Well, things have been looking pretty bleak. But fortunately, Birger's back and he's as stupid as ever! Will a simple slip of the hand be able to mess up the world as badly as possible?
Um... yeah. Sorry.
My Name is Birger: Part VI… Departure
Sorry I haven’t put an entry in for a long time. Life as a farmhand has been, as usual, amazingly boring.
Every day for three months it’s been the same old story. Wake up early, feed the animals, milk the cows, and tend to crops. I don’t even get to GO to market any more because my parents are afraid I’ll run into some guy and go on some crazy voyage to Rocks again! They say they’d let me go if it weren’t for the fact that my other brothers have left the farm and so they have no one left to be their minion but me.
I haven’t heard from Axel or Rudolf in three months. Randy sometimes pops up from behind the corn stalks every once and a while. He likes to play hide and seek tag, but every time I see him, he gets away!
He’s really good at hide and go seek tag.
My sister likes to hang out in her room and write love letters to her fiancé. It drives me insane. Barbro is all she talks about! Barbro, Barbro, Barbro. Luckily she’s getting married tomorrow and is leaving forever. Thank God.
“Birger!!!!” she screamed down the stairs.
“Yeah, what?” I asked.
“Would you like to invite a few of your friends to the wedding? You do have friends, right? I don’t want to be the bride with the best man who sits and does nothing for the entire day.”
“I have friends!” I said angrily.
“Well then invite them!” she replied. I heard a door slam.
I wondered where everyone might be… well, Axel would definitely be living at the mansion with his mother and his crippled ex-BFF/step-father. Rudolf would probably be down at the Overflowing Pint, or maybe grubbing in some mud-hole… I had no clue where Randy might be.
Suddenly a rock flew through the window!
Wrapped around the rock was a piece of paper. On the paper was written: I’ve been living in a hut made of sticks, twigs, rocks, and seaweed. Just in case you wanted to know…
Well, that was helpful! Good timing, too…
I made some invitations and then I decided to head off to the beach hut, first.
Like it said on the piece of paper, Randy was living in a hut. He was sitting on the patio drinking rum.
“Hello, Randy! My, you look very good,” I said.
“OH. It’s you,” Randy said.
“Yup, it’s me! Birger! It’s tough being so far from your BFF.”
“Yeah, well… what do you want?”
“First I want to give you a hug!” I said. I tried to, but he jumped out of the way and I fell down. “Good one!” I said. “But seriously, I’ve got an invitation for you. It’s from my sister. Her wedding. To a guy named Barbro.”
“Barbro died,” Randy said.
“No, not THAT Barbro. A different Barbro. This Barbro wasn’t killed in a drunken kicking riot on the Kermit Noggel,” I said matter-of-factly.
“Oh. Okay,” Randy said, taking the “piece of paper.”
Randy looked at it.
“Why is it written on a leaf?”
“Because I ripped off the Simpsons Movie,” I replied.
Randy paused. “Of course,” he said.
I decided to go give Axel his invitation.
Axel was definitely living large ever since he had decided to blow us off. Except for the part that, although he was living in a mansion, he was living with his mother.
I knocked on the door and a weird looking guy answered.
“Wow, I feel bad for you, having to wear that outfit,” I said. “You look like one of those prissy butlers!”
“I am a butler,” the man said. “May I help you, sir?”
“Oh,” I said. There was an awkward silence. “Yeah, well, I’d like to give a Mr. Axel whatever-his-last-name-is this invitation to my sister’s wedding!” I said grandly.
The butler guy took my leaf and slammed the door in my face.
Jeez, Axel needs to hire some new help.
“Okay, now the Overflowing Pint is the last stop!” I said. “…Or maybe some muddy pit!” And I was off.
The Overflowing Pint was as full of drunken idiots as it was last time I was there.
I was home.
I shook my head vigorously. “You are not here to make friends with the brandy! You are here to get Rudolf to come to your sisters wedding!”
