Part 2... The New World

Birger has finally reached the new world! How will he screw things up in the Americas? We will soon find out...

My Name is Birger… Part II: The New World
Where did I leave off? Oh, yes. My company and I had just reached the New World. I was in a small boat headed for the mainland with two other men: Randy and Toefill. I was always with Randy. I could never figure out why.
Our little boat reached the land. The other little boats were starting to reach the land when I heard a wild whoop. I had only heard that kind of whoop once… it was when a crewmate of mine, Filip, had gone insane and jumped overboard thinking he could swim. He couldn’t. Anyway, I saw Toefill run into the forest.
I never saw the poor guy again.
Axel had brought plans to build Fort Christina. I must admit, it doesn’t look anything like her. It’s shaped like a diamond. Sort of weird, I know, but I didn’t make the plans! I was just expected to work in the field!
Unfortunately, I’ve got to build 24/7 now, because or crops germinated (whatever that means) on the voyage and so I’m pretty much unemployed. Oh well. At least I’m not stupid Birger the Farmhand! I’m Stupid Birger the Unemployed!
I have a log cabin. My own log cabin! I am so excited. I’ve been trying to make it homier, but I don’t really have many possessions since my sea chest was so small. I wish I could have had the brains to bring some curtains, because for some reason, Randy’s cabin is next to mine and he’s sort of creepy. I see him in his window just staring at me sometimes.
During one of my few breaks, I decided to take a stroll in the woods. It was refreshing, and for once, I didn’t have the creepy feeling that someone was following me. I liked the pretty trees here. I looked down and I saw a small stone-looking thingy. It was broken. I bent down to pick it up. It was a broken knife, I think. Useless. I tossed it back down on the ground and left it there. Piece of junk.
Life was getting boring just building Fort Christina, and since our crops germinated (Germinator!), we were running short on supplies. Axel was going to trade with the Lenape. He’s smart. He has learned to speak the Lenape language.
I went up to him. “Axel!” I whined. “Can I speak with you at the trade with the Lenape? I can speak their language pretty well now!”
I lied.
“Really?” For some reason, Axel seemed surprised that I had learned something.
“Sure!” I replied. “I can say anything! And I know all about trade!”
I lied again.
“Like what?” Axel asked.
I racked my brain. I knew nothing about trade.
“Um… well, I guess we obviously trade clothes and food…” I said, trying to think of things I had been made to give up to the trade.
“Oh, well, we’re running out of time. Let’s get going!” Axel said. He lead me through the forest and I came to a Lenape camp. It was really cool. There were like… houses and stuff. But they were cool houses. And people had face paint on. I put some berry juice on my face once, but my mom yelled at me. That was the end of that.
Axel told me he was going to talk with a man over there about the trade of copper tools. He told me to talk about getting some beaver pelts with a man over here. I had no clue how to speak the Lenape language, but how hard could it be.
The man said something and raised his hand.
I repeated it and raised my hand.
“Er, uh, wakishaki. Beaver pelts. Goomiwoomi. Yog. Der. Schmoo. Lincoln logs. Frimfram. Meebie. Weebie. Kevin Federline. Mcmuffin. Beaver pelts? Yeah?”
They looked at me and shook their heads. Then they called over Axel and said something to him in a language I couldn’t understand.
“You can’t speak the language? Come on, Birger!” Axel complained. “Go back to the fort. I’ll handle the trade.”
I walked back sullenly. So I couldn’t speak the language! I was bored! I headed back to the Fort and heard Rudolf telling Alf how much land we had.
“We made a treaty with the Lenape, and we get all the land from the South River to the Schylkill! I’m telling you, these Lenape Indians are a generous people!”
If they were so generous, why hadn’t they given me the chance to learn the language! Phooey on them.
I headed back to my cabin and sat by myself with my arms crossed. Everyone was so mean! I heard a creak in the floor boards and looked around. I could have sworn I saw Randy, but it was probably just my imagination.
I saw Axel outside.
“Did the trade go okay?” I said angrily.
“Fine. They gave us some beans, corn, and squash along with some beaver pelts when we gave them some copper tools,” Axel replied, not sensing my tone of voice.
I looked on and saw some Indians heading towards our fort. They were dragging a body. It looked like Sverker.
Axel went up to them and listened to them speak. He waved them off and took Sverker’s body to camp.
“The Minquis mistook him for a dear and shot him,” he said gloomily.
“Oh! OH! Can I speak at the funeral?” I asked.
“Fine, Birger.”
