Part 4... The Reunion

Birger has found himself, once again, in the middle of the ocean. But as we've learned, he can still screw things up so badly it isn't even funny.
Well, maybe it is.
But, so, who kidnapped them and killed Randy?
Oops! Spoiler!
Or is it...

My Name is Birger… Part IV: The Reunion
Where were we the last time I checked? Oh, yeah. I was sleeping on some random ship made of palm trees in the middle of an ocean that I can’t name because I don’t know which one it is.
Well, I was trying to sleep. You see, Axel was kicking me and telling me to get up and that we were in the middle of some ocean on a ship that we woke up on and all I could to was sleep?!
I finally gave in and sat up. Axel was freaking out and Rudolf was sitting in a corner sucking his muddy little thumb. I rubbed my eyes.
“Guys, what is WRONG?” I said. “You are freaking out over nothing.”
“Nothing? NOTHING?! We’ve been kidnapped and they’ve MURDERED RANDY!!!” Axel screamed.
“WHAT?! RANDY’S MY BFF!” I cried. “Who’s going to follow me around everywhere I go now?!”
Now everyone was up on the deck dancing around in a panic.
Randy! They’ve murdered Randy!
Suddenly, the craziest thing happened. Randy stepped out onto the deck.
“AAAH! STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU ZOMBIE RANDY FREAK!” I screamed. I started trying to rip up one of the floorboards so that I could wave it at the zombie and it would go away.
Axel looked at Randy. “Sorry about that,” he said. “We thought our kidnappers had murdered you so right now Birger thinks you’re dead.”
He gestured over to me. I was still trying to rip the floorboard out.
Randy laughed. “Kidnappers? No, I was taking us all back to Sweden! You looked so peaceful and so I didn’t want to wake you… or at least, that’s what you think! Buahahahaha!”
I got up. Randy was back to his same old, creepy self again!
I ran over and hugged him. “Randy! You’re safe! For a minute there, I thought you’d gone and died!”
He struggled out of my grip. “Stupid farmer hick!” he said.
He was just joking though. BFFs say that, but they don’t mean it.
“So, this is your room,” Randy said. “It’s a little small, but me and the Stalker Squad only had a few hours to build this whole ship.”
The place looked like a jail cell. But there were chairs.
“Dibs on the chair by the window!” I called. I ran and sat down.
Rudolf and Axel weren’t so quick to run in, though.
“But, Randy, we could help you on the ship,” Axel said.
“Naw, it’s alright. I’ve got my slaves/stalker squad working the boat for me,” Randy replied. Then he shut the door.
“Wait! Randy! Where are—never mind,” Rudolf sat down on the chair at the end. Axel dragged his feet to the middle chair.
“Isn’t this awesome?” I said. “It’s like… our own little clubhouse! Oh my God, let’s play House!”
“No,” Axel replied.
How disappointing. I sat down in my chair and tried to think of something else to do. Suddenly a light bulb appeared over my head! Or was it a candle…
“How about we play…”
“No.”
What party poopers I had gotten stuck in a tiny room with. Why couldn’t I have gotten stuck in a room with… Ben Stiller or something. HE’D want to play House.
We sat in the room for a few hours doing nothing. This reminded me of life on the dingy, which I had recently named the S.S. McNuggit. I wish someone would make a brouhaha so I could be entertained.
Finally, the door opened. Axel stood up. “Randy?” he said. “We would like to come out of the cell now.”
“I don’t have the authority to let you do that,” Bailey said. He put in three plates of chicken fajitas in. My mouth watered. At least they’re feeding us well on this stupid ship.
But Rudolf wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pushed Bailey out of the way. Axel followed, but knocked Bailey out in the process. I also left, but I made sure to pick up all the plates. I dumped two of the fajitas in my pockets for later, then I stepped over the unconscious Bailey.
“Gee, Axel, that wasn’t nice,” I said, while simultaneously chowing down on fajitas. “Bailey’s lying on the ground with his mouth open now.”
Axel wasn’t listening. He was banging on the door he had seen Randy come out of earlier that day. Finally, he threw himself against the door and it fell down. I laughed, and stuck my hand in my pocket to get more fajitas.
“OW!” I cried. “Hot pocket! Hot pocket!”
But what I saw in the doorway made my mouth water.
“Rum,” I droned.
And I don’t really remember what happened after that. There was some drinking of rum and then I think Rudolf, Axel, and I flopped over the side of the boat. Then it was just cold, so I went to sleep.
I woke up a day later. Rudolf, Axel, and I were lying in a little cave and there was water for as far as the eye could see outside. I stood up. I had a headache.
“I’m ALIVE!” I called. “And hungry.” I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out a bit of fajita.
“You have food?” Axel asked. Rudolf got up and they started asking for some fajitas.
“Hey, hey, HEY,” I said. “If you want some food, you have to grovel.”
Axel looked at me like that was the dumbest thing in the world, but Rudolf was already down on his knees, bowing over and over. He was probably used to doing this.
“Good,” I said. I tossed him a bit of fajita. He ate it up like a dog.
Loser.
