Part 3... The Desert Island of McNugget

Birger is now in the middle of an ocean with three guys and a dingy. It's hard to screw things up when you're thousands of miles from anything, but somehow, Birger manages to. So, let's read on! If you dare...

My name is Birger… Part III: The Desert Island of McNuggit
Unfortunately... it’s been years since I’ve written (even though I can’t read or write. This diary is in spirit.) But since I’ve written, the following has happened:
1.) Some fat guy came and tried to govern us.
2.) He was all rich so we burned down his house.
3.) Then our land was taken by the Dutch.
4.) We took it back.
5.) And now, they have like, 700 troops and 300 ships. We have like, seven hundred people. This isn’t gonna work out.

“So what are we going to do now?!” Axel cried. He was looking pretty stressed. “The Dutch have taken over… we need to leave and go back to Sweden?”
“Why don’t we stay?” Rudolf suggested.
“Isn’t that just like a homeless idiot to suggest that?!” Randy spat. Rudolf looked at him angrily.
“Well, at least I’m not a stalker!” Rudolf replied.
Randy? A stalker?! Ha! What an imagination. Being homeless really does things to your brain. Like make you stupid and totally oblivious to the outside world.
“I’ve got an idea! It’s way out of sight! Why don’t we build a dingy or two and sail out into the open ocean with no food and no provisions!” I said. I looked around, excited to see their reaction.
“Birger, that’s a terrible idea!” Axel replied. “We’d die after a few days!”
I hunched over grumpily. “It was just an idea,” I grumbled.
“But maybe if we brought food…” Rudolf said.
“Rudolf!” Axel shouted. “What would we do when we we’re on the open sea and have no food left?”
“Axel, there comes a time in every friendship when you say, ‘I need you to do this with me.’ Will you, Axel, do this with me?” I said.
Randy looked around. He was getting a creepy grin on his face. I could almost read his thoughts. Because he painted them to his forehead. The words said, I am stalking Birger. But that’s just silly! No one stalks me!
Axel looked sort of creeped out. “Um… well, I don’t want to live under the Dutch…” he said. “Maybe we’ll find an island or something…”
“You just bought a load of poo from a guy you found grubbing in the mud in the middle of a city street!” I told Axel.
Axel looked at me, clearly annoyed at my insight. Well, I didn’t see why. I wasn’t’ even finished talking.
“And for that, Axel… I salute you,” I finished.
Randy stood next to me. “I call the boat with Birger!” he said.
This guy was always finding an excuse to be near me. But he never wanted to play “house” with me when I asked! He had one weird idea of what BFFs are supposed to be. They’re supposed to play together.
“You’re my BFF, Randy,” I said happily.
“Stay away,” he said meanly.
I laughed. “You’re silly!”
We got lots of food and we built a little dingy that had just enough room for all of us. It was the smartest plan I’ve ever heard of. Randy shoved me over so he could sit next to me. I think he wanted to play squish the lemon.
I shoved back.
“Whadja do that for?!” he said sorely.
“We’re playing!” I laughed.
He shoved back. I shoved. He shoved back. I shoved. He shoved really, really hard. I toppled over the side of the dingy and into the water.
“Help!” I screamed. “I can’t swim!”
Rudolf looked at me like I was the dumbest guy in the world. “The water’s three inches deep,” he said like it was totally obvious.
I looked around and realized that only my bottom was wet. “Oh,” I said chipperly. I got back in the boat and the water seeped into my pants.
“Yick,” I said. “Look at my pants!” I said to Randy.
He turned his head so that he couldn’t see me.
Axel heaved us into the ocean and we all sat in the boat. It was just like playing house! “I’ll be the Mommy, Randy can be the Daddy, Axel can be the little brother, and Rudolf can be the big sister,” I instructed.
Everyone looked at me like I was nuts.
“Excuse me?” Axel said.
“We’re playing house. Duh,” I said.
“No. We’re not,” Axel replied. We all sat in the boat.
For a couple of days. With no playing house. It was the most boring week of my life, even more boring than the days on the Kalmar Nyckel. Although, those days were full of murder, brouhahas, giant worms, drunk sailors, and bad funerals, so I guess that’s not the best comparison.
We were running out of food. Plus it really stank when it rained because although we got food, we also got soaked through and through. We didn’t have a head so everyone had to turn around while someone else went over the side. It was really gross, but the heads were grosser. Rudolf was supposed to clean those on the ship, but he never did. He was a bad head cleaner.
We ran out of food, eventually. I spent most of the day lying down whining, “We’re deaddddddddddd! We’re deadddddd! We totally died!”
Randy thought I was the most annoying guy in the world, but we’re still BFFs. BFFs love each other no matter what.
