals to leave their old lives behind them and come with me to different points in history so we can get important information regarding my country’s past. I’ve found those three individuals.”
…
“…What?” I asked.
Axel sighed. “I guess I’ll just have to show you.” He took out a silver looking stick. “This is called a remote!” he said like we were three. Then he pointed it at a tree. Randy gasped and fell out of the tree again. But before he hit the ground, a great big purple circle appeared in mid air and sucked him in.
“Noooo!” I screamed and jumped in after him.
Soon, Randy, Rudolf/Rosa, Axel, and I, were flying through a purple mist and it was REALLY weird. I am talking full on funkay. Axel looked totally used to it, but Rosa, Randy and I were just really freaking.
“What is this?!!” Rosa screamed.
“Um… I think these are the sands of time,” Axel said, pointing at the purple walls. “But I prefer to call this place the swirling vortex of terror!”
“Well, I like it so far,” Randy said happily.
Suddenly, it was all gone.
We were standing a big grey rooms with lots of boxes that had a part that had pictures on them.
“These are called screens. These particular screens are on computers,” Axel said, pointing at everything.
“Right, cuz, that makes perfect sense,” Randy said.
“No it doesn’t,” I corrected him. “And you’re not my BFF anymore.”
“Whatever, loser.”
“Guys, let’s not start a fight,” Rosa warned.
“Wait, show me that little remote thing,” Randy said.
“What, this?” Axel asked, holding up the remote.
“Yeah, that,” Randy said. “What did you do to take us to a certain point in history?”
“Well, you enter the latitude in the longitude and then you enter the date and time… then you press the button and voila!”
“Oh,” Randy said. “I see.”
Awkward silence.
Randy lunged for the remote, knocking Axel over.
“NOOOOO!” Axel shouted, the remote slipping from his hand.
“I got it! I got it!” I shouted triumphantly. I caught it, but it slipped through my hands and Randy was gone.
Five Minutes Later
“Well, I’ve looked on the computer,” Axel said. “Randy has now got access to every moment at every time and every place, and what’s worse, he’s a stalker. Way to go, Birger.”
“I fail to see how this is my fault.”
“It just… is. Now you and I are going to have to search for Randys at every moment at every time at every place!”
Rosa and I looked at each other.
“Um… well, this might be difficult, but okay!” I said.
Rosa’s head was soon in her hands.
Well, I may have screwed things up pretty badly, but at least now I get to travel through time! Who would’ve thought that a simple farmhand could’ve accomplished such things? Sincerely, Birger
An ex-farmhand, still a screw up, and a future world-renowned time traveler! Schweet!
Part 5: Finishing School
Part 4 made you have some extra respect for the supporting characters... but not Birger! Oh no! You realized exACTLY why Birger's mummy and daddy dearest kicked him out. But in this next part, Birger will attend a school of respectability.
Yeah, unfortunately for him...
My Name is Birger... Part V: Finishing School
I was the last one to get to the beach. Axel and Rudolf were whispering and Randy was sitting on a rock blankly as if that was good conversation.
I walked over to Axel and Rudolf.
“Secrets, secrets, are no fun unless they’re shared with everyone!” I recited.
They rolled their eyes and Axel whispered, “Who told Randy where we were meeting?”
“Me,” I replied proudly, waiting for my medal of honor.
“Birger!” Rudolf hissed. “You realize that Randy was the one that held us captive on that ship!”
“Wha?” I asked.
“He kept us on that boat and wouldn’t let us leave!” Axel said.
“Oh, you guys, you are so silly. Randy was just worried we would get separated, so he locked us in a jail cell,” I replied.
“Exactly,” Rudolf replied.
I thought for a second. “… And the problem is?”
“Birger…” Rudolf said. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but… Axel and I think that Randy is a stalker.”
I wrinkled my nose. “You people are just being mean because Randy is my needy BFF and you can’t be with me!”
“Um… you might want to rephrase that,” Axel replied.
“No! You know what? I am going to bet you both that Randy gets us out of the next icky situation we get into!”
They shook their heads.
“Well, Randy! Do we have a plan?” I asked.
Randy glared and pointed at a ship.
“The Stalker Squad, I mean, uh, some friends of mine,” have commandeered that vessel and I am now the captain,” he said evilly.
“I told you!” I whispered to Axel and Rudolf.
“Come,” Randy said.
We started walking towards the ship and soon, we were walking aboard the fine vessel.
“But… won’t people think we’re pirates since we’re dressed in these grubby clothes?” Axel asked.
“Well, what other clothes do we have?” Randy replied. Suddenly we heard a scream!
“I can’t do it! I can’t wait around for them to murder us!” a girl’s voice screamed. “I’m leaving!”
A girl ran out of the cabin and off the boat. She was followed by seven others.
“You forgot to get rid of the passengers?!” Axel screamed.
“Hey, I didn’t know they were there,” Randy replied.
We went into the cabin and looked around. There was a bunch of girly stuff, including dresses. They were pretty.
“Cast off!” Randy screamed. We were sailing in an awesome ship that a bunch of stupid girls had abandoned!
But after a few hours, like on all ships, life got boring. So I had an idea!
“Let’s dress up like girls!” I said.
Axel looked up from his fingers he had been twiddling. “Excuse me?” he asked.
“You heard me. This is boring!” I said.
Rudolf and Axel avoided my eyes.
Awkward silence.
“I’ve got rum!” I coaxed.
That changed things! Before you knew it, we were all playing house and dressed up like girls!
Axel was an incredibly butch girl. I looked sort of like a fat girl who couldn’t fit into her corset. I was basically a fat girl who couldn’t fit into her corset. But I was a… guy.
Randy was an evil girl. He looked like a girl that would murder me in my sleep. But Randy just sort of emits that feeling. It’s normal.
Then we looked at Rudolf. He really did look like a girl. It was really creepy.
“You look like a girl!” Axel laughed.
“You look like a butch girl!” Rudolf retorted.
“No, but you really look like a girl!” Axel replied.
CRASH! The boat had run aground!
We all ran up on the deck. The guy at the helm had fallen asleep. Are you kidding me?
“I don’t understand! He’s been at the helm for a few days but I’ve been making him chug coffee!” Randy said.
We looked up on the shore. A bunch of old women were running down the beach.
“Ladies! What’s going on?!” they cried. They took one look at D.J. Owens passed out at the helm and jumped to some incorrect conclusions.
“You’ve been kidnapped by drunken pirates!” she cried. “Here, come. We run the finishing school just up at the top of the hill. You can stay there for a little bit.”
We looked at each other. Finishing schools were kind of a girl thing, but then again, we had just spent the past half hour pretending to be girls. Plus we were all tired and hungry and thought it would be cool to be fed and given an actually bed! (That rhymes!) We had been sleeping on mats for many, many years.
We walked up and Rudolf told us, “That’s not what girls walk like!”
“How do they walk?” I asked.
“Like this,” he demonstrated.
“Are you sure you’re not a girl?” Axel laughed. Rudolf punched him.
“Ladies! Please! I know you’ve been through a lot, but let’s not get violent!” the old woman leading us up the hill said.
Alright, now I’ve been on a ship with beer brawls every day and I’ve spoken gibberish to Lenape Indians, I’ve landed on desert islands called McNuggit, and I’ve been trapped in a jail cell made of palm trees, but I have never been in a situation this weird.
We entered the dining hall and all the girls looked at us. Rudolf curtsied.
I am starting to think that he’s gender confused.
We all curtsied, but I fell down. Axel kicked me. Randy did too. Rudolf looked at us with a face that said, You could not pass for girls if your life depended on it, but you know what? I thought I was pulling it off pretty well.
We sat down and looked at our plates. There were like fifteen thousand forks on each side.
I picked the prettiest one and stabbed my salad with it.
Rudolf slapped my hand and pointed at a different fork. For a homeless guy, he sure knew his silverware.
It went like that for another half hour (my hand getting slapped when I picked the wrong fork.) I was full but my hand was bright red at the end of it.
The old woman led us up to a room. “Now, I’m afraid you’ll have to share a room, but there are trundle beds, so you won’t have to share beds,” she said.
“Thank you, ma’am,” Rudolf said.
Axel was about to kiss her hand but Rudolf kicked him. Hard, it looked like, because he started whimpering and was laying on the ground. I pointed at laughed, but then Rudolf kicked me too. I was also on the ground whimpering in a second. A hundred eyes were on us.
The old woman coughed into her handkerchief and I asked Randy if he would help me up. He rolled his eyes and shuffled towards the door.
I decided to help myself up. The old lady led us over to a table with a few empty seats. I sat down and said with a girl’s voice, “Hi, girls! I’m a girl!”
Rudolf put his face in his hands. I patted my mouth very properly with the napkin I found on the floor. Axel put his head in his hands, too.
I thought that must be a girl thing or something, so I put my face in my hands. Randy put his face in his hands, too.
“Um, are you ladies alright?” a girl asked. “What brings you to Queen Christina’s School for Girls?”
“Well, the helmsman passed out and we were all drinking rum and playing house and that fat old lady came running up—OW!” Axel kicked me. “What?! I was just trying to tell them what happened!”
“Actually, our ship got looted by pirates and then they crashed it onto the shore!” Rudolf said in really girly voice. It was actually pretty scary.
They nodded gravely and returned to eating their… was that soup? It was green.
“What the heck is this?” I said. “Ow!”
“Cream of broccoli soup,” the girl replied. “By the way, my name is Gotilda.”
What a dumb name! “My name is Birg…”
“Birgitta!” Rudolf said. “Her name is Birgitta. My name is Rosa,” gesturing to Randy he said, “this is Regina,” and gesturing to Axel said, “this is Aurora.”
“What lovely names,” Gotilda said. Yeah right. Birgitta. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
“Actually my name is Elvisa Presleya,” I said.
“No it’s not!” Rudolf said quickly. “She’s a little woozy from the… crash. Not the rum. We didn’t drink any rum on the ship because we’re proper ladies!” He laughed nervously.
Gotilda laughed back. “You are quite hilarious! I do enjoy a good laugh.”
“Yeah?” I said. “Cuz I like laughing too. Only half the time I’m laughing and everyone looks at me kinda funny but their faces are funny so I laugh even more but then I fall down and everyone laughs but it isn’t funny.”
Gotilda raised her eyebrows. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
I tried to make more conversation for the rest of dinner but Rudolf kicked me every time I opened my mouth. Actually, sometimes I just wanted to take a bite of food, but he couldn’t tell the difference and so by the end of the night, my leg was black and blue. But you wouldn’t have been able to tell that since I had some funky pantaloons on.
It was night time and the old lady showed us our rooms. Axel and Randy were going to sleep in the same room and I was going to sleep in the same room as Rudolf. I was getting ready in the bathroom when Rudolf laid down the law.
“Alright, Birger, you can either sleep in the bathroom or in the hallway,” he said. I looked confused.
“Hallway,” I said confidently after a nice, long think. “There’s carpet out there. I don’t want to sleep on tiles.”
“Okay then!” he said brightly, and kicked me out with a pillow and a blanket. I lay down and slept. It reminded me of my days sleeping on a lumpy mat on the Kalmar Nyckel. Since then, I hadn’t had a nice bed since Rocks.
I woke up and Randy was sleeping near me. Good old Randy. Always the guy who would follow me to the end.
“’Morning, sunshine!” I said loudly, forgetting my girly voice.
As if I had called her, the old woman walked into the hallway. “Oh my!” she cried. “You wear a wig?” I looked up. My wig had fallen on the floor during the night.
“I’m afraid you don’t look very much like a girl,” the old woman said angrily. She looked at Randy. “Are all of you not girls?”
“You caught us!” Randy said with relief. “We were just ripping you off.”
The old woman knocked on all our doors and before we knew it, we were out lying on the beach in our stupid pantaloons.
“At least I don’t have to go by ‘Birgitta’ any more!” I said happily. “That was the dumbest name I’ve ever heard!”
“You should talk… Elvisa,” Rudolf said grumpily.
Axel didn’t even look like he was awake.
“Well, I’m just happy to be OUT of that trash heap!” Randy said grumpily. I didn’t understand why he was complaining. He got to go by Regina with is a lot better than stupid Birgitta.
We all sort of lay down on the beach, still exhausted because we were woken up so early. We slept there for a few more hours until a bird pooped on Axel’s head. Axel shot it down and I shook my head.
“Violence is not the answer,” I said.
“Well, what’re we supposed to do now?” Rudolf said uncertainly. “Can’t your stalker squad…”
“Circle of friends,” Randy corrected him.
“…Circle of friends hijack a ship or something? Can we build a dingy?”
Axel sat there sullenly.
“I’m tired of this,” he said.
“Of what?” I asked.
“You know, being pirates. Roughing it. Never having a good night’s sleep ever,” he said. “I want to be noble again. To live the good life. To use the money that my ancestry has to offer. Now that my mother married the man that stole all my money, I’m filthy rich again!”
“I had maybe, ‘Let’s build a boat out of those trees’ in mind more than this…” Rudolf muttered.
“I don’t care! I’m tired of playing second banana to the world! From now on, I’m a noble that lives with his mother and possibly his ex best friend if I haven’t killed him already!” Axel said. “You all can visit me some time if you like. But I’m done with this.” He trudged through the sand, tripped over a log, and then kept trudging away.
I didn’t like where this was going.
“You know, he’s right,” Rudolf said. “I’m going to get an honest job at the Overflowing Pint and make sure no more dads leave their families.”
He trudged away, too.
“Well, Randy, good buddy, looks like it’s just you and me!” I said.
Randy ran away.
Well, my friends have all left me to make it in Sweden. By myself. With no help. And the only thing I know how to do is STILL be a farmhand. So I guess the dreams of the New World were never meant to be.
Sincerely, Birger. A broken soul who must once again be a dumb farmhand. At least I’ve had an interesting past.
Yeah, unfortunately for him...
My Name is Birger... Part V: Finishing School
I was the last one to get to the beach. Axel and Rudolf were whispering and Randy was sitting on a rock blankly as if that was good conversation.