Axel rolled his eyes and got down on his knees. “Please, O Birger, spare me some… fajita,” he said.
I smiled and tossed him a bit of fajita.
I decided to see where we were.
But I can’t swim, so that was kind of hard.
I sat and waited for a few hours and finally, some dolphins showed up.
I had a great idea.
“Let’s ride the dolphins to safety!” I said triumphantly. This was the best idea I’d ever had. It was going to save all of us.
“Birger, I would like to put this politely, but that is the dumbest idea you have ever had, and you’ve had some pretty dumb ideas,” Axel told me.
“I don’t know. Remember that thing with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?” Rudolf asked.
“That would’ve have cured small pox if you’d have let me tried it!” I replied.
They had no faith in me. It made me sad. But I was not about to give up on my ideas! I jumped on the back of a dolphin and it started cackling and rolling around in the water.
“Whoa! Whoa boy!” I cried. He started swimming and it turned out that right on the other side of the cave that had no exit. I jumped off and a wave sent me hurtling onto the beach. I landed on my face.
I ripped my head out of the ground and looked around. This looked like the beach that the Kalmar Nyckel had taken off from!
“Oh, great. I’m- I’m- I’m home,” I said, putting the accent on the home part and making a face. “I hate home. I’m not going back to my house ever, ever, ever.
But I had to tell the others. I crawled up on top of the cave and yelled down in a tiny hole. “Hey! Guess what! WE’RE IN SWEDEN!”
I looked back and there was a woman on the beach. “Drunk bum,” she muttered.
Axel and Rudolf looked up.
“Where are you?” they called.
“I crawled on top of these rocks and saw a hole and you were down under the rocks that we thought were a cave. You should’ve gotten on the dolphin!”
They looked at each other and muttered something about a lucky loser and then shrugged.
“I’ll make a rope out of seaweed!” I yelled.
What? When you live on the open sea, you need to learn how to make things. Not how to read, how to make things.
I sent the rope down and they asked me how the heck they were supposed to fit through that hole. I told them they had a good point and through it down in front of the cave thing. Rudolf came up first.
“For a starving homeless kid, you weigh a ton,” I complained. Rudolf looked at me angrily.
I lay down on the rocks and panted dramatically as Rudolf pulled up Axel. Showoff.
We all staggered onto the beach. Rudolf immediately dropped down into the muddy sand and rolled around like a pig. I’m glad I’m not homeless.
Axel looked around. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the beach that the Kalmar Nyckel started on her maiden voyage from! I took a walk here before we left… oh look! There’s the port!” He started walking towards it.
“Let’s meet back here in three days!” he called. “I got a bone to pick with an ex-friend of mine!”
Rudolf stopped rolling around. “Yeah! And I’ve got a drive that I’ve never had before! I’m going to find my dad and tell him how much I hate him!”
I sighed. “I’m going to go to my family’s farm and eat some pie,” I said. Oh well. I’d been craving some pie for the past few years. You can’t find the right kind of pie in Rocks.
According to Axel
Axel had been wandering for a few hours. It had been so long since he had wandered these streets, so long since he had seen the mansion he used to call his home. Now, his old friend called it his home. His ex-friend… Fingal.
The very mention of the name would make Axel spit. This man had been his friend when Axel said he was poor, but as soon as he heard he was rich, Fingal had stolen all the money. Now Axel was a poor sailor that had no home. He was going to hit this man where it hurt. Not the wallet… the face.
Although, if he had thought hard enough about it, he probably could’ve hit him in the wallet too…
There was no time for that. That would take weeks, and they were planning on leaving Sweden in three days. He walked up to the mansion and knocked on the door.
The butler answered. Axel’s old butler.
“I’m sorry sir, but if you wish for an audience with Sir Fingal, you’ll have to come back with suitable clothes.”
Axel suddenly realized what he was wearing. He was basically dressed in rags. He was what you might call… riffraff.
“Ferdinand, it’s me. Axel,” he said.
Ferdinand looked for a second. Then he fainted.
Axel stepped over Ferdinand and ran up the stairs. He burst in through a door and saw Fingal sitting there… with Axel’s mother. They were conversing and calling each other “dumpling.” Axel wanted to puke.
“You married my mom?!” Axel screamed.
“Oh, sweet heart! It’s you!” Axel’s mother said. “I’ve missed you. Oh, and did I tell you? Your father died, so I married Fingal here. I was sure you wouldn’t mind, what with you being such good friends and all.”
I stood there for a second and then looked at Fingal. Then I picked him up and threw him over the side of the balcony. It was incredibly satisfying.
I looked at my mother, who sat there, unfazed, drinking her tea. I panted for a second.
“That’s how I roll,” I said. And then I went up to my room.

According to Rudolf:
Rudolf thought hard. He had found his favorite mud hole in all of Sweden, but he still had no clue as to where his father might be. He thought hard… and finally remembered something his mom had said about her father.
“The drunk loser spent his whole life in that pub, the Overflowing Pint,” she had said.
Luckily enough, the Overflowing Pint was right down the street from Rudolf’s mud hole. Rudolf stood up and walked down the street.