Finally, near the end of the day we ran out of food, Rudolf let out a girly scream. “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Where?” Axel cried, craning his neck to try and find it.
“Um, we’re sitting on it. We have been for like hours, but I got sick of waiting for you guys to notice,” Rudolf said.
Randy’s face got eviler than usual. “We’ve been on land for hours and I’ve been sitting in this tiny boat with the farmer that takes up three fourths of the seat!” he said calmly… but he was angry. I could tell. BFFs can tell that about each other. We have a sort of BFF ESP.
We got out of the boat and started kissing the sand. I got a bunch of sand in my mouth and I ran around, clutching my stomach, and I finally realized that I could spit it out. Unfortunately, when I realized that, Rudolf was lying beneath me.
“DUDE!” Rudolf screamed. “You spat sand out on my head! I only take two baths a year! I need to stay as clean as possible.”
“That didn’t stop you when you were grubbing in the mud that day I was buying chickenfeed,” I said dreamily. That day had been the day my life took a turn for the best. I met my BFF Randy through that day. I got my job on a tiny ship with a smelly head that day! I got kicked out of my family and never saw them again that day! That day was the best day of my life!
I looked around. It wasn’t exactly what you’d call a desert island, except for the fact that there was a beach that was full of sand… I wanted to name the place before anyone else could name it. “I hereby declare this land named… McNuggit!” I cried.
Everyone else was too busy yucking it up with the dirt to notice.
Except Axel, who looked up. He had sand dribbled all down his chin and looked like Rudolf had when they first found him.
“You named it McNuggit? Preposterous!” he spluttered.
Freak.
“I hereby name this land… New New Sweden!” he cried.
Fuh-reak!
“And I named it as soon as we got out of the dingy, so my name should be the one that is chosen!” he said.
Rudolf spat out the dirt. He was covered in it. It looks like he’s finally been reunited with his natural habitat.
“Well, I named it as soon as I saw it, so it should be named my name!” he said. “Let’s call it… Utopia!”
“Why don’t we name it Muddy Homeless Person World while we’re at it?!” Randy chided. “It will be called Stalker Squad Headquarters.”
None of those are as good as McNuggit. Not even close.
So we all decided that our name was the name that McNuggit had. But we all knew that McNuggit was the real one.
A few days later, we had all built log houses out of palm trees. They were so much better than the log cabins we had in Rocks. Plus I wove a carpet out of stringy grass and so it was so much more like home. We had made a little dirt road and put all our houses next to it. Randy’s was right next to mine. We are such close friends; he can’t bear to be all the way across the street.
Living on McNuggit was all fine and dandy… until one day Bailey, Clifford, Edward Jones, D.J. Owens, Nelson, and Selma showed up on the beach. They were all wet and hungry and Randy made us give them a lot of our food.
One night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find all of them sitting around me. “Raaaandy,” Nelson was whining. “I want to go back to Sweden. The Stalker Squad Headquarters are laaame.”
“McNuggit,” I corrected him.
Nelson looked panicked. Randy was calm.
“Go to sleep, Birger. You’re dreaming,” he said.
“Okay,” I replied. Then I went to sleep.
I woke up on a ship. It was made out of palm trees and there was no land in sight. I woke up and ran to the side.
“MCNUGGIT!” I screamed. “You were so young!”
I looked back and saw that Rudolf and Axel were lying on the floor where I had been laying. Rudolf was sucking his thumb. Axel had his arms crossed like a mummy. They looked weird.
“Guys! Get up!” I shouted. “McNuggit’s gone!”
Axel woke up. He ran to the edge of the ship and screamed, “New New Sweden! It’s- it’s… gone!”
Then the ship started rocking we fell down and Rudolf started rolling around, but the guy must have gotten used to being run over by carriages because of his nights on the street, and so rolling around on a ship wasn’t going to wake him up.
But he did wake up. He woke up and threw up over the side of the ship.
Okaaaay.
“Where are we?” he cried.
“On a ship made of palm trees,” I replied. “Hey, where’s the head?”
They ignored me.
“Randy’s missing!” Axel proclaimed. Then I noticed that Randy, was, in fact, not there. I looked around and he still wasn’t there.
I sat down, stumped. “I’m stumped,” I said. “No pun intended.”
“What pun?” they said.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
Will I ever figure out what the heck is going on? Not likely. I lost track of that when I was… I think… six?
And I’m ending the story here because… I don’t know what happens next. I went back to sleep. In my next diary, maybe I’ll write what happens.
Sincerely, Birger
A simple ex-farmer in the middle of an ocean.