I walked over to Axel and Rudolf.
“Secrets, secrets, are no fun unless they’re shared with everyone!” I recited.
They rolled their eyes and Axel whispered, “Who told Randy where we were meeting?”
“Me,” I replied proudly, waiting for my medal of honor.
“Birger!” Rudolf hissed. “You realize that Randy was the one that held us captive on that ship!”
“Wha?” I asked.
“He kept us on that boat and wouldn’t let us leave!” Axel said.
“Oh, you guys, you are so silly. Randy was just worried we would get separated, so he locked us in a jail cell,” I replied.
“Exactly,” Rudolf replied.
I thought for a second. “… And the problem is?”
“Birger…” Rudolf said. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but… Axel and I think that Randy is a stalker.”
I wrinkled my nose. “You people are just being mean because Randy is my needy BFF and you can’t be with me!”
“Um… you might want to rephrase that,” Axel replied.
“No! You know what? I am going to bet you both that Randy gets us out of the next icky situation we get into!”
They shook their heads.
“Well, Randy! Do we have a plan?” I asked.
Randy glared and pointed at a ship.
“The Stalker Squad, I mean, uh, some friends of mine,” have commandeered that vessel and I am now the captain,” he said evilly.
“I told you!” I whispered to Axel and Rudolf.
“Come,” Randy said.
We started walking towards the ship and soon, we were walking aboard the fine vessel.
“But… won’t people think we’re pirates since we’re dressed in these grubby clothes?” Axel asked.
“Well, what other clothes do we have?” Randy replied. Suddenly we heard a scream!
“I can’t do it! I can’t wait around for them to murder us!” a girl’s voice screamed. “I’m leaving!”
A girl ran out of the cabin and off the boat. She was followed by seven others.
“You forgot to get rid of the passengers?!” Axel screamed.
“Hey, I didn’t know they were there,” Randy replied.
We went into the cabin and looked around. There was a bunch of girly stuff, including dresses. They were pretty.
“Cast off!” Randy screamed. We were sailing in an awesome ship that a bunch of stupid girls had abandoned!
But after a few hours, like on all ships, life got boring. So I had an idea!
“Let’s dress up like girls!” I said.
Axel looked up from his fingers he had been twiddling. “Excuse me?” he asked.
“You heard me. This is boring!” I said.
Rudolf and Axel avoided my eyes.
Awkward silence.
“I’ve got rum!” I coaxed.
That changed things! Before you knew it, we were all playing house and dressed up like girls!
Axel was an incredibly butch girl. I looked sort of like a fat girl who couldn’t fit into her corset. I was basically a fat girl who couldn’t fit into her corset. But I was a… guy.
Randy was an evil girl. He looked like a girl that would murder me in my sleep. But Randy just sort of emits that feeling. It’s normal.
Then we looked at Rudolf. He really did look like a girl. It was really creepy.
“You look like a girl!” Axel laughed.
“You look like a butch girl!” Rudolf retorted.
“No, but you really look like a girl!” Axel replied.
CRASH! The boat had run aground!
We all ran up on the deck. The guy at the helm had fallen asleep. Are you kidding me?
“I don’t understand! He’s been at the helm for a few days but I’ve been making him chug coffee!” Randy said.
We looked up on the shore. A bunch of old women were running down the beach.
“Ladies! What’s going on?!” they cried. They took one look at D.J. Owens passed out at the helm and jumped to some incorrect conclusions.
“You’ve been kidnapped by drunken pirates!” she cried. “Here, come. We run the finishing school just up at the top of the hill. You can stay there for a little bit.”
We looked at each other. Finishing schools were kind of a girl thing, but then again, we had just spent the past half hour pretending to be girls. Plus we were all tired and hungry and thought it would be cool to be fed and given an actually bed! (That rhymes!) We had been sleeping on mats for many, many years.
We walked up and Rudolf told us, “That’s not what girls walk like!”
“How do they walk?” I asked.
“Like this,” he demonstrated.
“Are you sure you’re not a girl?” Axel laughed. Rudolf punched him.
“Ladies! Please! I know you’ve been through a lot, but let’s not get violent!” the old woman leading us up the hill said.
Alright, now I’ve been on a ship with beer brawls every day and I’ve spoken gibberish to Lenape Indians, I’ve landed on desert islands called McNuggit, and I’ve been trapped in a jail cell made of palm trees, but I have never been in a situation this weird.
We entered the dining hall and all the girls looked at us. Rudolf curtsied.
I am starting to think that he’s gender confused.
We all curtsied, but I fell down. Axel kicked me. Randy did too. Rudolf looked at us with a face that said, You could not pass for girls if your life depended on it, but you know what? I thought I was pulling it off pretty well.
We sat down and looked at our plates. There were like fifteen thousand forks on each side.
I picked the prettiest one and stabbed my salad with it.
Rudolf slapped my hand and pointed at a different fork. For a homeless guy, he sure knew his silverware.
It went like that for another half hour (my hand getting slapped when I picked the wrong fork.) I was full but my hand was bright red at the end of it.
The old woman led us up to a room. “Now, I’m afraid you’ll have to share a room, but there are trundle beds, so you won’t have to share beds,” she said.
“Thank you, ma’am,” Rudolf said.
Axel was about to kiss her hand but Rudolf kicked him. Hard, it looked like, because he started whimpering and was laying on the ground. I pointed at laughed, but then Rudolf kicked me too. I was also on the ground whimpering in a second. A hundred eyes were on us.
The old woman coughed into her handkerchief and I asked Randy if he would help me up. He rolled his eyes and shuffled towards the door.
I decided to help myself up. The old lady led us over to a table with a few empty seats. I sat down and said with a girl’s voice, “Hi, girls! I’m a girl!”
Rudolf put his face in his hands. I patted my mouth very properly with the napkin I found on the floor. Axel put his head in his hands, too.
I thought that must be a girl thing or something, so I put my face in my hands. Randy put his face in his hands, too.
“Um, are you ladies alright?” a girl asked. “What brings you to Queen Christina’s School for Girls?”
“Well, the helmsman passed out and we were all drinking rum and playing house and that fat old lady came running up—OW!” Axel kicked me. “What?! I was just trying to tell them what happened!”
“Actually, our ship got looted by pirates and then they crashed it onto the shore!” Rudolf said in really girly voice. It was actually pretty scary.
They nodded gravely and returned to eating their… was that soup? It was green.
“What the heck is this?” I said. “Ow!”
“Cream of broccoli soup,” the girl replied. “By the way, my name is Gotilda.”
What a dumb name! “My name is Birg…”
“Birgitta!” Rudolf said. “Her name is Birgitta. My name is Rosa,” gesturing to Randy he said, “this is Regina,” and gesturing to Axel said, “this is Aurora.”
“What lovely names,” Gotilda said. Yeah right. Birgitta. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
“Actually my name is Elvisa Presleya,” I said.
“No it’s not!” Rudolf said quickly. “She’s a little woozy from the… crash. Not the rum. We didn’t drink any rum on the ship because we’re proper ladies!” He laughed nervously.
Gotilda laughed back. “You are quite hilarious! I do enjoy a good laugh.”
“Yeah?” I said. “Cuz I like laughing too. Only half the time I’m laughing and everyone looks at me kinda funny but their faces are funny so I laugh even more but then I fall down and everyone laughs but it isn’t funny.”
Gotilda raised her eyebrows. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
I tried to make more conversation for the rest of dinner but Rudolf kicked me every time I opened my mouth. Actually, sometimes I just wanted to take a bite of food, but he couldn’t tell the difference and so by the end of the night, my leg was black and blue. But you wouldn’t have been able to tell that since I had some funky pantaloons on.
It was night time and the old lady showed us our rooms. Axel and Randy were going to sleep in the same room and I was going to sleep in the same room as Rudolf. I was getting ready in the bathroom when Rudolf laid down the law.
“Alright, Birger, you can either sleep in the bathroom or in the hallway,” he said. I looked confused.
“Hallway,” I said confidently after a nice, long think. “There’s carpet out there. I don’t want to sleep on tiles.”
“Okay then!” he said brightly, and kicked me out with a pillow and a blanket. I lay down and slept. It reminded me of my days sleeping on a lumpy mat on the Kalmar Nyckel. Since then, I hadn’t had a nice bed since Rocks.
I woke up and Randy was sleeping near me. Good old Randy. Always the guy who would follow me to the end.
“’Morning, sunshine!” I said loudly, forgetting my girly voice.
As if I had called her, the old woman walked into the hallway. “Oh my!” she cried. “You wear a wig?” I looked up. My wig had fallen on the floor during the night.
“I’m afraid you don’t look very much like a girl,” the old woman said angrily. She looked at Randy. “Are all of you not girls?”
“You caught us!” Randy said with relief. “We were just ripping you off.”
The old woman knocked on all our doors and before we knew it, we were out lying on the beach in our stupid pantaloons.
“At least I don’t have to go by ‘Birgitta’ any more!” I said happily. “That was the dumbest name I’ve ever heard!”
“You should talk… Elvisa,” Rudolf said grumpily.
Axel didn’t even look like he was awake.
“Well, I’m just happy to be OUT of that trash heap!” Randy said grumpily. I didn’t understand why he was complaining. He got to go by Regina with is a lot better than stupid Birgitta.
We all sort of lay down on the beach, still exhausted because we were woken up so early. We slept there for a few more hours until a bird pooped on Axel’s head. Axel shot it down and I shook my head.
“Violence is not the answer,” I said.
“Well, what’re we supposed to do now?” Rudolf said uncertainly. “Can’t your stalker squad…”
“Circle of friends,” Randy corrected him.
“…Circle of friends hijack a ship or something? Can we build a dingy?”
Axel sat there sullenly.
“I’m tired of this,” he said.
“Of what?” I asked.
“You know, being pirates. Roughing it. Never having a good night’s sleep ever,” he said. “I want to be noble again. To live the good life. To use the money that my ancestry has to offer. Now that my mother married the man that stole all my money, I’m filthy rich again!”
“I had maybe, ‘Let’s build a boat out of those trees’ in mind more than this…” Rudolf muttered.
“I don’t care! I’m tired of playing second banana to the world! From now on, I’m a noble that lives with his mother and possibly his ex best friend if I haven’t killed him already!” Axel said. “You all can visit me some time if you like. But I’m done with this.” He trudged through the sand, tripped over a log, and then kept trudging away.
I didn’t like where this was going.
“You know, he’s right,” Rudolf said. “I’m going to get an honest job at the Overflowing Pint and make sure no more dads leave their families.”
He trudged away, too.
“Well, Randy, good buddy, looks like it’s just you and me!” I said.
Randy ran away.
Well, my friends have all left me to make it in Sweden. By myself. With no help. And the only thing I know how to do is STILL be a farmhand. So I guess the dreams of the New World were never meant to be.
Sincerely, Birger. A broken soul who must once again be a dumb farmhand. At least I’ve had an interesting past.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Part 4... The Reunion
Birger has found himself, once again, in the middle of the ocean. But as we've learned, he can still screw things up so badly it isn't even funny.
Well, maybe it is.
But, so, who kidnapped them and killed Randy?
Oops! Spoiler!
Or is it...
My Name is Birger… Part IV: The Reunion
Where were we the last time I checked? Oh, yeah. I was sleeping on some random ship made of palm trees in the middle of an ocean that I can’t name because I don’t know which one it is.
Well, I was trying to sleep. You see, Axel was kicking me and telling me to get up and that we were in the middle of some ocean on a ship that we woke up on and all I could to was sleep?!
I finally gave in and sat up. Axel was freaking out and Rudolf was sitting in a corner sucking his muddy little thumb. I rubbed my eyes.
“Guys, what is WRONG?” I said. “You are freaking out over nothing.”
“Nothing? NOTHING?! We’ve been kidnapped and they’ve MURDERED RANDY!!!” Axel screamed.
“WHAT?! RANDY’S MY BFF!” I cried. “Who’s going to follow me around everywhere I go now?!”
Now everyone was up on the deck dancing around in a panic.
Randy! They’ve murdered Randy!
Suddenly, the craziest thing happened. Randy stepped out onto the deck.
“AAAH! STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU ZOMBIE RANDY FREAK!” I screamed. I started trying to rip up one of the floorboards so that I could wave it at the zombie and it would go away.
Axel looked at Randy. “Sorry about that,” he said. “We thought our kidnappers had murdered you so right now Birger thinks you’re dead.”
He gestured over to me. I was still trying to rip the floorboard out.
Randy laughed. “Kidnappers? No, I was taking us all back to Sweden! You looked so peaceful and so I didn’t want to wake you… or at least, that’s what you think! Buahahahaha!”
I got up. Randy was back to his same old, creepy self again!
I ran over and hugged him. “Randy! You’re safe! For a minute there, I thought you’d gone and died!”
He struggled out of my grip. “Stupid farmer hick!” he said.
He was just joking though. BFFs say that, but they don’t mean it.
“So, this is your room,” Randy said. “It’s a little small, but me and the Stalker Squad only had a few hours to build this whole ship.”
The place looked like a jail cell. But there were chairs.
“Dibs on the chair by the window!” I called. I ran and sat down.
Rudolf and Axel weren’t so quick to run in, though.
“But, Randy, we could help you on the ship,” Axel said.
“Naw, it’s alright. I’ve got my slaves/stalker squad working the boat for me,” Randy replied. Then he shut the door.
“Wait! Randy! Where are—never mind,” Rudolf sat down on the chair at the end. Axel dragged his feet to the middle chair.
“Isn’t this awesome?” I said. “It’s like… our own little clubhouse! Oh my God, let’s play House!”
“No,” Axel replied.
How disappointing. I sat down in my chair and tried to think of something else to do. Suddenly a light bulb appeared over my head! Or was it a candle…
“How about we play…”
“No.”
What party poopers I had gotten stuck in a tiny room with. Why couldn’t I have gotten stuck in a room with… Ben Stiller or something. HE’D want to play House.