“You’re going to marry your sister to the brandy?” slurred some weirdo. I stepped away nervously. “There’s a cute little place to do that out back! ‘Course, the bartender’s dad is buried back there. There’s a stone marker sayin’ so. But I’d say it’s still a very spiritual place. I… I… wait! You can’t marry ‘er to the brandy! I love the brandy! Just—leave me alone!” he cried. Then he collapsed.
I made a repulsed noise and shuffled away from the drunken loser. It was weird, that guy looked a LOT like my brother…
Oh well. I’d deal with that later.
I sat up at the counter. “Oh, hi Birger!” Rudolf said.
“Yeah, gimme a pint,” I said.
He nodded and turned around.
Wait a second… “RUDOLF!”
He turned around. “Change your mind?” he asked.
“No! Actually, I just wanted to give you something.” I shoved my hand into my pocket and pulled out the leaf.
Rudolf looked at it dissapointedly. “Is that all?”
“It’s not just a leaf!” I laughed at Rudolf’s ignorance. “It’s an invitation to my sister’s wedding!”
Rudolf took it. “…Her invitations were written on leaves?”
“Just… gimme a pint!” I said.
The Next Day…
I had never thought about how boring weddings were. They were seriously boring though. I stood up there behind Barbro while he stared at my sister and she stared back. And the old guy in the funny outfit that was reading out of the big book kept on coughing.
“You have a funny hat, old man,” I said to him.
My sister gasped. “Birger, that’s no way to talk to a PRIEST!” she hissed.
“Oh, that’s what you are?” I said. “Sorry.”
The guy was too busy coughing to listen.
But finally the marrying part was over and it was time for us all to mingle.
I’ve never liked mingling. Well, I suppose I used to, but definitely not any more. DEFINITELY not anymore. You see, I try to be friendly, but whatever I say gets this great big, “What?!” and it’s like, YOU try to say something nice about the ugly, fat, pimply guy in front of you and see if you come up with anything good! Gosh!
So, anyway, my mom and dad both made these big speeches about my sister, saying, “Oh! She was always so good and so pretty. I knew being pretty would come in handy someday… she’s gone and married a rich guy!” Teehee. Big schmeal. I could marry a rich guy if I really wanted to… wait. That came out wrong. I can’t figure out, why, though…
Anyway, I was bored out of my skull, and by the looks of it, so were Rudolf and Axel. Randy looked pretty happy though, hiding up in the tree above me and looking down to see what I was doing.
So to remedy my boredom, I decided to make a speech. So when my dad came down from the podium, I went up.
I saw a look of horror appear on all of my family’s faces.
You SEE?! THIS is why I turned out to be the way I am! I don’t get ANY support from ANY of my family members in ANY form!
“Well, I don’t know if any of you know me, I’ve been off in the New World for a really long time, and my family doesn’t really like to talk about me… but I’m the bride’s brother! And guess what: I’M NOT THE STUPID FARMHAND EVERYONE THINKS I AM! I… I have a confession to make!”
“What is this, Alcoholics Anonymous?” someone whispered.
“I heard that! I am NOT an alcoholic! I… I… I can read.”
And a hush went over the crowd.
“Yeah! You didn’t think I could, did you! Well, I can! AND I can write! As a matter of fact, I’ve been recording all our lives for a really long time now! Check it out!” I cried as I threw out papers from this story into the crowd.
“Ooooh! What now?” I said.
“Wait, are we confessing?” I heard Randy say. Then he fell out of the tree. “Because I have a confession too!”
“Come on up here, Randy! We’re all here for you!” I said.
My sister put her head in her hands.
“My name is Randy, and I’m… a stalker.”
I gasped.
“I’ve been stalking Birger for a while now, and let me say, it’s been a thrill ride. But I’m afraid I must move on now that I’ve confessed. There must have been something in those nuts that those squirrels fed me…”
“No, really?” Axel screamed.
“What?” I cried. “You and I aren’t BFFs? You just STALK me?”
Randy shifted his eyes. “Um… yeah. Actually, that’s pretty much it.”