Earlier, we had found Toefill’s body lying in a hammock in the forest with a daisy chain on his head. I spoke at that service, but it wasn’t so successful.
“Sverker. You must have one athletic bod if the Minquis mistake you for a dear!” I joked. No one laughed. “Okay then… well, rest in peace, I guess.”
I stepped down.
Everyone was depressed. We couldn’t get through the year without killing someone. But then Rudolf had the perfect solution.
“PARTY AT MY PLACE!” he called. “But don’t tell Axel!”
No duh! He would crash it.
I was having fun. Except every time I turned around, Randy was there. So? I was having a good time. No one could spoil this party!
Except Axel. He stepped in through the door and everyone stopped talking.
“Uh, guys? You’re supposed to be working right now!” he said.
We shuffled out the door and I stuck my tongue when Axel wasn’t looking. “Party pooper,” I muttered. I think he heard me.
“Yeah, I hope you did hear me!” I said.
“What?” he said.
“Never mind…”
I went home and got into bed. I was still annoyed about the party being interrupted. I got into bed and heard some creepy noises. I’m starting to think my log cabin is haunted.
I opened my eyes and looked around.
“You’re a disgrace to the Stalker Squad!” Randy was saying to D.J. Owens.
“Um, I’m sorry. I thought the party was over,” I said.
They all looked at me creepily. “Go to sleep, Birger. This is a dream.”
“Oh. Okay,” I said. That’s good. I was starting to think that Randy was stalking me! What a strange accusation that would be! It’s crazy what Rocks (that was what we had started to call the New World) will do to you!
The next morning, I was working on counting up the beaver pelts. I could never get past three because I would hear my fellow colonists complaining (Also, I don’t know what comes after three.)
“I had no choice! I had to come to Rocks!” Alf was complaining. “If I had the choice, I would still be in Sweden, waiting to get out of jail!”
I gasped. “Alf! A jailbird? One of my fellow farmers would rather be in jail than be in the fabulous New World of Rocks? For shame!”
They all looked at me and turned their stools so that they couldn’t see my face. Oh well. I suppose they were embarrassed that I had heard their complaints.
Since I have no job being a farmer, I have to do bits and bobs of other stuff. Like the other day I was helping build more of Fort Christina and today I have to work with the trade with the Minquis and Lenape (although I still haven’t learned their language, a ton of other people have). We have a ton of beaver pelts and we get a ton of what they call the Three Sisters. They just look like some funky veggies to me, but at least it’s food! We have to give away a lot of our clothes, so I’ve been wearing these hick clothes for the past three weeks. I am starting to offend people with my smell, but I had a bath three months ago, so I don’t see what the problems are.
“Birger! Go away! You’re melting my nose off!” Rudolf said meanly.
My eyes started tearing up. “For a muddy homeless loser, you sure don’t know how to respect your farmers!”” I said angrily. I turned around and ran into the woods. I hope Axel crashes a ton of his future parties.
In the woods, I heard lots of leaves crunching up behind me. I turned around… and there was Randy! Boy, for a mute officer, he sure gets around!
“Randy?” I said.
He seemed to register that I was looking at him and he hid behind a tree. After a few minutes, he still didn’t come out, so I assumed he was gone. But a few seconds later, I whirled around. There he was! Then he hid behind a tree.
“Okay. Bye Randy!” I called.
I strolled along, back to the fort. Axel was writing a letter to Queen Christina. He looked pretty stressed out.
“Whassup!” I said.
“Please don’t do that. I’m trying to write this letter convincing Christina to let us stay in the New World for another year. But we didn’t churn out much profit, so I don’t know what to write!”
I thought for a second. “Well, there was no drunkenness, like there was on the ship! Whoo! Yeah, no alcoholism this year, not even one beer brawl! No one got thrown overboard or shot to death because of drunken people!”
Axel sighed. “Thanks, Birger, but I decided it was best not to tell Christina about the six deaths which the majority of were because of alcohol. I don’t even know how you people got intoxicated by such small rations! It just doesn’t happen!”
“Whatever!” I replied and walked back to the fort.
I suppose the year is up, and thus I must bid you adieu… forever. Because by the next American diary, I am going to be loooong gone.

Sincerely, Birger. I had fun telling you what happened, and I think I might have climbed the social ladder a bit, like maybe half a notch. And all I have to say is… time well spent! Yay! Thank you. And goodnight.
But never mind. I love this soooo much, that I am going to continue my adventures, but no, they are not going to be based on fact.
At all.
Sincerely, Birger
A simple Unemployed guy trying to make it big in the new world. And failing.