We sat in the room for a few hours doing nothing. This reminded me of life on the dingy, which I had recently named the S.S. McNuggit. I wish someone would make a brouhaha so I could be entertained.
Finally, the door opened. Axel stood up. “Randy?” he said. “We would like to come out of the cell now.”
“I don’t have the authority to let you do that,” Bailey said. He put in three plates of chicken fajitas in. My mouth watered. At least they’re feeding us well on this stupid ship.
But Rudolf wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pushed Bailey out of the way. Axel followed, but knocked Bailey out in the process. I also left, but I made sure to pick up all the plates. I dumped two of the fajitas in my pockets for later, then I stepped over the unconscious Bailey.
“Gee, Axel, that wasn’t nice,” I said, while simultaneously chowing down on fajitas. “Bailey’s lying on the ground with his mouth open now.”
Axel wasn’t listening. He was banging on the door he had seen Randy come out of earlier that day. Finally, he threw himself against the door and it fell down. I laughed, and stuck my hand in my pocket to get more fajitas.
“OW!” I cried. “Hot pocket! Hot pocket!”
But what I saw in the doorway made my mouth water.
“Rum,” I droned.
And I don’t really remember what happened after that. There was some drinking of rum and then I think Rudolf, Axel, and I flopped over the side of the boat. Then it was just cold, so I went to sleep.
I woke up a day later. Rudolf, Axel, and I were lying in a little cave and there was water for as far as the eye could see outside. I stood up. I had a headache.
“I’m ALIVE!” I called. “And hungry.” I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out a bit of fajita.
“You have food?” Axel asked. Rudolf got up and they started asking for some fajitas.
“Hey, hey, HEY,” I said. “If you want some food, you have to grovel.”
Axel looked at me like that was the dumbest thing in the world, but Rudolf was already down on his knees, bowing over and over. He was probably used to doing this.
“Good,” I said. I tossed him a bit of fajita. He ate it up like a dog.
Loser.
Axel rolled his eyes and got down on his knees. “Please, O Birger, spare me some… fajita,” he said.
I smiled and tossed him a bit of fajita.
I decided to see where we were.
But I can’t swim, so that was kind of hard.
I sat and waited for a few hours and finally, some dolphins showed up.
I had a great idea.
“Let’s ride the dolphins to safety!” I said triumphantly. This was the best idea I’d ever had. It was going to save all of us.
“Birger, I would like to put this politely, but that is the dumbest idea you have ever had, and you’ve had some pretty dumb ideas,” Axel told me.
“I don’t know. Remember that thing with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?” Rudolf asked.
“That would’ve have cured small pox if you’d have let me tried it!” I replied.
They had no faith in me. It made me sad. But I was not about to give up on my ideas! I jumped on the back of a dolphin and it started cackling and rolling around in the water.
“Whoa! Whoa boy!” I cried. He started swimming and it turned out that right on the other side of the cave that had no exit. I jumped off and a wave sent me hurtling onto the beach. I landed on my face.
I ripped my head out of the ground and looked around. This looked like the beach that the Kalmar Nyckel had taken off from!
“Oh, great. I’m- I’m- I’m home,” I said, putting the accent on the home part and making a face. “I hate home. I’m not going back to my house ever, ever, ever.
But I had to tell the others. I crawled up on top of the cave and yelled down in a tiny hole. “Hey! Guess what! WE’RE IN SWEDEN!”
I looked back and there was a woman on the beach. “Drunk bum,” she muttered.
Axel and Rudolf looked up.
“Where are you?” they called.
“I crawled on top of these rocks and saw a hole and you were down under the rocks that we thought were a cave. You should’ve gotten on the dolphin!”
They looked at each other and muttered something about a lucky loser and then shrugged.
“I’ll make a rope out of seaweed!” I yelled.
What? When you live on the open sea, you need to learn how to make things. Not how to read, how to make things.
I sent the rope down and they asked me how the heck they were supposed to fit through that hole. I told them they had a good point and through it down in front of the cave thing. Rudolf came up first.
“For a starving homeless kid, you weigh a ton,” I complained. Rudolf looked at me angrily.
I lay down on the rocks and panted dramatically as Rudolf pulled up Axel. Showoff.
We all staggered onto the beach. Rudolf immediately dropped down into the muddy sand and rolled around like a pig. I’m glad I’m not homeless.
Axel looked around. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the beach that the Kalmar Nyckel started on her maiden voyage from! I took a walk here before we left… oh look! There’s the port!” He started walking towards it.
“Let’s meet back here in three days!” he called. “I got a bone to pick with an ex-friend of mine!”
Rudolf stopped rolling around. “Yeah! And I’ve got a drive that I’ve never had before! I’m going to find my dad and tell him how much I hate him!”
I sighed. “I’m going to go to my family’s farm and eat some pie,” I said. Oh well. I’d been craving some pie for the past few years. You can’t find the right kind of pie in Rocks.
According to Axel
Axel had been wandering for a few hours. It had been so long since he had wandered these streets, so long since he had seen the mansion he used to call his home. Now, his old friend called it his home. His ex-friend… Fingal.
The very mention of the name would make Axel spit. This man had been his friend when Axel said he was poor, but as soon as he heard he was rich, Fingal had stolen all the money. Now Axel was a poor sailor that had no home. He was going to hit this man where it hurt. Not the wallet… the face.
Although, if he had thought hard enough about it, he probably could’ve hit him in the wallet too…
There was no time for that. That would take weeks, and they were planning on leaving Sweden in three days. He walked up to the mansion and knocked on the door.
The butler answered. Axel’s old butler.
“I’m sorry sir, but if you wish for an audience with Sir Fingal, you’ll have to come back with suitable clothes.”
Axel suddenly realized what he was wearing. He was basically dressed in rags. He was what you might call… riffraff.
“Ferdinand, it’s me. Axel,” he said.
Ferdinand looked for a second. Then he fainted.
Axel stepped over Ferdinand and ran up the stairs. He burst in through a door and saw Fingal sitting there… with Axel’s mother. They were conversing and calling each other “dumpling.” Axel wanted to puke.
“You married my mom?!” Axel screamed.
“Oh, sweet heart! It’s you!” Axel’s mother said. “I’ve missed you. Oh, and did I tell you? Your father died, so I married Fingal here. I was sure you wouldn’t mind, what with you being such good friends and all.”
I stood there for a second and then looked at Fingal. Then I picked him up and threw him over the side of the balcony. It was incredibly satisfying.
I looked at my mother, who sat there, unfazed, drinking her tea. I panted for a second.
“That’s how I roll,” I said. And then I went up to my room.
According to Rudolf:
Rudolf thought hard. He had found his favorite mud hole in all of Sweden, but he still had no clue as to where his father might be. He thought hard… and finally remembered something his mom had said about her father.
“The drunk loser spent his whole life in that pub, the Overflowing Pint,” she had said.
Luckily enough, the Overflowing Pint was right down the street from Rudolf’s mud hole. Rudolf stood up and walked down the street.
He stood in front of the building, looking up at the sign. Rudolf gathered his courage and opened up the door. He was hoping for a grand entrance, but no one looked over.
Rudolf strode over to the counter.
“Can I help y… do I know you, son?” the bartender asked.
“No, but you knew my father. Can you tell me where I could find him?” Rudolf asked.
He nodded towards the back door.
“Poor guy’s back there,” he said.
Rudolf wondered what he meant by that. Other than the fact that his dad was back there.
He went out the backdoor and there was a small patch of grass and a trash heap. Rudolf kicked the grass, annoyed that his father wasn’t there. But then he saw a small rock. He picked it up and written on it in some strange ink was “Here lies Sylvester Somethin or other. He was always too drunk to remember his last name. R.I.P.”
Rudolf was annoyed that he couldn’t tell his father how ticked he was, so he dropped the rock and stomped on it.
It was incredibly satisfying.
“That’s how I roll,” Rudolf said, and he walked out of the Overflowing Pint forever.
Back to Birger…
I spent a few hours walking back to my family’s farm. When I got there, I hesitated before knocking on the door. But I decided, what the hey, if I didn’t knock, I wouldn’t get pie, so I knocked.
My mother opened the door and looked out over the thresh hold.
“I don’t vote, I don’t want any raffle tickets, and I hate whales,” she said. She looked me up and down. “Hmmm… you look familiar. Have you tried to mooch off of me before?”
“Mom! I am flabbergasted! It’s me, Birger!”
She thought for a second. “Oh! Birger! Welcome home, sweetie!” She opened up the door and let me in.
“Let’s get you a change of clothes,” she said. “You look like a hobo. What’ve you been doing for the past few years? You were in politics, weren’t you?”
“No, mom, I sailed to the New World and got kicked off of it and then got stuck on a desert island with a few friends wand was then kidnapped by a zombie of my BFF but it turned out he was alive and then we found some rum and fell off the ship and then we landed in a cave and dolphins saved us and then Axel made me come see you guys.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s really interesting,” she said. “Oh yes, and a friend dropped by earlier to see if you were here, but I told him you had been eaten by wolves, cause I couldn’t remember what really happened.”
“What was his name?”
“Randy.”
I jumped for joy! RANDY! “He’s my BFF! Did he tell you where he was staying?”
A rock flew through the window. Written on it was “The Overflowing Pint Inn.”
I looked at my mom.
“I’m going to the Overflowing Pint Inn!” I said.
“Alright. Well, it was nice seeing you after all these years,” my mom said. “Oh, and here’s a change of clothes. If anyone asks, you’re not related to me.”
I nodded and took the clothes. I changed behind a tree in the front yard. A squirrel looked down at me and died.
“Oh, shut up,” I muttered, but it was kind of useless, because the poor little thing would never squeak again. I found a box and buried it before I left for the Overflowing Pint Inn.
I threw open the doors of the Inn and said, “Randy! I’m here! It’s me! Birger! Your BFF!”
I looked around. An old woman was the only person in the shop, and she was looking at some teabags.
“Oops, sorry. Wrong shop,” I said. I walked out of the store and to the one next door.
“It’s me! Birger!” I shouted as I threw open the doors. Everyone looked at me, shook their head, and got back to their beer. Alcoholics. You can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. Well, maybe you could live without ‘em.
I headed up to the bartender and slapped my hand down on the counter. He looked up at me.
“I want information on the whereabouts of Randy,” I said.
“Randy? We got about five of ‘em living up in the rooms. Which one do you want?”
Randy had a last name?
“Randy,” I replied confidently.
He shook his head and said, “There’s one in each room between Room 7 and Room 12. Good luck.” He nodded over towards the stairs in the corner.
I walked over to the stairs and started heading upwards. I knocked on the first door.
“Hello?!” I called in. “Randy?”
“Yeah, what?!” I heard some guy scream.
“It’s me! Birger!”
“Who?”
That wasn’t Randy. I headed to the next door.
“Randy? It’s me, Birger!” I called.
No answer.
That wasn’t Randy either.
Next door. “Randy!” I shouted.
A guy opened the door.
His head went up to about my waste.
“Oh, um, sorry. I was looking for a non-midget,” I said politely. He scowled and slammed the door.
I knocked on the next door and heard a familiar sinister voice. It was Randy!
“Randy!” I called. “It’s me! Birger!”
He opened the door and peered out.
“Where are you staying, Birger?” he asked.
“Well, I’ve been lying around in the sand on the beach lately, but I visited my mom today,” I replied. “But now, I’ve got to meet Axel and Rudolf down at the beach tonight.”
He nodded and slammed the door. I shrugged and figured he was probably still in his pajamas, so I waited for a few minutes for him to open the door again.
Nothing.
“Well, I’ll see you at the beach!” I called.
“Leave!” he snarled.
“Okay!” I replied cheerfully. And I started my long treck back to the beach.
Well, not much has changed since my last entry. At least not for me. But my friends, wow! Have THEY got some stories to tell!
Sincerely, Birger. An unemployed loser with some cool friends.
Well, maybe it is.
But, so, who kidnapped them and killed Randy?
Oops! Spoiler!
Or is it...
My Name is Birger… Part IV: The Reunion
Where were we the last time I checked? Oh, yeah. I was sleeping on some random ship made of palm trees in the middle of an ocean that I can’t name because I don’t know which one it is.
Well, I was trying to sleep. You see, Axel was kicking me and telling me to get up and that we were in the middle of some ocean on a ship that we woke up on and all I could to was sleep?!
I finally gave in and sat up. Axel was freaking out and Rudolf was sitting in a corner sucking his muddy little thumb. I rubbed my eyes.
“Guys, what is WRONG?” I said. “You are freaking out over nothing.”
“Nothing? NOTHING?! We’ve been kidnapped and they’ve MURDERED RANDY!!!” Axel screamed.
“WHAT?! RANDY’S MY BFF!” I cried. “Who’s going to follow me around everywhere I go now?!”
Now everyone was up on the deck dancing around in a panic.
Randy! They’ve murdered Randy!
Suddenly, the craziest thing happened. Randy stepped out onto the deck.
“AAAH! STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU ZOMBIE RANDY FREAK!” I screamed. I started trying to rip up one of the floorboards so that I could wave it at the zombie and it would go away.
Axel looked at Randy. “Sorry about that,” he said. “We thought our kidnappers had murdered you so right now Birger thinks you’re dead.”
He gestured over to me. I was still trying to rip the floorboard out.
Randy laughed. “Kidnappers? No, I was taking us all back to Sweden! You looked so peaceful and so I didn’t want to wake you… or at least, that’s what you think! Buahahahaha!”
I got up. Randy was back to his same old, creepy self again!
I ran over and hugged him. “Randy! You’re safe! For a minute there, I thought you’d gone and died!”
He struggled out of my grip. “Stupid farmer hick!” he said.
He was just joking though. BFFs say that, but they don’t mean it.
“So, this is your room,” Randy said. “It’s a little small, but me and the Stalker Squad only had a few hours to build this whole ship.”
The place looked like a jail cell. But there were chairs.