I fell down and started crying.
“Wait! I have a confession too!” cried a voice.
It was Rudolf.
“What is WRONG with you people! You kept all these secrets from me?” I bawled. Rudolf walked up to the podium.
“My name isn’t Rudolf,” Rudolf… or… whatever his name is said. “My name is… Rosa. And I’m a girl.”
Awkward silence.
“Um… yeah, you know, let’s not have a big discussion about that,” I said. “So… yeah, uh, Rosa… thanks for sharing…”
So Rosa pulled off a wig and there was some long hair underneath it. Creepy…
“Yeah, well, so that we can move on from that… strange experience, why don’t I confess to something?” Axel asked.
“Please. Be my guest,” I said.
“Okay, well, my name is not really Axel.”
“YOU’RE A GIRL?!”
“I- I- you got me. I’m a girl,” Axel said.
Everyone looked at everyone awkwardly. Axel was an incredibly butch girl.
“Um, I thought this was going to make us move on from this experience?” Rudolf said.
Axel stood there solemnly and then broke down laughing, pointing at us. “Ha! I totally got you! That’s not what I was going to confess but I couldn’t resist!”
We all sighed with release. “Alright, well, make with the confessing,” I said.
“Alright. The truth is… I’m from the future. I’m a CIA agent and I used to have a different name but right now, I’m Axel. I have a time machine and my assignment was to choose three individuals to leave their old lives behind them and come with me to different points in history so we can get important information regarding my country’s past. I’ve found those three individuals.”
…
“…What?” I asked.
Axel sighed. “I guess I’ll just have to show you.” He took out a silver looking stick. “This is called a remote!” he said like we were three. Then he pointed it at a tree. Randy gasped and fell out of the tree again. But before he hit the ground, a great big purple circle appeared in mid air and sucked him in.
“Noooo!” I screamed and jumped in after him.
Soon, Randy, Rudolf/Rosa, Axel, and I, were flying through a purple mist and it was REALLY weird. I am talking full on funkay. Axel looked totally used to it, but Rosa, Randy and I were just really freaking.
“What is this?!!” Rosa screamed.
“Um… I think these are the sands of time,” Axel said, pointing at the purple walls. “But I prefer to call this place the swirling vortex of terror!”
“Well, I like it so far,” Randy said happily.
Suddenly, it was all gone.
We were standing a big grey rooms with lots of boxes that had a part that had pictures on them.
“These are called screens. These particular screens are on computers,” Axel said, pointing at everything.
“Right, cuz, that makes perfect sense,” Randy said.
“No it doesn’t,” I corrected him. “And you’re not my BFF anymore.”
“Whatever, loser.”
“Guys, let’s not start a fight,” Rosa warned.
“Wait, show me that little remote thing,” Randy said.
“What, this?” Axel asked, holding up the remote.
“Yeah, that,” Randy said. “What did you do to take us to a certain point in history?”
“Well, you enter the latitude in the longitude and then you enter the date and time… then you press the button and voila!”
“Oh,” Randy said. “I see.”
Awkward silence.
Randy lunged for the remote, knocking Axel over.
“NOOOOO!” Axel shouted, the remote slipping from his hand.
“I got it! I got it!” I shouted triumphantly. I caught it, but it slipped through my hands and Randy was gone.
Five Minutes Later
“Well, I’ve looked on the computer,” Axel said. “Randy has now got access to every moment at every time and every place, and what’s worse, he’s a stalker. Way to go, Birger.”
“I fail to see how this is my fault.”
“It just… is. Now you and I are going to have to search for Randys at every moment at every time at every place!”
Rosa and I looked at each other.
“Um… well, this might be difficult, but okay!” I said.
Rosa’s head was soon in her hands.
Well, I may have screwed things up pretty badly, but at least now I get to travel through time! Who would’ve thought that a simple farmhand could’ve accomplished such things? Sincerely, Birger
An ex-farmhand, still a screw up, and a future world-renowned time traveler! Schweet!
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