He stood in front of the building, looking up at the sign. Rudolf gathered his courage and opened up the door. He was hoping for a grand entrance, but no one looked over.
Rudolf strode over to the counter.
“Can I help y… do I know you, son?” the bartender asked.
“No, but you knew my father. Can you tell me where I could find him?” Rudolf asked.
He nodded towards the back door.
“Poor guy’s back there,” he said.
Rudolf wondered what he meant by that. Other than the fact that his dad was back there.
He went out the backdoor and there was a small patch of grass and a trash heap. Rudolf kicked the grass, annoyed that his father wasn’t there. But then he saw a small rock. He picked it up and written on it in some strange ink was “Here lies Sylvester Somethin or other. He was always too drunk to remember his last name. R.I.P.”
Rudolf was annoyed that he couldn’t tell his father how ticked he was, so he dropped the rock and stomped on it.
It was incredibly satisfying.
“That’s how I roll,” Rudolf said, and he walked out of the Overflowing Pint forever.

Back to Birger…
I spent a few hours walking back to my family’s farm. When I got there, I hesitated before knocking on the door. But I decided, what the hey, if I didn’t knock, I wouldn’t get pie, so I knocked.
My mother opened the door and looked out over the thresh hold.
“I don’t vote, I don’t want any raffle tickets, and I hate whales,” she said. She looked me up and down. “Hmmm… you look familiar. Have you tried to mooch off of me before?”
“Mom! I am flabbergasted! It’s me, Birger!”
She thought for a second. “Oh! Birger! Welcome home, sweetie!” She opened up the door and let me in.
“Let’s get you a change of clothes,” she said. “You look like a hobo. What’ve you been doing for the past few years? You were in politics, weren’t you?”
“No, mom, I sailed to the New World and got kicked off of it and then got stuck on a desert island with a few friends wand was then kidnapped by a zombie of my BFF but it turned out he was alive and then we found some rum and fell off the ship and then we landed in a cave and dolphins saved us and then Axel made me come see you guys.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s really interesting,” she said. “Oh yes, and a friend dropped by earlier to see if you were here, but I told him you had been eaten by wolves, cause I couldn’t remember what really happened.”
“What was his name?”
“Randy.”
I jumped for joy! RANDY! “He’s my BFF! Did he tell you where he was staying?”
A rock flew through the window. Written on it was “The Overflowing Pint Inn.”
I looked at my mom.
“I’m going to the Overflowing Pint Inn!” I said.
“Alright. Well, it was nice seeing you after all these years,” my mom said. “Oh, and here’s a change of clothes. If anyone asks, you’re not related to me.”
I nodded and took the clothes. I changed behind a tree in the front yard. A squirrel looked down at me and died.
“Oh, shut up,” I muttered, but it was kind of useless, because the poor little thing would never squeak again. I found a box and buried it before I left for the Overflowing Pint Inn.
I threw open the doors of the Inn and said, “Randy! I’m here! It’s me! Birger! Your BFF!”
I looked around. An old woman was the only person in the shop, and she was looking at some teabags.
“Oops, sorry. Wrong shop,” I said. I walked out of the store and to the one next door.
“It’s me! Birger!” I shouted as I threw open the doors. Everyone looked at me, shook their head, and got back to their beer. Alcoholics. You can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. Well, maybe you could live without ‘em.
I headed up to the bartender and slapped my hand down on the counter. He looked up at me.
“I want information on the whereabouts of Randy,” I said.
“Randy? We got about five of ‘em living up in the rooms. Which one do you want?”
Randy had a last name?
“Randy,” I replied confidently.
He shook his head and said, “There’s one in each room between Room 7 and Room 12. Good luck.” He nodded over towards the stairs in the corner.
I walked over to the stairs and started heading upwards. I knocked on the first door.
“Hello?!” I called in. “Randy?”
“Yeah, what?!” I heard some guy scream.
“It’s me! Birger!”
“Who?”
That wasn’t Randy. I headed to the next door.
“Randy? It’s me, Birger!” I called.
No answer.
That wasn’t Randy either.
Next door. “Randy!” I shouted.
A guy opened the door.
His head went up to about my waste.
“Oh, um, sorry. I was looking for a non-midget,” I said politely. He scowled and slammed the door.
I knocked on the next door and heard a familiar sinister voice. It was Randy!
“Randy!” I called. “It’s me! Birger!”
He opened the door and peered out.
“Where are you staying, Birger?” he asked.
“Well, I’ve been lying around in the sand on the beach lately, but I visited my mom today,” I replied. “But now, I’ve got to meet Axel and Rudolf down at the beach tonight.”
He nodded and slammed the door. I shrugged and figured he was probably still in his pajamas, so I waited for a few minutes for him to open the door again.
Nothing.
“Well, I’ll see you at the beach!” I called.
“Leave!” he snarled.
“Okay!” I replied cheerfully. And I started my long treck back to the beach.
Well, not much has changed since my last entry. At least not for me. But my friends, wow! Have THEY got some stories to tell!
Sincerely, Birger. An unemployed loser with some cool friends.