“Dibs on the chair by the window!” I called. I ran and sat down.
Rudolf and Axel weren’t so quick to run in, though.
“But, Randy, we could help you on the ship,” Axel said.
“Naw, it’s alright. I’ve got my slaves/stalker squad working the boat for me,” Randy replied. Then he shut the door.
“Wait! Randy! Where are—never mind,” Rudolf sat down on the chair at the end. Axel dragged his feet to the middle chair.
“Isn’t this awesome?” I said. “It’s like… our own little clubhouse! Oh my God, let’s play House!”
“No,” Axel replied.
How disappointing. I sat down in my chair and tried to think of something else to do. Suddenly a light bulb appeared over my head! Or was it a candle…
“How about we play…”
“No.”
What party poopers I had gotten stuck in a tiny room with. Why couldn’t I have gotten stuck in a room with… Ben Stiller or something. HE’D want to play House.
We sat in the room for a few hours doing nothing. This reminded me of life on the dingy, which I had recently named the S.S. McNuggit. I wish someone would make a brouhaha so I could be entertained.
Finally, the door opened. Axel stood up. “Randy?” he said. “We would like to come out of the cell now.”
“I don’t have the authority to let you do that,” Bailey said. He put in three plates of chicken fajitas in. My mouth watered. At least they’re feeding us well on this stupid ship.
But Rudolf wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pushed Bailey out of the way. Axel followed, but knocked Bailey out in the process. I also left, but I made sure to pick up all the plates. I dumped two of the fajitas in my pockets for later, then I stepped over the unconscious Bailey.
“Gee, Axel, that wasn’t nice,” I said, while simultaneously chowing down on fajitas. “Bailey’s lying on the ground with his mouth open now.”
Axel wasn’t listening. He was banging on the door he had seen Randy come out of earlier that day. Finally, he threw himself against the door and it fell down. I laughed, and stuck my hand in my pocket to get more fajitas.
“OW!” I cried. “Hot pocket! Hot pocket!”
But what I saw in the doorway made my mouth water.
“Rum,” I droned.
And I don’t really remember what happened after that. There was some drinking of rum and then I think Rudolf, Axel, and I flopped over the side of the boat. Then it was just cold, so I went to sleep.
I woke up a day later. Rudolf, Axel, and I were lying in a little cave and there was water for as far as the eye could see outside. I stood up. I had a headache.
“I’m ALIVE!” I called. “And hungry.” I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out a bit of fajita.
“You have food?” Axel asked. Rudolf got up and they started asking for some fajitas.
“Hey, hey, HEY,” I said. “If you want some food, you have to grovel.”
Axel looked at me like that was the dumbest thing in the world, but Rudolf was already down on his knees, bowing over and over. He was probably used to doing this.
“Good,” I said. I tossed him a bit of fajita. He ate it up like a dog.
Loser.
Axel rolled his eyes and got down on his knees. “Please, O Birger, spare me some… fajita,” he said.
I smiled and tossed him a bit of fajita.
I decided to see where we were.
But I can’t swim, so that was kind of hard.
I sat and waited for a few hours and finally, some dolphins showed up.
I had a great idea.
“Let’s ride the dolphins to safety!” I said triumphantly. This was the best idea I’d ever had. It was going to save all of us.
“Birger, I would like to put this politely, but that is the dumbest idea you have ever had, and you’ve had some pretty dumb ideas,” Axel told me.
“I don’t know. Remember that thing with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?” Rudolf asked.
“That would’ve have cured small pox if you’d have let me tried it!” I replied.
They had no faith in me. It made me sad. But I was not about to give up on my ideas! I jumped on the back of a dolphin and it started cackling and rolling around in the water.
“Whoa! Whoa boy!” I cried. He started swimming and it turned out that right on the other side of the cave that had no exit. I jumped off and a wave sent me hurtling onto the beach. I landed on my face.
I ripped my head out of the ground and looked around. This looked like the beach that the Kalmar Nyckel had taken off from!
“Oh, great. I’m- I’m- I’m home,” I said, putting the accent on the home part and making a face. “I hate home. I’m not going back to my house ever, ever, ever.
But I had to tell the others. I crawled up on top of the cave and yelled down in a tiny hole. “Hey! Guess what! WE’RE IN SWEDEN!”
I looked back and there was a woman on the beach. “Drunk bum,” she muttered.
Axel and Rudolf looked up.
“Where are you?” they called.
“I crawled on top of these rocks and saw a hole and you were down under the rocks that we thought were a cave. You should’ve gotten on the dolphin!”
They looked at each other and muttered something about a lucky loser and then shrugged.
“I’ll make a rope out of seaweed!” I yelled.
What? When you live on the open sea, you need to learn how to make things. Not how to read, how to make things.
I sent the rope down and they asked me how the heck they were supposed to fit through that hole. I told them they had a good point and through it down in front of the cave thing. Rudolf came up first.
“For a starving homeless kid, you weigh a ton,” I complained. Rudolf looked at me angrily.
I lay down on the rocks and panted dramatically as Rudolf pulled up Axel. Showoff.
We all staggered onto the beach. Rudolf immediately dropped down into the muddy sand and rolled around like a pig. I’m glad I’m not homeless.
Axel looked around. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the beach that the Kalmar Nyckel started on her maiden voyage from! I took a walk here before we left… oh look! There’s the port!” He started walking towards it.
“Let’s meet back here in three days!” he called. “I got a bone to pick with an ex-friend of mine!”
Rudolf stopped rolling around. “Yeah! And I’ve got a drive that I’ve never had before! I’m going to find my dad and tell him how much I hate him!”
I sighed. “I’m going to go to my family’s farm and eat some pie,” I said. Oh well. I’d been craving some pie for the past few years. You can’t find the right kind of pie in Rocks.
According to Axel
Axel had been wandering for a few hours. It had been so long since he had wandered these streets, so long since he had seen the mansion he used to call his home. Now, his old friend called it his home. His ex-friend… Fingal.
The very mention of the name would make Axel spit. This man had been his friend when Axel said he was poor, but as soon as he heard he was rich, Fingal had stolen all the money. Now Axel was a poor sailor that had no home. He was going to hit this man where it hurt. Not the wallet… the face.
Although, if he had thought hard enough about it, he probably could’ve hit him in the wallet too…
There was no time for that. That would take weeks, and they were planning on leaving Sweden in three days. He walked up to the mansion and knocked on the door.
The butler answered. Axel’s old butler.
“I’m sorry sir, but if you wish for an audience with Sir Fingal, you’ll have to come back with suitable clothes.”
Axel suddenly realized what he was wearing. He was basically dressed in rags. He was what you might call… riffraff.
“Ferdinand, it’s me. Axel,” he said.
Ferdinand looked for a second. Then he fainted.
Axel stepped over Ferdinand and ran up the stairs. He burst in through a door and saw Fingal sitting there… with Axel’s mother. They were conversing and calling each other “dumpling.” Axel wanted to puke.
“You married my mom?!” Axel screamed.
“Oh, sweet heart! It’s you!” Axel’s mother said. “I’ve missed you. Oh, and did I tell you? Your father died, so I married Fingal here. I was sure you wouldn’t mind, what with you being such good friends and all.”
I stood there for a second and then looked at Fingal. Then I picked him up and threw him over the side of the balcony. It was incredibly satisfying.
I looked at my mother, who sat there, unfazed, drinking her tea. I panted for a second.
“That’s how I roll,” I said. And then I went up to my room.
According to Rudolf:
Rudolf thought hard. He had found his favorite mud hole in all of Sweden, but he still had no clue as to where his father might be. He thought hard… and finally remembered something his mom had said about her father.
“The drunk loser spent his whole life in that pub, the Overflowing Pint,” she had said.
Luckily enough, the Overflowing Pint was right down the street from Rudolf’s mud hole. Rudolf stood up and walked down the street.
He stood in front of the building, looking up at the sign. Rudolf gathered his courage and opened up the door. He was hoping for a grand entrance, but no one looked over.
Rudolf strode over to the counter.
“Can I help y… do I know you, son?” the bartender asked.
“No, but you knew my father. Can you tell me where I could find him?” Rudolf asked.
He nodded towards the back door.
“Poor guy’s back there,” he said.
Rudolf wondered what he meant by that. Other than the fact that his dad was back there.
He went out the backdoor and there was a small patch of grass and a trash heap. Rudolf kicked the grass, annoyed that his father wasn’t there. But then he saw a small rock. He picked it up and written on it in some strange ink was “Here lies Sylvester Somethin or other. He was always too drunk to remember his last name. R.I.P.”
Rudolf was annoyed that he couldn’t tell his father how ticked he was, so he dropped the rock and stomped on it.
It was incredibly satisfying.
“That’s how I roll,” Rudolf said, and he walked out of the Overflowing Pint forever.
Back to Birger…
I spent a few hours walking back to my family’s farm. When I got there, I hesitated before knocking on the door. But I decided, what the hey, if I didn’t knock, I wouldn’t get pie, so I knocked.
My mother opened the door and looked out over the thresh hold.
“I don’t vote, I don’t want any raffle tickets, and I hate whales,” she said. She looked me up and down. “Hmmm… you look familiar. Have you tried to mooch off of me before?”
“Mom! I am flabbergasted! It’s me, Birger!”
She thought for a second. “Oh! Birger! Welcome home, sweetie!” She opened up the door and let me in.
“Let’s get you a change of clothes,” she said. “You look like a hobo. What’ve you been doing for the past few years? You were in politics, weren’t you?”
“No, mom, I sailed to the New World and got kicked off of it and then got stuck on a desert island with a few friends wand was then kidnapped by a zombie of my BFF but it turned out he was alive and then we found some rum and fell off the ship and then we landed in a cave and dolphins saved us and then Axel made me come see you guys.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s really interesting,” she said. “Oh yes, and a friend dropped by earlier to see if you were here, but I told him you had been eaten by wolves, cause I couldn’t remember what really happened.”
“What was his name?”
“Randy.”
I jumped for joy! RANDY! “He’s my BFF! Did he tell you where he was staying?”
A rock flew through the window. Written on it was “The Overflowing Pint Inn.”
I looked at my mom.
“I’m going to the Overflowing Pint Inn!” I said.
“Alright. Well, it was nice seeing you after all these years,” my mom said. “Oh, and here’s a change of clothes. If anyone asks, you’re not related to me.”
I nodded and took the clothes. I changed behind a tree in the front yard. A squirrel looked down at me and died.
“Oh, shut up,” I muttered, but it was kind of useless, because the poor little thing would never squeak again. I found a box and buried it before I left for the Overflowing Pint Inn.
I threw open the doors of the Inn and said, “Randy! I’m here! It’s me! Birger! Your BFF!”
I looked around. An old woman was the only person in the shop, and she was looking at some teabags.
“Oops, sorry. Wrong shop,” I said. I walked out of the store and to the one next door.
“It’s me! Birger!” I shouted as I threw open the doors. Everyone looked at me, shook their head, and got back to their beer. Alcoholics. You can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. Well, maybe you could live without ‘em.
I headed up to the bartender and slapped my hand down on the counter. He looked up at me.
“I want information on the whereabouts of Randy,” I said.
“Randy? We got about five of ‘em living up in the rooms. Which one do you want?”
Randy had a last name?
“Randy,” I replied confidently.
He shook his head and said, “There’s one in each room between Room 7 and Room 12. Good luck.” He nodded over towards the stairs in the corner.
I walked over to the stairs and started heading upwards. I knocked on the first door.
“Hello?!” I called in. “Randy?”
“Yeah, what?!” I heard some guy scream.
“It’s me! Birger!”
“Who?”
That wasn’t Randy. I headed to the next door.
“Randy? It’s me, Birger!” I called.
No answer.
That wasn’t Randy either.
Next door. “Randy!” I shouted.
A guy opened the door.
His head went up to about my waste.
“Oh, um, sorry. I was looking for a non-midget,” I said politely. He scowled and slammed the door.
I knocked on the next door and heard a familiar sinister voice. It was Randy!
“Randy!” I called. “It’s me! Birger!”
He opened the door and peered out.
“Where are you staying, Birger?” he asked.
“Well, I’ve been lying around in the sand on the beach lately, but I visited my mom today,” I replied. “But now, I’ve got to meet Axel and Rudolf down at the beach tonight.”
He nodded and slammed the door. I shrugged and figured he was probably still in his pajamas, so I waited for a few minutes for him to open the door again.
Nothing.
“Well, I’ll see you at the beach!” I called.
“Leave!” he snarled.
“Okay!” I replied cheerfully. And I started my long treck back to the beach.
Well, not much has changed since my last entry. At least not for me. But my friends, wow! Have THEY got some stories to tell!
Sincerely, Birger. An unemployed loser with some cool friends.
Part 3... The Desert Island of McNugget
Birger is now in the middle of an ocean with three guys and a dingy. It's hard to screw things up when you're thousands of miles from anything, but somehow, Birger manages to. So, let's read on! If you dare...
My name is Birger… Part III: The Desert Island of McNuggit
Unfortunately... it’s been years since I’ve written (even though I can’t read or write. This diary is in spirit.) But since I’ve written, the following has happened:
1.) Some fat guy came and tried to govern us.
2.) He was all rich so we burned down his house.
3.) Then our land was taken by the Dutch.
4.) We took it back.
5.) And now, they have like, 700 troops and 300 ships. We have like, seven hundred people. This isn’t gonna work out.
“So what are we going to do now?!” Axel cried. He was looking pretty stressed. “The Dutch have taken over… we need to leave and go back to Sweden?”
“Why don’t we stay?” Rudolf suggested.
“Isn’t that just like a homeless idiot to suggest that?!” Randy spat. Rudolf looked at him angrily.
“Well, at least I’m not a stalker!” Rudolf replied.
Randy? A stalker?! Ha! What an imagination. Being homeless really does things to your brain. Like make you stupid and totally oblivious to the outside world.
“I’ve got an idea! It’s way out of sight! Why don’t we build a dingy or two and sail out into the open ocean with no food and no provisions!” I said. I looked around, excited to see their reaction.
“Birger, that’s a terrible idea!” Axel replied. “We’d die after a few days!”
I hunched over grumpily. “It was just an idea,” I grumbled.
“But maybe if we brought food…” Rudolf said.
“Rudolf!” Axel shouted. “What would we do when we we’re on the open sea and have no food left?”
“Axel, there comes a time in every friendship when you say, ‘I need you to do this with me.’ Will you, Axel, do this with me?” I said.
Randy looked around. He was getting a creepy grin on his face. I could almost read his thoughts. Because he painted them to his forehead. The words said, I am stalking Birger. But that’s just silly! No one stalks me!
Axel looked sort of creeped out. “Um… well, I don’t want to live under the Dutch…” he said. “Maybe we’ll find an island or something…”
“You just bought a load of poo from a guy you found grubbing in the mud in the middle of a city street!” I told Axel.
Axel looked at me, clearly annoyed at my insight. Well, I didn’t see why. I wasn’t’ even finished talking.
“And for that, Axel… I salute you,” I finished.
Randy stood next to me. “I call the boat with Birger!” he said.
This guy was always finding an excuse to be near me. But he never wanted to play “house” with me when I asked! He had one weird idea of what BFFs are supposed to be. They’re supposed to play together.
“You’re my BFF, Randy,” I said happily.
“Stay away,” he said meanly.
I laughed. “You’re silly!”
We got lots of food and we built a little dingy that had just enough room for all of us. It was the smartest plan I’ve ever heard of. Randy shoved me over so he could sit next to me. I think he wanted to play squish the lemon.
I shoved back.
“Whadja do that for?!” he said sorely.
“We’re playing!” I laughed.
He shoved back. I shoved. He shoved back. I shoved. He shoved really, really hard. I toppled over the side of the dingy and into the water.
“Help!” I screamed. “I can’t swim!”
Rudolf looked at me like I was the dumbest guy in the world. “The water’s three inches deep,” he said like it was totally obvious.
I looked around and realized that only my bottom was wet. “Oh,” I said chipperly. I got back in the boat and the water seeped into my pants.
“Yick,” I said. “Look at my pants!” I said to Randy.
He turned his head so that he couldn’t see me.
Axel heaved us into the ocean and we all sat in the boat. It was just like playing house! “I’ll be the Mommy, Randy can be the Daddy, Axel can be the little brother, and Rudolf can be the big sister,” I instructed.
Everyone looked at me like I was nuts.
“Excuse me?” Axel said.
“We’re playing house. Duh,” I said.
“No. We’re not,” Axel replied. We all sat in the boat.
For a couple of days. With no playing house. It was the most boring week of my life, even more boring than the days on the Kalmar Nyckel. Although, those days were full of murder, brouhahas, giant worms, drunk sailors, and bad funerals, so I guess that’s not the best comparison.
We were running out of food. Plus it really stank when it rained because although we got food, we also got soaked through and through. We didn’t have a head so everyone had to turn around while someone else went over the side. It was really gross, but the heads were grosser. Rudolf was supposed to clean those on the ship, but he never did. He was a bad head cleaner.
We ran out of food, eventually. I spent most of the day lying down whining, “We’re deaddddddddddd! We’re deadddddd! We totally died!”
Randy thought I was the most annoying guy in the world, but we’re still BFFs. BFFs love each other no matter what.
Finally, near the end of the day we ran out of food, Rudolf let out a girly scream. “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Where?” Axel cried, craning his neck to try and find it.
“Um, we’re sitting on it. We have been for like hours, but I got sick of waiting for you guys to notice,” Rudolf said.
Randy’s face got eviler than usual. “We’ve been on land for hours and I’ve been sitting in this tiny boat with the farmer that takes up three fourths of the seat!” he said calmly… but he was angry. I could tell. BFFs can tell that about each other. We have a sort of BFF ESP.
We got out of the boat and started kissing the sand. I got a bunch of sand in my mouth and I ran around, clutching my stomach, and I finally realized that I could spit it out. Unfortunately, when I realized that, Rudolf was lying beneath me.
“DUDE!” Rudolf screamed. “You spat sand out on my head! I only take two baths a year! I need to stay as clean as possible.”
“That didn’t stop you when you were grubbing in the mud that day I was buying chickenfeed,” I said dreamily. That day had been the day my life took a turn for the best. I met my BFF Randy through that day. I got my job on a tiny ship with a smelly head that day! I got kicked out of my family and never saw them again that day! That day was the best day of my life!
I looked around. It wasn’t exactly what you’d call a desert island, except for the fact that there was a beach that was full of sand… I wanted to name the place before anyone else could name it. “I hereby declare this land named… McNuggit!” I cried.
Everyone else was too busy yucking it up with the dirt to notice.
Except Axel, who looked up. He had sand dribbled all down his chin and looked like Rudolf had when they first found him.
“You named it McNuggit? Preposterous!” he spluttered.
Freak.
“I hereby name this land… New New Sweden!” he cried.
Fuh-reak!
“And I named it as soon as we got out of the dingy, so my name should be the one that is chosen!” he said.
Rudolf spat out the dirt. He was covered in it. It looks like he’s finally been reunited with his natural habitat.
“Well, I named it as soon as I saw it, so it should be named my name!” he said. “Let’s call it… Utopia!”
“Why don’t we name it Muddy Homeless Person World while we’re at it?!” Randy chided. “It will be called Stalker Squad Headquarters.”
None of those are as good as McNuggit. Not even close.
So we all decided that our name was the name that McNuggit had. But we all knew that McNuggit was the real one.
A few days later, we had all built log houses out of palm trees. They were so much better than the log cabins we had in Rocks. Plus I wove a carpet out of stringy grass and so it was so much more like home. We had made a little dirt road and put all our houses next to it. Randy’s was right next to mine. We are such close friends; he can’t bear to be all the way across the street.
Living on McNuggit was all fine and dandy… until one day Bailey, Clifford, Edward Jones, D.J. Owens, Nelson, and Selma showed up on the beach. They were all wet and hungry and Randy made us give them a lot of our food.
One night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find all of them sitting around me. “Raaaandy,” Nelson was whining. “I want to go back to Sweden. The Stalker Squad Headquarters are laaame.”
“McNuggit,” I corrected him.
Nelson looked panicked. Randy was calm.
“Go to sleep, Birger. You’re dreaming,” he said.
“Okay,” I replied. Then I went to sleep.
I woke up on a ship. It was made out of palm trees and there was no land in sight. I woke up and ran to the side.
“MCNUGGIT!” I screamed. “You were so young!”
I looked back and saw that Rudolf and Axel were lying on the floor where I had been laying. Rudolf was sucking his thumb. Axel had his arms crossed like a mummy. They looked weird.
“Guys! Get up!” I shouted. “McNuggit’s gone!”
Axel woke up. He ran to the edge of the ship and screamed, “New New Sweden! It’s- it’s… gone!”
Then the ship started rocking we fell down and Rudolf started rolling around, but the guy must have gotten used to being run over by carriages because of his nights on the street, and so rolling around on a ship wasn’t going to wake him up.
But he did wake up. He woke up and threw up over the side of the ship.
Okaaaay.
“Where are we?” he cried.
“On a ship made of palm trees,” I replied. “Hey, where’s the head?”
They ignored me.
“Randy’s missing!” Axel proclaimed. Then I noticed that Randy, was, in fact, not there. I looked around and he still wasn’t there.
I sat down, stumped. “I’m stumped,” I said. “No pun intended.”
“What pun?” they said.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
Will I ever figure out what the heck is going on? Not likely. I lost track of that when I was… I think… six?
And I’m ending the story here because… I don’t know what happens next. I went back to sleep. In my next diary, maybe I’ll write what happens.
Sincerely, Birger
A simple ex-farmer in the middle of an ocean.
My name is Birger… Part III: The Desert Island of McNuggit
Unfortunately... it’s been years since I’ve written (even though I can’t read or write. This diary is in spirit.) But since I’ve written, the following has happened:
1.) Some fat guy came and tried to govern us.
2.) He was all rich so we burned down his house.
3.) Then our land was taken by the Dutch.
4.) We took it back.
5.) And now, they have like, 700 troops and 300 ships. We have like, seven hundred people. This isn’t gonna work out.
“So what are we going to do now?!” Axel cried. He was looking pretty stressed. “The Dutch have taken over… we need to leave and go back to Sweden?”
“Why don’t we stay?” Rudolf suggested.
“Isn’t that just like a homeless idiot to suggest that?!” Randy spat. Rudolf looked at him angrily.
“Well, at least I’m not a stalker!” Rudolf replied.
Randy? A stalker?! Ha! What an imagination. Being homeless really does things to your brain. Like make you stupid and totally oblivious to the outside world.
“I’ve got an idea! It’s way out of sight! Why don’t we build a dingy or two and sail out into the open ocean with no food and no provisions!” I said. I looked around, excited to see their reaction.
“Birger, that’s a terrible idea!” Axel replied. “We’d die after a few days!”
I hunched over grumpily. “It was just an idea,” I grumbled.
“But maybe if we brought food…” Rudolf said.
“Rudolf!” Axel shouted. “What would we do when we we’re on the open sea and have no food left?”
“Axel, there comes a time in every friendship when you say, ‘I need you to do this with me.’ Will you, Axel, do this with me?” I said.
Randy looked around. He was getting a creepy grin on his face. I could almost read his thoughts. Because he painted them to his forehead. The words said, I am stalking Birger. But that’s just silly! No one stalks me!
Axel looked sort of creeped out. “Um… well, I don’t want to live under the Dutch…” he said. “Maybe we’ll find an island or something…”
“You just bought a load of poo from a guy you found grubbing in the mud in the middle of a city street!” I told Axel.
Axel looked at me, clearly annoyed at my insight. Well, I didn’t see why. I wasn’t’ even finished talking.
“And for that, Axel… I salute you,” I finished.
Randy stood next to me. “I call the boat with Birger!” he said.
This guy was always finding an excuse to be near me. But he never wanted to play “house” with me when I asked! He had one weird idea of what BFFs are supposed to be. They’re supposed to play together.
“You’re my BFF, Randy,” I said happily.
“Stay away,” he said meanly.
I laughed. “You’re silly!”
We got lots of food and we built a little dingy that had just enough room for all of us. It was the smartest plan I’ve ever heard of. Randy shoved me over so he could sit next to me. I think he wanted to play squish the lemon.
I shoved back.
“Whadja do that for?!” he said sorely.
“We’re playing!” I laughed.
He shoved back. I shoved. He shoved back. I shoved. He shoved really, really hard. I toppled over the side of the dingy and into the water.
“Help!” I screamed. “I can’t swim!”
Rudolf looked at me like I was the dumbest guy in the world. “The water’s three inches deep,” he said like it was totally obvious.
I looked around and realized that only my bottom was wet. “Oh,” I said chipperly. I got back in the boat and the water seeped into my pants.
“Yick,” I said. “Look at my pants!” I said to Randy.
He turned his head so that he couldn’t see me.
Axel heaved us into the ocean and we all sat in the boat. It was just like playing house! “I’ll be the Mommy, Randy can be the Daddy, Axel can be the little brother, and Rudolf can be the big sister,” I instructed.
Everyone looked at me like I was nuts.
“Excuse me?” Axel said.
“We’re playing house. Duh,” I said.
“No. We’re not,” Axel replied. We all sat in the boat.
For a couple of days. With no playing house. It was the most boring week of my life, even more boring than the days on the Kalmar Nyckel. Although, those days were full of murder, brouhahas, giant worms, drunk sailors, and bad funerals, so I guess that’s not the best comparison.
We were running out of food. Plus it really stank when it rained because although we got food, we also got soaked through and through. We didn’t have a head so everyone had to turn around while someone else went over the side. It was really gross, but the heads were grosser. Rudolf was supposed to clean those on the ship, but he never did. He was a bad head cleaner.
We ran out of food, eventually. I spent most of the day lying down whining, “We’re deaddddddddddd! We’re deadddddd! We totally died!”
Randy thought I was the most annoying guy in the world, but we’re still BFFs. BFFs love each other no matter what.
Finally, near the end of the day we ran out of food, Rudolf let out a girly scream. “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Where?” Axel cried, craning his neck to try and find it.
“Um, we’re sitting on it. We have been for like hours, but I got sick of waiting for you guys to notice,” Rudolf said.
Randy’s face got eviler than usual. “We’ve been on land for hours and I’ve been sitting in this tiny boat with the farmer that takes up three fourths of the seat!” he said calmly… but he was angry. I could tell. BFFs can tell that about each other. We have a sort of BFF ESP.
We got out of the boat and started kissing the sand. I got a bunch of sand in my mouth and I ran around, clutching my stomach, and I finally realized that I could spit it out. Unfortunately, when I realized that, Rudolf was lying beneath me.
“DUDE!” Rudolf screamed. “You spat sand out on my head! I only take two baths a year! I need to stay as clean as possible.”
“That didn’t stop you when you were grubbing in the mud that day I was buying chickenfeed,” I said dreamily. That day had been the day my life took a turn for the best. I met my BFF Randy through that day. I got my job on a tiny ship with a smelly head that day! I got kicked out of my family and never saw them again that day! That day was the best day of my life!
I looked around. It wasn’t exactly what you’d call a desert island, except for the fact that there was a beach that was full of sand… I wanted to name the place before anyone else could name it. “I hereby declare this land named… McNuggit!” I cried.
Everyone else was too busy yucking it up with the dirt to notice.
Except Axel, who looked up. He had sand dribbled all down his chin and looked like Rudolf had when they first found him.
“You named it McNuggit? Preposterous!” he spluttered.
Freak.
“I hereby name this land… New New Sweden!” he cried.
Fuh-reak!
“And I named it as soon as we got out of the dingy, so my name should be the one that is chosen!” he said.
Rudolf spat out the dirt. He was covered in it. It looks like he’s finally been reunited with his natural habitat.
“Well, I named it as soon as I saw it, so it should be named my name!” he said. “Let’s call it… Utopia!”
“Why don’t we name it Muddy Homeless Person World while we’re at it?!” Randy chided. “It will be called Stalker Squad Headquarters.”
None of those are as good as McNuggit. Not even close.
So we all decided that our name was the name that McNuggit had. But we all knew that McNuggit was the real one.
A few days later, we had all built log houses out of palm trees. They were so much better than the log cabins we had in Rocks. Plus I wove a carpet out of stringy grass and so it was so much more like home. We had made a little dirt road and put all our houses next to it. Randy’s was right next to mine. We are such close friends; he can’t bear to be all the way across the street.
Living on McNuggit was all fine and dandy… until one day Bailey, Clifford, Edward Jones, D.J. Owens, Nelson, and Selma showed up on the beach. They were all wet and hungry and Randy made us give them a lot of our food.
One night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find all of them sitting around me. “Raaaandy,” Nelson was whining. “I want to go back to Sweden. The Stalker Squad Headquarters are laaame.”
“McNuggit,” I corrected him.
Nelson looked panicked. Randy was calm.
“Go to sleep, Birger. You’re dreaming,” he said.
“Okay,” I replied. Then I went to sleep.
I woke up on a ship. It was made out of palm trees and there was no land in sight. I woke up and ran to the side.
“MCNUGGIT!” I screamed. “You were so young!”
I looked back and saw that Rudolf and Axel were lying on the floor where I had been laying. Rudolf was sucking his thumb. Axel had his arms crossed like a mummy. They looked weird.
“Guys! Get up!” I shouted. “McNuggit’s gone!”
Axel woke up. He ran to the edge of the ship and screamed, “New New Sweden! It’s- it’s… gone!”
Then the ship started rocking we fell down and Rudolf started rolling around, but the guy must have gotten used to being run over by carriages because of his nights on the street, and so rolling around on a ship wasn’t going to wake him up.
But he did wake up. He woke up and threw up over the side of the ship.
Okaaaay.
“Where are we?” he cried.
“On a ship made of palm trees,” I replied. “Hey, where’s the head?”
They ignored me.
“Randy’s missing!” Axel proclaimed. Then I noticed that Randy, was, in fact, not there. I looked around and he still wasn’t there.
I sat down, stumped. “I’m stumped,” I said. “No pun intended.”
“What pun?” they said.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
Will I ever figure out what the heck is going on? Not likely. I lost track of that when I was… I think… six?
And I’m ending the story here because… I don’t know what happens next. I went back to sleep. In my next diary, maybe I’ll write what happens.
Sincerely, Birger
A simple ex-farmer in the middle of an ocean.
Part 2... The New World
Birger has finally reached the new world! How will he screw things up in the Americas? We will soon find out...
My Name is Birger… Part II: The New World
Where did I leave off? Oh, yes. My company and I had just reached the New World. I was in a small boat headed for the mainland with two other men: Randy and Toefill. I was always with Randy. I could never figure out why.
Our little boat reached the land. The other little boats were starting to reach the land when I heard a wild whoop. I had only heard that kind of whoop once… it was when a crewmate of mine, Filip, had gone insane and jumped overboard thinking he could swim. He couldn’t. Anyway, I saw Toefill run into the forest.
I never saw the poor guy again.
Axel had brought plans to build Fort Christina. I must admit, it doesn’t look anything like her. It’s shaped like a diamond. Sort of weird, I know, but I didn’t make the plans! I was just expected to work in the field!
Unfortunately, I’ve got to build 24/7 now, because or crops germinated (whatever that means) on the voyage and so I’m pretty much unemployed. Oh well. At least I’m not stupid Birger the Farmhand! I’m Stupid Birger the Unemployed!
I have a log cabin. My own log cabin! I am so excited. I’ve been trying to make it homier, but I don’t really have many possessions since my sea chest was so small. I wish I could have had the brains to bring some curtains, because for some reason, Randy’s cabin is next to mine and he’s sort of creepy. I see him in his window just staring at me sometimes.
During one of my few breaks, I decided to take a stroll in the woods. It was refreshing, and for once, I didn’t have the creepy feeling that someone was following me. I liked the pretty trees here. I looked down and I saw a small stone-looking thingy. It was broken. I bent down to pick it up. It was a broken knife, I think. Useless. I tossed it back down on the ground and left it there. Piece of junk.
Life was getting boring just building Fort Christina, and since our crops germinated (Germinator!), we were running short on supplies. Axel was going to trade with the Lenape. He’s smart. He has learned to speak the Lenape language.
I went up to him. “Axel!” I whined. “Can I speak with you at the trade with the Lenape? I can speak their language pretty well now!”
I lied.
“Really?” For some reason, Axel seemed surprised that I had learned something.
“Sure!” I replied. “I can say anything! And I know all about trade!”
I lied again.
“Like what?” Axel asked.
I racked my brain. I knew nothing about trade.
“Um… well, I guess we obviously trade clothes and food…” I said, trying to think of things I had been made to give up to the trade.
“Oh, well, we’re running out of time. Let’s get going!” Axel said. He lead me through the forest and I came to a Lenape camp. It was really cool. There were like… houses and stuff. But they were cool houses. And people had face paint on. I put some berry juice on my face once, but my mom yelled at me. That was the end of that.
Axel told me he was going to talk with a man over there about the trade of copper tools. He told me to talk about getting some beaver pelts with a man over here. I had no clue how to speak the Lenape language, but how hard could it be.
The man said something and raised his hand.
I repeated it and raised my hand.
“Er, uh, wakishaki. Beaver pelts. Goomiwoomi. Yog. Der. Schmoo. Lincoln logs. Frimfram. Meebie. Weebie. Kevin Federline. Mcmuffin. Beaver pelts? Yeah?”
They looked at me and shook their heads. Then they called over Axel and said something to him in a language I couldn’t understand.
“You can’t speak the language? Come on, Birger!” Axel complained. “Go back to the fort. I’ll handle the trade.”
I walked back sullenly. So I couldn’t speak the language! I was bored! I headed back to the Fort and heard Rudolf telling Alf how much land we had.
“We made a treaty with the Lenape, and we get all the land from the South River to the Schylkill! I’m telling you, these Lenape Indians are a generous people!”
If they were so generous, why hadn’t they given me the chance to learn the language! Phooey on them.
I headed back to my cabin and sat by myself with my arms crossed. Everyone was so mean! I heard a creak in the floor boards and looked around. I could have sworn I saw Randy, but it was probably just my imagination.
I saw Axel outside.
“Did the trade go okay?” I said angrily.
“Fine. They gave us some beans, corn, and squash along with some beaver pelts when we gave them some copper tools,” Axel replied, not sensing my tone of voice.
I looked on and saw some Indians heading towards our fort. They were dragging a body. It looked like Sverker.
Axel went up to them and listened to them speak. He waved them off and took Sverker’s body to camp.
“The Minquis mistook him for a dear and shot him,” he said gloomily.
“Oh! OH! Can I speak at the funeral?” I asked.
“Fine, Birger.”
Earlier, we had found Toefill’s body lying in a hammock in the forest with a daisy chain on his head. I spoke at that service, but it wasn’t so successful.
“Sverker. You must have one athletic bod if the Minquis mistake you for a dear!” I joked. No one laughed. “Okay then… well, rest in peace, I guess.”
I stepped down.
Everyone was depressed. We couldn’t get through the year without killing someone. But then Rudolf had the perfect solution.
“PARTY AT MY PLACE!” he called. “But don’t tell Axel!”
No duh! He would crash it.
I was having fun. Except every time I turned around, Randy was there. So? I was having a good time. No one could spoil this party!
Except Axel. He stepped in through the door and everyone stopped talking.
“Uh, guys? You’re supposed to be working right now!” he said.
We shuffled out the door and I stuck my tongue when Axel wasn’t looking. “Party pooper,” I muttered. I think he heard me.
“Yeah, I hope you did hear me!” I said.
“What?” he said.
“Never mind…”
I went home and got into bed. I was still annoyed about the party being interrupted. I got into bed and heard some creepy noises. I’m starting to think my log cabin is haunted.
I opened my eyes and looked around.
“You’re a disgrace to the Stalker Squad!” Randy was saying to D.J. Owens.
“Um, I’m sorry. I thought the party was over,” I said.
They all looked at me creepily. “Go to sleep, Birger. This is a dream.”
“Oh. Okay,” I said. That’s good. I was starting to think that Randy was stalking me! What a strange accusation that would be! It’s crazy what Rocks (that was what we had started to call the New World) will do to you!
The next morning, I was working on counting up the beaver pelts. I could never get past three because I would hear my fellow colonists complaining (Also, I don’t know what comes after three.)
“I had no choice! I had to come to Rocks!” Alf was complaining. “If I had the choice, I would still be in Sweden, waiting to get out of jail!”
I gasped. “Alf! A jailbird? One of my fellow farmers would rather be in jail than be in the fabulous New World of Rocks? For shame!”
They all looked at me and turned their stools so that they couldn’t see my face. Oh well. I suppose they were embarrassed that I had heard their complaints.
Since I have no job being a farmer, I have to do bits and bobs of other stuff. Like the other day I was helping build more of Fort Christina and today I have to work with the trade with the Minquis and Lenape (although I still haven’t learned their language, a ton of other people have). We have a ton of beaver pelts and we get a ton of what they call the Three Sisters. They just look like some funky veggies to me, but at least it’s food! We have to give away a lot of our clothes, so I’ve been wearing these hick clothes for the past three weeks. I am starting to offend people with my smell, but I had a bath three months ago, so I don’t see what the problems are.
“Birger! Go away! You’re melting my nose off!” Rudolf said meanly.
My eyes started tearing up. “For a muddy homeless loser, you sure don’t know how to respect your farmers!”” I said angrily. I turned around and ran into the woods. I hope Axel crashes a ton of his future parties.
In the woods, I heard lots of leaves crunching up behind me. I turned around… and there was Randy! Boy, for a mute officer, he sure gets around!
“Randy?” I said.
He seemed to register that I was looking at him and he hid behind a tree. After a few minutes, he still didn’t come out, so I assumed he was gone. But a few seconds later, I whirled around. There he was! Then he hid behind a tree.
“Okay. Bye Randy!” I called.
I strolled along, back to the fort. Axel was writing a letter to Queen Christina. He looked pretty stressed out.
“Whassup!” I said.
“Please don’t do that. I’m trying to write this letter convincing Christina to let us stay in the New World for another year. But we didn’t churn out much profit, so I don’t know what to write!”
I thought for a second. “Well, there was no drunkenness, like there was on the ship! Whoo! Yeah, no alcoholism this year, not even one beer brawl! No one got thrown overboard or shot to death because of drunken people!”
Axel sighed. “Thanks, Birger, but I decided it was best not to tell Christina about the six deaths which the majority of were because of alcohol. I don’t even know how you people got intoxicated by such small rations! It just doesn’t happen!”
“Whatever!” I replied and walked back to the fort.
I suppose the year is up, and thus I must bid you adieu… forever. Because by the next American diary, I am going to be loooong gone.
Sincerely, Birger. I had fun telling you what happened, and I think I might have climbed the social ladder a bit, like maybe half a notch. And all I have to say is… time well spent! Yay! Thank you. And goodnight.
But never mind. I love this soooo much, that I am going to continue my adventures, but no, they are not going to be based on fact.
At all.
Sincerely, Birger
A simple Unemployed guy trying to make it big in the new world. And failing.
My Name is Birger… Part II: The New World
Where did I leave off? Oh, yes. My company and I had just reached the New World. I was in a small boat headed for the mainland with two other men: Randy and Toefill. I was always with Randy. I could never figure out why.
Our little boat reached the land. The other little boats were starting to reach the land when I heard a wild whoop. I had only heard that kind of whoop once… it was when a crewmate of mine, Filip, had gone insane and jumped overboard thinking he could swim. He couldn’t. Anyway, I saw Toefill run into the forest.
I never saw the poor guy again.
Axel had brought plans to build Fort Christina. I must admit, it doesn’t look anything like her. It’s shaped like a diamond. Sort of weird, I know, but I didn’t make the plans! I was just expected to work in the field!
Unfortunately, I’ve got to build 24/7 now, because or crops germinated (whatever that means) on the voyage and so I’m pretty much unemployed. Oh well. At least I’m not stupid Birger the Farmhand! I’m Stupid Birger the Unemployed!
I have a log cabin. My own log cabin! I am so excited. I’ve been trying to make it homier, but I don’t really have many possessions since my sea chest was so small. I wish I could have had the brains to bring some curtains, because for some reason, Randy’s cabin is next to mine and he’s sort of creepy. I see him in his window just staring at me sometimes.
During one of my few breaks, I decided to take a stroll in the woods. It was refreshing, and for once, I didn’t have the creepy feeling that someone was following me. I liked the pretty trees here. I looked down and I saw a small stone-looking thingy. It was broken. I bent down to pick it up. It was a broken knife, I think. Useless. I tossed it back down on the ground and left it there. Piece of junk.
Life was getting boring just building Fort Christina, and since our crops germinated (Germinator!), we were running short on supplies. Axel was going to trade with the Lenape. He’s smart. He has learned to speak the Lenape language.
I went up to him. “Axel!” I whined. “Can I speak with you at the trade with the Lenape? I can speak their language pretty well now!”
I lied.
“Really?” For some reason, Axel seemed surprised that I had learned something.
“Sure!” I replied. “I can say anything! And I know all about trade!”
I lied again.
“Like what?” Axel asked.
I racked my brain. I knew nothing about trade.
“Um… well, I guess we obviously trade clothes and food…” I said, trying to think of things I had been made to give up to the trade.
“Oh, well, we’re running out of time. Let’s get going!” Axel said. He lead me through the forest and I came to a Lenape camp. It was really cool. There were like… houses and stuff. But they were cool houses. And people had face paint on. I put some berry juice on my face once, but my mom yelled at me. That was the end of that.
Axel told me he was going to talk with a man over there about the trade of copper tools. He told me to talk about getting some beaver pelts with a man over here. I had no clue how to speak the Lenape language, but how hard could it be.
The man said something and raised his hand.
I repeated it and raised my hand.
“Er, uh, wakishaki. Beaver pelts. Goomiwoomi. Yog. Der. Schmoo. Lincoln logs. Frimfram. Meebie. Weebie. Kevin Federline. Mcmuffin. Beaver pelts? Yeah?”
They looked at me and shook their heads. Then they called over Axel and said something to him in a language I couldn’t understand.
“You can’t speak the language? Come on, Birger!” Axel complained. “Go back to the fort. I’ll handle the trade.”
I walked back sullenly. So I couldn’t speak the language! I was bored! I headed back to the Fort and heard Rudolf telling Alf how much land we had.
“We made a treaty with the Lenape, and we get all the land from the South River to the Schylkill! I’m telling you, these Lenape Indians are a generous people!”
If they were so generous, why hadn’t they given me the chance to learn the language! Phooey on them.
I headed back to my cabin and sat by myself with my arms crossed. Everyone was so mean! I heard a creak in the floor boards and looked around. I could have sworn I saw Randy, but it was probably just my imagination.
I saw Axel outside.
“Did the trade go okay?” I said angrily.
“Fine. They gave us some beans, corn, and squash along with some beaver pelts when we gave them some copper tools,” Axel replied, not sensing my tone of voice.
I looked on and saw some Indians heading towards our fort. They were dragging a body. It looked like Sverker.
Axel went up to them and listened to them speak. He waved them off and took Sverker’s body to camp.
“The Minquis mistook him for a dear and shot him,” he said gloomily.
“Oh! OH! Can I speak at the funeral?” I asked.
“Fine, Birger.”
Earlier, we had found Toefill’s body lying in a hammock in the forest with a daisy chain on his head. I spoke at that service, but it wasn’t so successful.
“Sverker. You must have one athletic bod if the Minquis mistake you for a dear!” I joked. No one laughed. “Okay then… well, rest in peace, I guess.”
I stepped down.
Everyone was depressed. We couldn’t get through the year without killing someone. But then Rudolf had the perfect solution.
“PARTY AT MY PLACE!” he called. “But don’t tell Axel!”
No duh! He would crash it.
I was having fun. Except every time I turned around, Randy was there. So? I was having a good time. No one could spoil this party!
Except Axel. He stepped in through the door and everyone stopped talking.
“Uh, guys? You’re supposed to be working right now!” he said.
We shuffled out the door and I stuck my tongue when Axel wasn’t looking. “Party pooper,” I muttered. I think he heard me.
“Yeah, I hope you did hear me!” I said.
“What?” he said.
“Never mind…”
I went home and got into bed. I was still annoyed about the party being interrupted. I got into bed and heard some creepy noises. I’m starting to think my log cabin is haunted.
I opened my eyes and looked around.
“You’re a disgrace to the Stalker Squad!” Randy was saying to D.J. Owens.
“Um, I’m sorry. I thought the party was over,” I said.
They all looked at me creepily. “Go to sleep, Birger. This is a dream.”
“Oh. Okay,” I said. That’s good. I was starting to think that Randy was stalking me! What a strange accusation that would be! It’s crazy what Rocks (that was what we had started to call the New World) will do to you!
The next morning, I was working on counting up the beaver pelts. I could never get past three because I would hear my fellow colonists complaining (Also, I don’t know what comes after three.)
“I had no choice! I had to come to Rocks!” Alf was complaining. “If I had the choice, I would still be in Sweden, waiting to get out of jail!”
I gasped. “Alf! A jailbird? One of my fellow farmers would rather be in jail than be in the fabulous New World of Rocks? For shame!”
They all looked at me and turned their stools so that they couldn’t see my face. Oh well. I suppose they were embarrassed that I had heard their complaints.
Since I have no job being a farmer, I have to do bits and bobs of other stuff. Like the other day I was helping build more of Fort Christina and today I have to work with the trade with the Minquis and Lenape (although I still haven’t learned their language, a ton of other people have). We have a ton of beaver pelts and we get a ton of what they call the Three Sisters. They just look like some funky veggies to me, but at least it’s food! We have to give away a lot of our clothes, so I’ve been wearing these hick clothes for the past three weeks. I am starting to offend people with my smell, but I had a bath three months ago, so I don’t see what the problems are.
“Birger! Go away! You’re melting my nose off!” Rudolf said meanly.
My eyes started tearing up. “For a muddy homeless loser, you sure don’t know how to respect your farmers!”” I said angrily. I turned around and ran into the woods. I hope Axel crashes a ton of his future parties.
In the woods, I heard lots of leaves crunching up behind me. I turned around… and there was Randy! Boy, for a mute officer, he sure gets around!
“Randy?” I said.
He seemed to register that I was looking at him and he hid behind a tree. After a few minutes, he still didn’t come out, so I assumed he was gone. But a few seconds later, I whirled around. There he was! Then he hid behind a tree.
“Okay. Bye Randy!” I called.
I strolled along, back to the fort. Axel was writing a letter to Queen Christina. He looked pretty stressed out.
“Whassup!” I said.
“Please don’t do that. I’m trying to write this letter convincing Christina to let us stay in the New World for another year. But we didn’t churn out much profit, so I don’t know what to write!”
I thought for a second. “Well, there was no drunkenness, like there was on the ship! Whoo! Yeah, no alcoholism this year, not even one beer brawl! No one got thrown overboard or shot to death because of drunken people!”
Axel sighed. “Thanks, Birger, but I decided it was best not to tell Christina about the six deaths which the majority of were because of alcohol. I don’t even know how you people got intoxicated by such small rations! It just doesn’t happen!”
“Whatever!” I replied and walked back to the fort.
I suppose the year is up, and thus I must bid you adieu… forever. Because by the next American diary, I am going to be loooong gone.
Sincerely, Birger. I had fun telling you what happened, and I think I might have climbed the social ladder a bit, like maybe half a notch. And all I have to say is… time well spent! Yay! Thank you. And goodnight.
But never mind. I love this soooo much, that I am going to continue my adventures, but no, they are not going to be based on fact.
At all.
Sincerely, Birger
A simple Unemployed guy trying to make it big in the new world. And failing.
Part 1... The Voyage
Well, I know that some people care (not), so I'm entering part 1 here.
My name is Birger… By Sofia
I was born on a farm, and we weren’t particularly rich, but we weren’t particularly poor. But being the youngest AND the best in the field, I was never educated and so there weren’t many career options for me, and illiterate farm-hand.
But I never lost hope that some day, I would rise above my current social status and/or have some sort of adventure! So that’s why I’m starting my story that day, the day that things took a turn for the best/worst.
There was a little homeless man, mucking about in the mud, and there was a wealthy looking fellow who was strolling down the street and looking smug. I was buying some chickenfeed for my family’s farm, and I couldn’t help but overhear the wealthy man… Axel, I think he was called talking to this grubby boy named Rudolf. They were talking about how Axel could give this Rudolf a better life, how Rudolf could go on a voyage to the new world. They would sail on a grand ship… called the Kermit Noggel, I think he said.
What? I had been a good person all my life. Always helped out on the farm when I was told, always helped others, and always obeyed my parents! So why was this muddy little boy getting to fulfill his dreams when he had spent his whole life thieving and grubbing in the mud?
“I WANT TO SAIL ON THE KERMIT NOGGEL!” I wailed girlishly. But then I realized what a scene I was making and tried to shield my tears. I was getting some odd stares from a man with features too devilish to describe.
The Axel fellow noticed me and came over. “You want to sail on the Kalmar Nyckel? You think you’re a worthy seaman?”
“Um… yes?” I whimpered.
“Well, you should get permission from your family, but there is space for you on our ship,” he replied.
I was overjoyed! I ran home to my parents as fast as I could and asked them if I could become a sailor. They agreed, and to tell the truth, they seemed glad to be rid of me. Strange… oh well. I didn’t dwell on it for too long, because… I was sailing on the Kermit Noggel! Goodbye, country bumpkin aura! I’m a sophisticated sailor, now!
But I did actually have to wait a bit. It took nearly a year for all the provisions to be made, and our captain Peter Minuit finally told us we could board the ship. As I entered the ship with all my belongings in my sea chest, I recognized a few faces. There was kind Axel, talking with Peter Minuit. The grubby boy was standing awkwardly by the helm, dressed slightly better but still stinking of dirty pigs. Even the man with the devilishly sly grin that had stared at me earlier was there.
We all stood in line so that Peter Minuit could inspect his crew. I stood beside a man named Engelbrckt, who had fair, fluffy hair and a prodigious girth. “Hi!” I whispered. We would later become good friends.
As he inspected us, Peter Minuit announced what we would be in the new world. Axel would be an officer, naturally, what with his impeccable taste in sailors. The indescribable man—who answered to the name Randy—was also an officer, poor decision making in my opinion. That grubby Rudolf was also an officer, which annoyed me because I was not. Engelbrckt was a farmer, and I prayed for anything but that when Peter called my name. Of course, though, I was a farmer. Because why would I get something I wanted? The thought of it!
We set sail that day, November 1st, 1637. A cold, blustery day. Bells rung and I found myself swabbing the deck until my hands became red as the rooster. Four bells later, I stood up and felt my stomach rumbling. Four hours, it had been! I was starving!
I started to go get some food when I saw Randy poking his head around the corner and staring at me. I shuffled a bit quicker away and was glad to see the cook had a large meal made for us. I started to take my fill when Axel came up to me. “Might not want to do that,” he warned. “If you’re caught taking more than the ration, you’ll be put in the hold.” I nodded and put back some stew.
“What’s the hold?” I asked.
“It’s a dark area below the deck. It gives me the willies just thinking about it!”
The next day there was a large storm and the captain took us into port. We all had much cabin fever and we were very excited to finally set sail, that cold day of December 31,1637.
Engelbrckt and I sat down together at the table and started eating our dried meats. He handed me some rum. I was somewhat taken aback, I suppose.
“Why, Engelbrckt! You know if we get caught drunk we will be put in the hold!” I said. “Don’t we have any water?”
“Yick, the water goes bad, I’ve heard. I don’t know how long it takes, but I don’t want to find any worms in my drink,” he told me. I took a small sip of the rum, wanting more but restraining myself.
Engelbrckt, however, took a long, hard swig, and another, and another. He started to act somewhat stupid and I looked around nervously. There was Randy, again, looking around the corner! He was an officer, he’d punish Engelbrckt! I tried to make Engelbrckt act sensible, but the poor bloke was too drunk to understand. Randy disappeared around the corner and came back with Peter Minuit.
“You dirty farmer!” the captain cried. “You’re drunk!”
I watched as they took Engelbrckt to the hold. I looked on sadly and then sniffed myself. It had been six months since I had a bath; I was due for another one!
Night came and I saw one of the sailors using the stars to guide him. I looked up and just saw a bunch of shiny dots, but thankfully, I wasn’t one of the sailors and didn’t have to understand the code. The sailor cast something over the side. “Forty fathoms!” he called. “No bottom!”
I had no clue what that meant, but I headed over to get some water. Beside me, one of Randy’s friends, Bailey, was drinking from his cup. He started choking and spat out the largest worm I have ever seen! It landed on his neck and nearly strangled him, but he threw it down and it slithered into… the captain’s quarters! We called together a group of people, and some distracted Peter Minuit while the others snuck into his cabin and trapped the worm. I watched as Rudolf shoved the worm in a bag and threw it over the side of the ship. I suppose you still have to do some dirty work as the captain.
A few days later, Axel remembered about Engelbrckt, God rest his soul. We went down into the hold, and a few hours later, we were all at a service for the poor man.
No one on the ship knew him, so I decided to say a few words. “I barely knew him, but even as we first met, I knew he was a good person. Why, anyone with that kind of stomach had to be some sort of culinary connoisseur! Why did the dumb man have to get so drunk? If only he hadn’t, he might still be with us! Poor, poor, drunk, starving, fat Engelbrckt. Rest in peace, my friend.”
I stepped down and got a lot of odd stares, this time not just from Randy. But I didn’t dwell on it. I sobbed as they threw his large corpse overboard. My good friend… my good friend… lost to the sea.
But he was not the only one to be lost.
That night, we were all somewhat troubled by the death of Engelbrckt. A few lumpy mattresses down from me, there was a disturbance. I heard Helmer yelp and saw him kick someone… I can’t really recall what happened after that, but I know that a few minutes later, there was brouhaha and everyone was punching and kicking.
“Come on now, violence is not the answer!” I cried. “Why once back on the farm, I was trying to beat up a chicken because it was sitting on my favorite toy, and it nearly pecked off my fingers! So let’s just talk this over…”
“Aw, do shut up!” someone yelled, and before I knew what was happening, I was punched in the eye and was kicking, yelling, scratching, punching, and biting like there was no tomorrow.
Poor decision making on my part, I know. But I was punished because I found myself lying on the ground, pretending to be unconscious so I won’t get punched anymore. My eyes closed, I heard someone enter and a few shots fired. A scream and a gasp. A BIG gasp. Then I heard a splash. I decided to go to sleep for a little bit and wake up when this was over.
I woke up a few hours later and saw Barbro lying dead on the ground and people crying for Helmer and looking mournfully over the side of the ship. I decided that this was not the best time to wake up and went back to sleep.
The next day there was a large storm and the captain took us into port. We all had much cabin fever
I was kicked awake by Randy who looked somewhat bored.
“Whadja do that for?” I asked, annoyed.
“Boredom,” he replied, and left quickly.
I got up and went to my prayers session. I had to go twice a day, and although I am a very religious man, it was getting annoying. I hadn’t had time to finish the small, wooden pipe I was trying to whittle out of rotting wood, yet.
I left the prayer session considerably grumpy and sore from the kick and went to work on repairing the sails. I had never worked with a needle and thread before, so my fingers started bleeding. Stupid needle, I muttered, sucking on my cut.
It was pretty hot outside, especially for early January, so I wondered what was up. I looked down and saw smoke rising from the kitchen. “Oh, dear,” I said. I climbed down the ropes and saw a sight to make even Randy shudder.
One of the cooks, Martin Luther, was on fire. And I mean ON FIRE, head to heels on fire. He was running around screaming and I tried to tell him to stop, drop, and roll, but my attempts were fruitless. He had already brushed up against the wooden wall (yes, wooden) and so the ship was now burning. The other cooks and I call all the other hands on the ship to extinguish the fire, but unfortunately, there was no saving Martin Luther. That day, we had another service to the fourth man down on the ship, and I decided that because no one else would, I should go up and speak.
“I didn’t know Martin. At all,” I began. “I mean, I couldn’t even associate his name with a face before now. But I do know that his burning was totally uncalled for. We should definitely have a moment of silence for him after we dump him off the ship. Poor guy. Another man down,” I finished and whimpered a bit.
The point wasn’t really sinking in, because I just got some weird stares. But there was no dwelling on it; I wailed for this man I didn’t know. I wailed because I think he was the one who put out the best dried beef. All the other cooks would put out the salted meats that didn’t taste good. The dried biscuits, peas, and onions made my tongue hurt.
The rest of the day was quiet. Everyone was somewhat upset about the death of Martin Luther, particularly because that was four men dead and four is a lot of lives to be lost over a course of a few weeks. Nearly everyone took an extra long swig of rum to ease the pain of another passing, and I don’t know who started it, but I do remember getting socked in the face and watching as a beer brawl took place in the eating area. This other guy, Vilhelm, must have had a heart attack or something, because he died then and there on the ground. But when we threw him over board, he screamed, “I’M ALIVE!” so he must have just passed out. Or it might have been, “I believe I can fly!” I couldn’t really tell. But we had a service for him the next day anyway.
(Note: It has been said that Vilhelm drifted to an island and became the chieftain. Nobody knows.)
At the service, no one volunteered to speak, so I did.
I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I winged it. “Um… I didn’t know this man, but I know that he was a good person and let us hope that he either ended up as an island chieftain or went to heaven. Rest in peace.”
“Amen,” everyone ended. Suddenly there was much weeping.
My speech was a success! Hooray!
We arrived in the New World in March. We had been sailing for months, and that had taken a toll on some of our sailors, particularly Filip. He had become delirious and jumped off the ship, trying to swim to land. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t swim, and so when we reached land, we held a service for him.
Randy spoke at that service.
About that Randy… I always get the strangest feeling he’s following me. But that might just be because I’m a stupid farmhand. But maybe I’ll actually get to be head farmer in the New World!
I don’t really care. I just want to get OFF THIS STUPID SHIP!!!! I was tired of using the vile holes in the head! Tired of swabbing the deck with salt water at five A.M.! Tired of watching the captain and the first mate get the best sleep! I wanted OUT!
And thus, I conclude this American Diary. I hope that the next time I report, I will have better tidings than the many misadventures upon this Kermit Noggel.
Sincerely, Birger
A Simple Farmhand, trying to make it BIG in the new world. Here’s hoping that I might be more than I am now.
March 1638
My name is Birger… By Sofia
I was born on a farm, and we weren’t particularly rich, but we weren’t particularly poor. But being the youngest AND the best in the field, I was never educated and so there weren’t many career options for me, and illiterate farm-hand.
But I never lost hope that some day, I would rise above my current social status and/or have some sort of adventure! So that’s why I’m starting my story that day, the day that things took a turn for the best/worst.
There was a little homeless man, mucking about in the mud, and there was a wealthy looking fellow who was strolling down the street and looking smug. I was buying some chickenfeed for my family’s farm, and I couldn’t help but overhear the wealthy man… Axel, I think he was called talking to this grubby boy named Rudolf. They were talking about how Axel could give this Rudolf a better life, how Rudolf could go on a voyage to the new world. They would sail on a grand ship… called the Kermit Noggel, I think he said.
What? I had been a good person all my life. Always helped out on the farm when I was told, always helped others, and always obeyed my parents! So why was this muddy little boy getting to fulfill his dreams when he had spent his whole life thieving and grubbing in the mud?
“I WANT TO SAIL ON THE KERMIT NOGGEL!” I wailed girlishly. But then I realized what a scene I was making and tried to shield my tears. I was getting some odd stares from a man with features too devilish to describe.
The Axel fellow noticed me and came over. “You want to sail on the Kalmar Nyckel? You think you’re a worthy seaman?”
“Um… yes?” I whimpered.
“Well, you should get permission from your family, but there is space for you on our ship,” he replied.
I was overjoyed! I ran home to my parents as fast as I could and asked them if I could become a sailor. They agreed, and to tell the truth, they seemed glad to be rid of me. Strange… oh well. I didn’t dwell on it for too long, because… I was sailing on the Kermit Noggel! Goodbye, country bumpkin aura! I’m a sophisticated sailor, now!
But I did actually have to wait a bit. It took nearly a year for all the provisions to be made, and our captain Peter Minuit finally told us we could board the ship. As I entered the ship with all my belongings in my sea chest, I recognized a few faces. There was kind Axel, talking with Peter Minuit. The grubby boy was standing awkwardly by the helm, dressed slightly better but still stinking of dirty pigs. Even the man with the devilishly sly grin that had stared at me earlier was there.
We all stood in line so that Peter Minuit could inspect his crew. I stood beside a man named Engelbrckt, who had fair, fluffy hair and a prodigious girth. “Hi!” I whispered. We would later become good friends.
As he inspected us, Peter Minuit announced what we would be in the new world. Axel would be an officer, naturally, what with his impeccable taste in sailors. The indescribable man—who answered to the name Randy—was also an officer, poor decision making in my opinion. That grubby Rudolf was also an officer, which annoyed me because I was not. Engelbrckt was a farmer, and I prayed for anything but that when Peter called my name. Of course, though, I was a farmer. Because why would I get something I wanted? The thought of it!
We set sail that day, November 1st, 1637. A cold, blustery day. Bells rung and I found myself swabbing the deck until my hands became red as the rooster. Four bells later, I stood up and felt my stomach rumbling. Four hours, it had been! I was starving!
I started to go get some food when I saw Randy poking his head around the corner and staring at me. I shuffled a bit quicker away and was glad to see the cook had a large meal made for us. I started to take my fill when Axel came up to me. “Might not want to do that,” he warned. “If you’re caught taking more than the ration, you’ll be put in the hold.” I nodded and put back some stew.
“What’s the hold?” I asked.
“It’s a dark area below the deck. It gives me the willies just thinking about it!”
The next day there was a large storm and the captain took us into port. We all had much cabin fever and we were very excited to finally set sail, that cold day of December 31,1637.
Engelbrckt and I sat down together at the table and started eating our dried meats. He handed me some rum. I was somewhat taken aback, I suppose.
“Why, Engelbrckt! You know if we get caught drunk we will be put in the hold!” I said. “Don’t we have any water?”
“Yick, the water goes bad, I’ve heard. I don’t know how long it takes, but I don’t want to find any worms in my drink,” he told me. I took a small sip of the rum, wanting more but restraining myself.
Engelbrckt, however, took a long, hard swig, and another, and another. He started to act somewhat stupid and I looked around nervously. There was Randy, again, looking around the corner! He was an officer, he’d punish Engelbrckt! I tried to make Engelbrckt act sensible, but the poor bloke was too drunk to understand. Randy disappeared around the corner and came back with Peter Minuit.
“You dirty farmer!” the captain cried. “You’re drunk!”
I watched as they took Engelbrckt to the hold. I looked on sadly and then sniffed myself. It had been six months since I had a bath; I was due for another one!
Night came and I saw one of the sailors using the stars to guide him. I looked up and just saw a bunch of shiny dots, but thankfully, I wasn’t one of the sailors and didn’t have to understand the code. The sailor cast something over the side. “Forty fathoms!” he called. “No bottom!”
I had no clue what that meant, but I headed over to get some water. Beside me, one of Randy’s friends, Bailey, was drinking from his cup. He started choking and spat out the largest worm I have ever seen! It landed on his neck and nearly strangled him, but he threw it down and it slithered into… the captain’s quarters! We called together a group of people, and some distracted Peter Minuit while the others snuck into his cabin and trapped the worm. I watched as Rudolf shoved the worm in a bag and threw it over the side of the ship. I suppose you still have to do some dirty work as the captain.
A few days later, Axel remembered about Engelbrckt, God rest his soul. We went down into the hold, and a few hours later, we were all at a service for the poor man.
No one on the ship knew him, so I decided to say a few words. “I barely knew him, but even as we first met, I knew he was a good person. Why, anyone with that kind of stomach had to be some sort of culinary connoisseur! Why did the dumb man have to get so drunk? If only he hadn’t, he might still be with us! Poor, poor, drunk, starving, fat Engelbrckt. Rest in peace, my friend.”
I stepped down and got a lot of odd stares, this time not just from Randy. But I didn’t dwell on it. I sobbed as they threw his large corpse overboard. My good friend… my good friend… lost to the sea.
But he was not the only one to be lost.
That night, we were all somewhat troubled by the death of Engelbrckt. A few lumpy mattresses down from me, there was a disturbance. I heard Helmer yelp and saw him kick someone… I can’t really recall what happened after that, but I know that a few minutes later, there was brouhaha and everyone was punching and kicking.
“Come on now, violence is not the answer!” I cried. “Why once back on the farm, I was trying to beat up a chicken because it was sitting on my favorite toy, and it nearly pecked off my fingers! So let’s just talk this over…”
“Aw, do shut up!” someone yelled, and before I knew what was happening, I was punched in the eye and was kicking, yelling, scratching, punching, and biting like there was no tomorrow.
Poor decision making on my part, I know. But I was punished because I found myself lying on the ground, pretending to be unconscious so I won’t get punched anymore. My eyes closed, I heard someone enter and a few shots fired. A scream and a gasp. A BIG gasp. Then I heard a splash. I decided to go to sleep for a little bit and wake up when this was over.
I woke up a few hours later and saw Barbro lying dead on the ground and people crying for Helmer and looking mournfully over the side of the ship. I decided that this was not the best time to wake up and went back to sleep.
The next day there was a large storm and the captain took us into port. We all had much cabin fever
I was kicked awake by Randy who looked somewhat bored.
“Whadja do that for?” I asked, annoyed.
“Boredom,” he replied, and left quickly.
I got up and went to my prayers session. I had to go twice a day, and although I am a very religious man, it was getting annoying. I hadn’t had time to finish the small, wooden pipe I was trying to whittle out of rotting wood, yet.
I left the prayer session considerably grumpy and sore from the kick and went to work on repairing the sails. I had never worked with a needle and thread before, so my fingers started bleeding. Stupid needle, I muttered, sucking on my cut.
It was pretty hot outside, especially for early January, so I wondered what was up. I looked down and saw smoke rising from the kitchen. “Oh, dear,” I said. I climbed down the ropes and saw a sight to make even Randy shudder.
One of the cooks, Martin Luther, was on fire. And I mean ON FIRE, head to heels on fire. He was running around screaming and I tried to tell him to stop, drop, and roll, but my attempts were fruitless. He had already brushed up against the wooden wall (yes, wooden) and so the ship was now burning. The other cooks and I call all the other hands on the ship to extinguish the fire, but unfortunately, there was no saving Martin Luther. That day, we had another service to the fourth man down on the ship, and I decided that because no one else would, I should go up and speak.
“I didn’t know Martin. At all,” I began. “I mean, I couldn’t even associate his name with a face before now. But I do know that his burning was totally uncalled for. We should definitely have a moment of silence for him after we dump him off the ship. Poor guy. Another man down,” I finished and whimpered a bit.
The point wasn’t really sinking in, because I just got some weird stares. But there was no dwelling on it; I wailed for this man I didn’t know. I wailed because I think he was the one who put out the best dried beef. All the other cooks would put out the salted meats that didn’t taste good. The dried biscuits, peas, and onions made my tongue hurt.
The rest of the day was quiet. Everyone was somewhat upset about the death of Martin Luther, particularly because that was four men dead and four is a lot of lives to be lost over a course of a few weeks. Nearly everyone took an extra long swig of rum to ease the pain of another passing, and I don’t know who started it, but I do remember getting socked in the face and watching as a beer brawl took place in the eating area. This other guy, Vilhelm, must have had a heart attack or something, because he died then and there on the ground. But when we threw him over board, he screamed, “I’M ALIVE!” so he must have just passed out. Or it might have been, “I believe I can fly!” I couldn’t really tell. But we had a service for him the next day anyway.
(Note: It has been said that Vilhelm drifted to an island and became the chieftain. Nobody knows.)
At the service, no one volunteered to speak, so I did.
I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I winged it. “Um… I didn’t know this man, but I know that he was a good person and let us hope that he either ended up as an island chieftain or went to heaven. Rest in peace.”
“Amen,” everyone ended. Suddenly there was much weeping.
My speech was a success! Hooray!
We arrived in the New World in March. We had been sailing for months, and that had taken a toll on some of our sailors, particularly Filip. He had become delirious and jumped off the ship, trying to swim to land. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t swim, and so when we reached land, we held a service for him.
Randy spoke at that service.
About that Randy… I always get the strangest feeling he’s following me. But that might just be because I’m a stupid farmhand. But maybe I’ll actually get to be head farmer in the New World!
I don’t really care. I just want to get OFF THIS STUPID SHIP!!!! I was tired of using the vile holes in the head! Tired of swabbing the deck with salt water at five A.M.! Tired of watching the captain and the first mate get the best sleep! I wanted OUT!
And thus, I conclude this American Diary. I hope that the next time I report, I will have better tidings than the many misadventures upon this Kermit Noggel.
Sincerely, Birger
A Simple Farmhand, trying to make it BIG in the new world. Here’s hoping that I might be more than I am now.
March 1638
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
